tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58725751453218978072024-03-13T13:59:50.780-05:00Foster Parent RescueTips and Support from One Foster Dad to Foster Parents and Child Caregivers of All KindsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger165125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-34985239975573631362016-04-21T10:09:00.000-05:002016-04-21T10:09:12.859-05:00School Combat: Why Students are Getting Hit By Teachers and School Security<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
School Combat: Why Students are Getting Hit By Teachers and School Security<br />
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This morning's news brings yet another report of a student being "attacked" by a teacher in a classroom. This is just another in a string of reports of students being pushed out of their desks, thrown to the ground or otherwise strong-armed in the classroom by teachers or school security guards during the school day.<br />
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Why is this happening?<br />
<br />
I know some of you may say I'm blaming the victim here, but... well, there is plenty of blame to go around. This epidemic of Adult to Student abuse has come after decades of student coddling and befriending by the school system, resulting in an air of disrespect and chaos in the classroom.<br />
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What's left is a bunch of burned out and yes, abused teachers and staff, spending days trying to teach disrespectful and defiant students - amid a group of students who want to learn and are trying to do the right thing. <br />
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Mix in the menagerie of social and cultural issues, poverty, drug use, kids coming from homes that allow disrespect and physical fighting amongst themselves and you have ... well. THIS. An environment where kids are afraid of their fellow students AND the staff.<br />
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In this particular case, it is said the student was talking back to the teachers-aide before the video was filmed. No excuse... but... well..... Should the child have respected his teachers, his elders? Should his parents have taught him that? <br />
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Below is a link to this newest case... but there will be more to come, no doubt, until kids are taught both at home and in Kindergarten how to respect the school system and the importance of their own education and those who are there to teach them. <br />
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<a href="http://www.wisn.com/news/video-shows-adult-tackling-student-in-milwaukee-school/39126094">http://www.wisn.com/news/video-shows-adult-tackling-student-in-milwaukee-school/39126094</a><br />
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Those of us who have troubled kids have spent plenty of time going to the schools to pick up the kids after an incident. Angry outbursts, verbal abuse, Yes, I've had kids who have gone-off on teachers verbally - been stubborn and acted out - already in special ed classes because of their special circumstances, but the teacher's and staff I've worked with have always been prepared, - we've discussed what steps to take and they have spaces to remove the students too. My foster kids have known that if I had to come to school to get them.. they would lose privileges and well... they knew I had greater expectations for them and we would troubleshoot with the care team to deal with their behaviors. Let's just say they'd come home and be splitting wood for days. :)<br />
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Most of these cases that hit the news result in lawsuits against the schools and no consequences for the child's behavior that may have initiated the issue. <br />
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What do you think? Can we do better?<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-12020692093631919522016-04-09T08:37:00.000-05:002016-04-09T08:37:07.854-05:00Spring Cleaning with Foster Kids Could Mean Wake Up Calls<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0I3X7qW91bxnWYrGXz0XQgA6eh9F5ofzxVwE6SYS4lQK_jLdAM7p80D_A5WLl6HXD6lFEXXxhvjjpa79FnfCqPk6zaffBeUSC5AofrZtUIpo1cUu0CRKnu1ZRGoiwABzxzF7x42XJYjgs/s1600/6a00e554f1ae938833019b00bcf35e970d-800wi.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0I3X7qW91bxnWYrGXz0XQgA6eh9F5ofzxVwE6SYS4lQK_jLdAM7p80D_A5WLl6HXD6lFEXXxhvjjpa79FnfCqPk6zaffBeUSC5AofrZtUIpo1cUu0CRKnu1ZRGoiwABzxzF7x42XJYjgs/s320/6a00e554f1ae938833019b00bcf35e970d-800wi.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
By John and Diane<br />
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April 9 2016<br />
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<br />
Spring Cleaning is something the whole family can contribute too. Remember - if a child can operate a cell phone or gaming device, they can operate a broom!<br />
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When you have foster children in the house, or kids who have suffered trauma, you want to supervise and "help" in cleaning their private spaces so that you can key into troubles that they may be hiding - things that you may have missed up to this point. Troubled kids are great at hiding the things that clue you in to their distress, and you may have been lulled into a false sense of security when things seem to be going well in the household. <br />
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<b>Things you might find and what you should do:</b><br />
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* Kids room or bathroom area: bottles, or containers of urine. I've had kids store urine in containers IN THE BATHROOM. Boggles the mind, right? <br />
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<u>What to do:</u> Talk about it. Kids do this for many reasons. Insecurity, fear, it is usually seen in children who have been sexually traumatized, but really, it's a fear response, so, it needs to be dealt with frankly and honestly. Ask the child to dispose of the urine and clean the bathroom or room/area that it was stored in. Ask the child what would make him/her feel safer. Read:<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/06/why-is-my-foster-or-adopted-kid.html" target="_blank">Why is My Foster or Adopted Kid Urinating in The Closet (in a Jar, Towel, Hamper, Soda Can): The Red (or Yellow in this Case) Flag and How to Deal with It.</a></span></h3>
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* Kids Bedroom: Drug paraphernalia : Discuss it with the kids - Case workers - Remove items</div>
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* Kids Bedroom: Sexually Used Items: i.e.: teddy bears with holes cut in them etc. Discard and have an open discussion with your kids about how to masterbate. I KNOW. But - you have to have an open and healthy approach to sex, especially if you have a household with kids who have been sexually traumatized, so, if it's not treated as a big deal by you - you can make it a healthy discussion and be aware of any troubling sexual thoughts or actions between kids. </div>
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This is also a great time to refresh your <a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/03/importance-of-house-ruleschore-lists.html" target="_blank">HOUSE RULES</a> and put new rules into place. For example, if you kids are old enough - teach them now how to do their own laundry or take on new chores. If you don't have a rule about CELL PHONES (Turn in all devices to parents at night for charging), put this into effect NOW. We also recommend that you have passcode to all your child's devices. IF they change the code, they lose the device for a week. </div>
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Overall, Spring cleaning together teaches foster kids many things. 1. that they participate in an event as a family, 2. that you are aware of what happens in ALL SPACES in the house and that 3. you are an ally in the home and will deal with all issues directly and properly. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-77834156141289470582016-01-06T08:39:00.000-06:002016-01-06T08:39:31.173-06:00New Year, New House Rules: Starting the Year Off RIght<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
By John and Diane.<br />
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The House Rules post is our Number 1. read post on this blog, and it's no wonder. Getting house-rules to work in your home means setting boundaries that allow kids to understand expectations and consequences...and to follow them. It doesn't mean your kids will be perfect, but it is the<u> foundation</u> that tells your kids that you are in control and that defiance has penalties. Especially important for foster homes or homes where your kids have behavioral problems, having and posting house rules clearly defines expectations, which is a vital, first step.<br />
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Having said that, we thought this would be a good time to go back over the House Rules and encourage those of you who don't have any to start the new year off right by posting your own in your home. You might want to tweak them a bit to reflect your own circumstances and kids, but overall, you want to be clear about the rules and the penalties and always leave room for additions and changes to be made by YOU. (kids always look for loopholes.)<br />
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Once you have your house rules developed, go over them with the kids so that everyone understands them. Remember, although kids might complain about the rules, rules also give your kids comfort and security. They help ease anxiety and let the kids know that the rules apply to everyone and help keep Everyone safe and happy. <br />
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Now, my example set of rules has been created with my foster kids in mind, and has been tweaked over the years to include areas of concern including things like inappropriate sexual behaviors and the like.<br />
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Don't forget: Go over house rules with the children's visitors as well. <br />
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House Rules should be incorporated with Chore Lists and Disciplinary Action Forms, all available to download off our Facebook page.<br />
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Here is our basic list of house rules:<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">1.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not steal</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">2.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not lie </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">3.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not swear</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">4.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not fight</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">5.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not back talk to adults</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">6.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Do not enter other people’s bedrooms without
permission from John.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">7.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Always knock on the bathroom door before entering,
wash hand after using, flush toilet, and put toilet seat down.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">8.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Always pick up your toys or anything you were using
and put them back.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; margin-left: 41.25pt; text-indent: -21pt;">
<span style="font-size: small;">9.<span style="-moz-font-feature-settings: normal; -moz-font-language-override: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span>Always ask before taking food. Pop/ juices/milk can
only be drank at mealtime. All other times. Water is available for you to drink. </span></div>
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10. Do not eat in your bedroom or any other
room other than the kitchen
and dining room area without permission from John. Always put your dishes away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">12. No cell phone or computers in the bedroom after bedtime.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">13. No sitting next to each other on the couch or
being under a blanket together, you must always be able to be seen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">14. No grabbing or holding any other children when
playing a game or any other time or reason. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">15. No taking revenge on other kids for any
reason. <b>Any of these rules can be modified by John at any time.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>READ MORE: </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/03/importance-of-house-ruleschore-lists.html" target="_blank"><b>Here is a link to our original House Rules and Chore's list post</b></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/10/controlling-chaos-foster-home-house.html" target="_blank">House Rules for Teens</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/04/setting-foundations-chore-lists-rewards.html" target="_blank">Setting the Foundations: Chore Lists, Reward Sheets</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">image: </span>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-57914276495833602802015-11-12T09:52:00.000-06:002015-11-12T09:52:31.994-06:00What Do I Do When My Foster Child Hits Me?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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By John and Diane.</div>
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Foster kids often have behavioral issues and hitting or
striking-out at a foster parent or sibling is not uncommon. The first time it
happens to you can be confusing. </div>
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<u>There are steps that must be taken to protect yourself
and the child in the foster care system</u>. A discussion with your caseworker
and pre-planning for such an incident would be the best way to approach this
likely event, However, I wanted to offer some advice for those of you who might
be caught off guard or otherwise confused or unprepared for this type of
behavior. </div>
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The first thing you want to do is make sure yourself and the
other children in the home are safe from the child doing the hitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Send the other kids out of the area and
make sure that you have an open route of escape should the situation
escalate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that sounds
dramatic, but safety first. </div>
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After the incident, write down everything you can remember
about what happened. Write down what you were saying and what the child was
saying. Was the child mad at you or at another person or child in the
home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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If you are not sure, you can write down your thoughts or
guesses as to what happened, but be sure to note that these are only your
impressions of the events and not facts. You want to think about the cause of
the incident so that you can trace back the trigger for further counseling work
later. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Report the incident as soon as you can to the caseworker or counselor.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have 24 to 72 hours to report
something to a caseworker with the organization I work with, but yours may be
different. Check with your caseworker to be sure you know your requirements. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You may be thinking: “<i>Why do I have to report small hitting
incidents if they aren’t really big deals. No one was hurt and I don’t want to
make a big deal out of it.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The answer to that is this: The hitting behavior is a red
flag and undoubtedly only the beginning of what could be escalating aggression.
Not doing anything about it implies that there are no consequences and the
child will think it is okay to continue the behavior. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It also must be addressed for the
child’s own benefit to give him or her help for their behavior.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other reason it is important to document these smaller
incidents is so that you have evidence of previous behavior should it happen
again. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t
report an escalated incident later on and say, “Well, he has hit me in the past
and this time he really hurt me so, I just grabbed him so he would stop hitting
me and the other children in the home ” without being able to prove it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now it’s your word against the child’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You or the child will be calling the police for an escalated
incident and you will have to answer questions like, “have you ever hit any
other children?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you try to
tell them that the child has a history of hitting, you had better be able to
back that up with documentation and the child should be working on that issue
in counseling. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>Now, how to handle
the child that has hit, you when it happens... </u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You may hold them in a safe manner to protect yourself or to protect the child from hurting himself. Get training on how this is done or talk to the caseworker
and ask them how they would want you to do this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Try to calm the child down. You will not be able to get a
caseworker or the police to help you immediately so you have to take control of
the situation yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get the
child to a safe part of the house. Sometimes I had to just put them outside and
wait until the police showed up to talk to them or even take them away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes you can’t help the kids and
that was the hardest thing for me to learn.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you can get them to talk about what happened to make them
want to hit, don’t forget what they are saying. Write it down. This may be the
only time they will open up and share. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they can identify what started the incident they are
helping you identify their “triggers.” Learning and remembering the child’s
triggers are an important part of later therapy and future growth. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hitting behavior and anger is a symptom of a bigger problem
or of changes happening in the child, good or bad. So, even if you can stop the
hitting at home, trust me, it will happen somewhere else, like at school, if
the root cause of their anger isn’t addressed.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get help for
hitting or fighting from caseworkers and counselors and keep a record of all
the times that it happens. This will help. You will see a pattern develop and will be on the
path to discovering the underlying issues. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most importantly, protect your family and educate yourself.
Learn the history of the kids coming into your home before you take them on,
determine whether you and your family are mentally, physically and emotionally
able to handle kids with behavioral and anger issues and then take all available
training on dealing with tough kids. Although challenging and heartbreaking at
times, these are the kids that need you the most. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
image: </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-44465076667577436592015-10-23T16:43:00.000-05:002015-10-23T16:43:54.044-05:00Is Your Foster Child SAD?: Identifying Seasonal Affect Disorder <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZGqIcNobxkCRJSTy0DYOZHhLtMMOTzWHreirN_-DjlEc2ErRFsNBfaXaSnaIGFxkBa2MhiWZ2_l8Vg3aVa78JztwA_PhZ19RZpHZ8auXNWwaoJbDyT-bE0_f0Fa7yNfXFUjVghFsO0_iw/s1600/2214419283_13fa0877cd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZGqIcNobxkCRJSTy0DYOZHhLtMMOTzWHreirN_-DjlEc2ErRFsNBfaXaSnaIGFxkBa2MhiWZ2_l8Vg3aVa78JztwA_PhZ19RZpHZ8auXNWwaoJbDyT-bE0_f0Fa7yNfXFUjVghFsO0_iw/s320/2214419283_13fa0877cd.jpg" width="246" /></a></div>
By John and Diane.<br />
<br />
It might be hard to tell with your foster kids, but at this time of the year if they are especially anxious, grumpy, sleepy and have difficulty concentrating they might be suffering from symptoms of SAD: seasonal affect disorder. <br />
<br />
When days get shorter and the amount of sunlight exposure your kids have because of school and time spent indoors because of the weather changes, a study by the National Institute of Mental Health showed that three percent of kids may suffer from seasonal depression or SAD.<br />
<br />
Now, with foster kids, who may already have many of the issues that are part of the seasonal affect disorder symptomology, more notably a change in eating (a craving for sweets) or sleeping patterns may be the key to determining if your child is also affected by the seasonal light changes.<br />
<br />
Treatment for SAD is usually non-drug related and focuses on light-therapy, including dawn-simulating light alarms that gradually increase the light in the child's room to simulate a normal summer sunrise. Increasing outdoor winter activities to spend time in the sun and a healthy diet also help seasonal depression.<br />
<br />
For more information check out the below article:<br />
<h1>
Seasonal Affective Disorder in Children</h1>
By <a href="http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/18/profile/">Deborah Gray</a>
<br />
<br />
<div class="text">
Did you know that children can suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective
Disorder)? I'm embarrassed to admit that I just found this out recently,
after years of writing about mental health. Seasonal Affective Disorder
is a condition that can cause depression, fatigue and overeating, among
other things, and it is brought on by the change of seasons. According
to <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Winter-Blues-Revised-Everything-Affective/dp/1593852142/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1200242631&sr=8-1" title="Winter Blues">Winter Blues</a>
by Normal Rosenthal, M.D., a survey done by the National Institute of
Mental Health (NIMH) showed that about three percent of children suffer
from SAD, with a greater incidence occurring in the last three years of
high school.<br />
<br />
I'm surprised that it hadn't occurred to me before. After all, if
children could have clinical depression and other depressive disorders,
why not SAD? Apparently even animals can suffer from SAD. Of course,
it's worth nothing that all creatures on earth have a tendency toward
SAD symptoms in the winter, but when normal functioning starts being
impaired, it's time to take a closer look.<br />
<div class="bigbox">
<img src="http://sensor2.suitesmart.com/sensor4.js?GID=28242;CRE=51233890;PLA=75593461;ADI=251523873;" style="height: 0px; position: absolute; width: 0px; z-index: -100;" /><br />
<div style="height: 0px; position: absolute; width: 0px;">
</div>
</div>
So, is there a chance that a child you know has Seasonal Affective
Disorder? Well, if he starts off the school year doing well, but his
grades start dropping after the holidays, it's possible. If she bounces
out of bed after eight to ten hours of sleep in the summer but can
barely drag herself out of bed after more than twelve hours of sleep in
the winter, it's worth looking into. <br />
SAD in children can go undiagnosed fairly easily, especially in
adolescents, who are expected to be moody and have trouble getting out
of bed. A few seasons may need to pass before anyone notices a seasonal
pattern in behavior. <br />
<br />
<b><u>Symptoms of SAD in Children</u></b>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<li>A change in appetite, especially a craving for sweet or starchy foods </li>
<li>Anxiety </li>
<li>A drop in energy level </li>
<li>Irritability </li>
<li>Fatigue </li>
<li>A tendency to oversleep </li>
<li>Difficulty concentrating </li>
<li>Avoidance of social situations </li>
As with diagnosing SAD in an adult, the single biggest clue is whether the symptoms are seasonal. <br />
It's important that your child be evaluated by a qualified
professional. If you think that your child has SAD, chances are good
that your instincts are correct. But she still needs to see a doctor and
have other possibilities eliminated first, and any treatment should be
under a doctor's care, even if the treatment is purely non-drug.<br />
<br />
<b><u>Treatment...</u></b><br />
<br />
<b><u>Read more at : <a href="http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/understanding-seasonal-affective-disorder-201179-5.html" target="_blank">Health Central.com</a></u></b>
</div>
<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-1436218858807127382015-10-13T10:19:00.000-05:002015-10-13T10:23:27.085-05:00Hoarding Food Behavior Amongst Foster Kids: An Opportunity for Understanding and Building Trust<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
by John and Diane </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hoarding behaviors of all kinds are not uncommon amongst
foster or adopted kids. Hoarding food is especially common and often times
overly worrisome for new foster or adoptive parents. Food issues can be scary. Let’s face it, watching your new kids gobble up the food on
the dinner table can be a bit distressing and although your first approach
might be to simply try to teach them some table manners and basic etiquette,
the behavior can be a symptom of something bigger.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoEMIbeEUYPo7wdymN3sSWV1o9fQJjVhuypTK5L8XuzPU6asdYoikc3dyf532-1oq3SHQJIW1vnCS_pYBCR6fsFPKg7tKDxQ7DCjgSyIA4qKHwI3bS0dQqF4oQDJpEJDPTyG8d8i_v9hq/s1600/354125241_8ec22e5cd5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSoEMIbeEUYPo7wdymN3sSWV1o9fQJjVhuypTK5L8XuzPU6asdYoikc3dyf532-1oq3SHQJIW1vnCS_pYBCR6fsFPKg7tKDxQ7DCjgSyIA4qKHwI3bS0dQqF4oQDJpEJDPTyG8d8i_v9hq/s320/354125241_8ec22e5cd5.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Typical types of food behaviors foster parents will see are:
</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Eating too much- weight gain</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Not eating enough – weight loss</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Monitoring food supplies</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Hoarding and hiding food</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Most of these issues have some kind of
relationship with control and comfort. These kids have just been removed from a
place where they felt some measure of security, even if the home was neglectful
or abusive, so controlling food by eating too much or too little or by hoarding
it, is a way to get control over their environment. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Children that seem to monitor the amount of food in the
house, or hoard food so that a sibling or others in the home have food, are
dealing with a continuance of the caregiver role they most likely had
previously. Often children in
neglectful homes took on parental responsibilities and continue to exhibit survivalist
“hoarding” even when they first arrive in a safer environment.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Some children will gain weight or lose weight in response to
a history of sexual abuse. They will attempt to alter their appearance to make
themselves less attractive, even after the immediate threat or actor has been
removed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Other times children will simply turn to food as a form of
comfort to help them deal with their new surroundings. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>No matter what the circumstances, your approach towards a
new foster child’s food hoarding behavior is to… do nothing.</u> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Make sure the child is safe, allow the
child to have access to food and monitor the situation. Your focus at the beginning of your
relationship with the child is not to monitor their weight gain (although
extreme weight gain or weight loss should be brought to the attention of doctors
or caseworkers) but to gain and build their trust. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Work towards assuring the child that there is plenty of food
for everyone and that they have ample access to it. Do not allow caseworkers to make you the “bad cop” and to
force you to deal with a pre-existing obesity problem. Your main concern will
be to build trust and provide a sense of safety and security. Once you have a well-established relationship with the child you can gently work on better eating and a more active lifestyle along with the child's doctor and caseworker. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Fighting over food hoarding with your new foster or adoptive
child will only create distrust and prevent you from building an important bond
with the child. Fighting the
hoarding behavior without having a trusting and solid relationship with the
child will only make the behavior worse.</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Allow the behavior to happen and view
it as an opportunity to learn about the child’s history and background… why
they do what they do. Ultimately,
this knowledge will help you and the caseworkers work with the child and the
hoarding behavior will eventually stop on its own. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Food hoarding is only a symptom of bigger issues, so do your best
to allow it to happen safely (provide a fridge in the room if necessary) while
you work on the more important goals of building trust, and making the child
feel safe and secure.<br />
<br />
See also:<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/09/foster-parent-q-help-my-rad-child-needs.html" target="_blank">Help: My RAD Child Needs A Door Alarm.... </a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Image: </div>
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</dd></dl>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-47347713518466046352015-08-18T10:33:00.000-05:002015-08-18T10:36:05.070-05:00Back to School Planning for Kids with ADD, Trust Disorders and More<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
By John and Diane. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhosbKaVHYb4-N3JRj2EG8L3sEX4iNo4Jbf_3dU-QKHQYgcAuM4PhaWSzvLqA2aHIA8WnXvIx1zOxoB982Mp1A8Dt8z_ltXYLfOeMIVFKjsNN4IaZ5kxxNMr1cuIBwoZWJGaL-OPCARMx9X/s1600/7327146800_928d2ace2d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhosbKaVHYb4-N3JRj2EG8L3sEX4iNo4Jbf_3dU-QKHQYgcAuM4PhaWSzvLqA2aHIA8WnXvIx1zOxoB982Mp1A8Dt8z_ltXYLfOeMIVFKjsNN4IaZ5kxxNMr1cuIBwoZWJGaL-OPCARMx9X/s320/7327146800_928d2ace2d.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="color: purple;">
NOTE: This posting is about ADD and Trust disorder kids who CAN attend school. For all those parents who are dealing with kids who aren't attending or cannot attend school yet due to behavioral issues, we have information for you as well, and are working on our post about home-teaching and transitioning to school. We know you are out there... and we hope you are hanging in there.... </div>
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All parents are anxious to get their kids back to school,
but those of us with high energy ADD, ADHD or kids with other impulsivity
issues and trust issues, well, we are even MORE excited about the prospect of a
break from the endless attention-needy kids.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have been successful and diligent about sticking to a
schedule as I suggested in my blog post <br />
<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/05/adhd-and-rad-kid-summer-planner-or-why.html" target="_blank">The ADHD and RAD Kid Summer Planner: or "Why I Didn't Lose My Mind While My Kid's were on Summer Vacation" </a> then the transition won’t be too difficult. Having a routine that you
have stuck to with wake up and bedtimes means less of an adjustment to your
routine-loving kids, so that will be to your benefit. If you haven’t been able to keep the school routine going,
you still have a chance to create one that will make the back –to-school
transition less dramatic for your kids.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, let’s just focus on the most important thing that kids
with ADD, ADHD and trust disorders need and want. STRUCTURE AND ROUTINE. If you have fallen out of the usual wake and bedtimes
from the school schedule, begin adjusting those times now so that the child is
waking and going to bed at normal school times at least three weeks before
school begins. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you haven’t done any homeschooling during the summer and
have let your ADD and RAD kids do their own thing, start pulling in the
reins. I had recommended keeping
to a regime throughout the summer of learning and exercise programs to mimic
lesson times at school to keep kids use to the school day schedule and to
minimize anxiety and tantrums. If you have done this you are probably having a
realatively decent summer. If not,
you are Definitely ready for school to start. <span style="font-family: Wingdings;">:)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Re-introduce a
daily schedule of play, chore and learning times. ADD and RAD or kids with
trust and impulsivity issues do better when they have structure and routine, so
their anxiety levels will decrease and outbursts will be limited. A schedule
similar to their school day with outdoor play and lunchtimes about the same as
at school will help them make a smooth transition back to class. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Finally, <u>get yourself organized</u>. Start planning now
for doctors appointments, teacher meetings and purchasing school supplies so
that you don’t feel stressed as the big day approaches. Your kids can pick up
on your stress levels, which will set them off, so do yourself a favor and plan
ahead for all those things you need to take care of so that you aren’t feeling
pressure. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is a week to week planner for you that might help:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
July 9 –
15 Start adjusting the child’s schedule to school
schedule times.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
July 16 – 22 Make doctors appt. to check on medications levels, get
immunizations, and
physicals for sports if necessary.
Update immunization records. Update your emergency contact numbers. Make sure any medication changes are given to school nurse. Start putting together a file to give to the school with the list of medications,caseworkers names and numbers, your phone numbers and doctors and any allergies. V<b>ery important for New Foster Kids! </b><u>(sometimes the schools have this information from the year before if YOU need it for new foster kids!)</u><b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
July 23 – 29
Get back to school clothing and shoes.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
July 30 – Aug 5 Get list of school supplies needed and shop
the sales. Child should be on School Day time schedule now. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Aug 6 – Aug 12 Kids clean and organize their rooms and
homework spaces. Get kids hair cut and prep for school pics.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Aug 19 – Aug 26
Get teacher’s names and email addresses, Get digital copies of IEPs that
you may have to send to various caseworkers, teachers or doctors throughout the
year. Start a file folder
with the new school year marked on it for all of the upcoming paperwork you may
get and want to keep track of. Put a list of child's meds in the folder for easy referral. <br />
Get new school year calenders printed up to mark days-off, events and appointments. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Everyone celebrates a
new and happy start back at school</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Good luck everyone!</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you have more tips on how to make the transition easier
on your foster, adopted or bio kids with issues like RAD, ADD or Aspergers,
please comment here or on our Facebook page! </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For more information, check out these resources: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/goog_318903324"><br /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; mso-outline-level: 3; mso-para-margin-bottom: .01gd; mso-para-margin-left: 0in; mso-para-margin-right: 0in; mso-para-margin-top: .01gd;">
<a href="http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2012/07/back-to-school-preparations-for.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: 13.5pt;">"Back To School" Preparations for Aspergers Kids </span></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<h2 style="font-weight: normal; margin: 0.1pt 0in;">
<a href="http://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/features/getting-adhd-kids-back-to-school" target="_blank">Getting ADHD Kids Back to School</a></h2>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<br />
image: <br />
<dl id="yui_3_5_0_3_1341859938042_288">
<dt>License</dt>
<dd id="yui_3_5_0_3_1341859938042_287"><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /></a></span>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/" title="Attribution License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/">woodleywonderworks</a>
</dd></dl>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-64641351102617649662015-08-01T11:56:00.000-05:002015-08-01T12:00:11.626-05:00Every Kid Has Their Currency: A Story of Persistence and the Bathroom Lights<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivjT_Ifed50Ei54LquxSkE5uyy3NXQ6dx-RSc9QIoIOSlf3lm57LFAPnOgLXXT9E6sp8WgxKN6aV91I0zBIKL0pb9QuVVf7NqPm8FjgSJOGlNj1HqnQoDAjkHaEUALRkQVoudG1U_BlqTK/s1600/file0001900958413.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivjT_Ifed50Ei54LquxSkE5uyy3NXQ6dx-RSc9QIoIOSlf3lm57LFAPnOgLXXT9E6sp8WgxKN6aV91I0zBIKL0pb9QuVVf7NqPm8FjgSJOGlNj1HqnQoDAjkHaEUALRkQVoudG1U_BlqTK/s400/file0001900958413.jpg" width="400" /></a>by John and Diane<br />
<br />
I want to share a little story with you about the bathroom lights.<br />
<br />
My (adopted) son "Steve" is now in his mid teens, but still suffers the effects of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and has devastating memory issues.<br />
<br />
His long term memory is really bad, and his short term memory is terrible. <br />
<br />
We have spent years trying to find ways to deal with this and find tools to help him remember things like where his back pack is, where his phone is and, I swear, where his head is at sometimes....<br />
<br />
So, the latest battle has been trying to get him to remember to shut off his bathroom lights. I know, it doesn't seem like ground-breaking stuff.. but these are the day-to-day issue we work on.<br />
<br />
I tried for weeks to get him to remember. <br />
I'd find his bathroom light on, and I would call him back to turn it off. Inconvenient, but it didn't stop the behavior.<br />
<br />
He'd be outside, a mile down the road, I would find the light on, I'd call him in to come and shut it off.... still, I would find it left on a few hours later.<br />
<br />
I then decided that each time I would find it left on, I would unscrew one of the four light bulbs... until he was in the dark. This. Did. Not. Work. (groan.)<br />
<br />
Mind you... and THIS IS IMPORTANT: When I would call him back to turn off the light, I wouldn't just ask him to do it, he'd get a whole speech on the importance of Energy, the cost of Energy, the necessity of responsibility and <b>most importantly</b>, I would tell him, "I'm not angry with you, I just need you to remember to do this, and Im trying to help you." He understood, and amicably turned off the lights when asked.. (I was tired of asking...)<br />
<br />
<b>As you all know, the trick with Foster or any kids, is finding the one thing that works with that kid... their "Currency." </b> Once you know how a kid's mind, or Memory works, you can use that to teach them anything. That's why I had to go thru all the different techniques to try to get him to remember... until I found one that worked... and I did.<br />
<br />
Finally one day I called Steve down to turn off the lights. This time I said, "Okay Steve, Every time you leave the light on, and I have to call you back to turn it off, you have to drop and give me 10 push ups."<br />
"WHAT? UGH!"<br />
and he did....<br />
<br />
Again, I told him, this isn't a punishment, its just a way to try to get you to remember... I said it in a loving voice, in a friendly and supportive manner and I patted him on the back and said "good job." when he was done.<br />
<br />
I haven't had to call him back to turn off the light since then.<br />
<br />
I wanted to share this story with you all to remind you about Currency. Every kid has that "thing" that "trigger" that is going to work with them. Persistence is what it takes to find that magic word, action or object that can help change behavior and create change. <br />
<br />
This was just a behavioral modification, but it has clued me in to something about Steve that might help me further with his memory issues. Steve remembers things via a physical connection! Now this can be applied to anything he needs to remember. I'm not saying he'll need to do Push-ups for everything he needs to remember, but perhaps some kind of physical action to remember important tasks... this is how his memory makes its connections in the brain. Now I can apply this to other things and see if it helps in other areas of his life. <br />
<br />
What do you think about Currency? Share your stories, we'd love to hear them.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-17197420079305599272015-07-30T12:46:00.000-05:002015-07-30T12:50:01.863-05:00Aspergers Syndrome and Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) : Let's Talk<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCfSb7G3CwovwZk5IJHg12mdSlm8ohMjXHgBzF8tyZtElBVjpXzFLJ0Z_aCUoblfh38svo2xPS4H1xMjuJwu5F3NB9Lfn3p0l6rdwEpLxmCNm3mU3lLTH8DD5rlkgIYVO8gJKUYxL1_9h5/s1600/7287174776_b9a42a733b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCfSb7G3CwovwZk5IJHg12mdSlm8ohMjXHgBzF8tyZtElBVjpXzFLJ0Z_aCUoblfh38svo2xPS4H1xMjuJwu5F3NB9Lfn3p0l6rdwEpLxmCNm3mU3lLTH8DD5rlkgIYVO8gJKUYxL1_9h5/s320/7287174776_b9a42a733b.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
by John and Diane<br />
UPDATE July 2015<br />
<b><span style="color: red;">Hi Friends, Please read the update following this blog post from 2013. </span></b><br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lately I have been hearing from a lot of parents of children
with Aspergers syndrome and hearing that the behaviors are often compared with
that of RAD kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Before I get
into this discussion, let’s clarify our terms.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Aspergers Syndrome, (in brief,) according
to WebMD is defined as: a type of <a href="http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67133.htm">pervasive
developmental disorder (PDD)</a>. PDDs are a group of conditions that involve
delays in the development of many basic skills, most notably the ability to
socialize with others, to communicate, and to use imagination.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Although Aspergers syndrome is
similar in some ways to <a href="http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67141.htm">autism</a> -- another,
more severe type of PDD -- there are some important differences. Children with Aspergers
syndrome typically function better than do those with autism. In addition,
children with Aspergers syndrome generally have normal intelligence and
near-normal language development, although they may develop problems communicating,
as they get older.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
RAD is Reactive Attachment
Disorder, defined, again, by WebMD as:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>a condition found in children who have received grossly negligent care
and do not form a healthy emotional attachment with their primary caregivers --
usually their mothers -- before age 5.Common Symptoms of Inhibited RAD Include:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Detached,
Unresponsive or resistant to comforting, Excessively inhibited (holding back
emotions), Withdrawn or a mixture of approach and avoidance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
Common Symptoms With Disinhibited
RAD Include: Indiscriminate sociability and Inappropriately familiar or
selective in the choice of attachment figures</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, I have been listening to people with Aspergers children
and they have a lot of the same problems as RAD kids and act the same in many
ways:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
1. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they don’t get there way they may get angry with you</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
2. They may get physical with you
or others in the house </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
3. Threaten to hurt themselves or
others </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
4.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Verbally abusive: call names and say they hate you and everyone
else </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
4. Try to use their problems to get
their way. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
5. Blame you when they are mad,
destructive or injure themselves during tantrums</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Well, this should sound familiar to all of us who are working
with kids with trust problems and ADHD etc. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there is a difference with Aspergers children. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may act this way, but they are focused
on a long-term plan. They don’t need to control their surroundings completely,
they just want to control it enough to get what they need to finish what they
have started. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
From what I am learning about Aspergers kids, they are very
intelligent and can be almost obsessive when it comes to learning things that
gain their interest. However, they don’t focus on a broad range of topics, such
as “normal” students must, and so they can’t always function in a normal
educational system. </div>
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This is also how they learn behaviors and how to function in
their families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have
allowed them to “win” arguments and to get their way by having tantrums or by
behaving badly, the parent has taught them that behaving badly works to get
them what they want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once they
learn that, they will stick to that method and it will be very difficult to
break them of that behavior.</div>
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RAD kids, however, will be more flexible in their approach.
If a behavior is accepted at one time, and become unacceptable later, they are
more able to change the behavior once told of the new rules. They are basically
very adept at change, while children with Aspergers seem to find something that
works and sticks with it, even if it doesn’t work anymore. Do you all find that
that is true in your cases? </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is harder
for them to unlearn something they have learned early on, so even if it seems
so hard to teach them that you are the one in control and “yes is yes” and “no
is no,” it would be a lot harder for you when they are teens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Instill good habits and be stern with bad
behaviors early with Aspergers kids it seems is the lesson here. </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I know I
did not talk a lot about the RAD child here, but I have in so many of my blog
posts, and we know their behaviors pretty well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I will say this though: I find that the kids I work with
(RAD) want to control me and they only want to get what they can get for the
day. They don’t think about tomorrow. They live for the day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the other thing I find different about the two kids.
RAD kids live for short-term things, and the Aspergers kids think long term.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now I don’t have
a lot of time working with Aspergers kids so I would love to hear from you and
share where you differ with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
sure don’t mind being wrong and if I can learn from my mistakes, it’s a good
day. </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you and God
bless you <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5872575145321897807" name="_GoBack"></a>all.</div>
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(Note: we use the terms “Aspergers and RAD kids” not as a
disrespectful label to the children, just as a more conversational term to use
here amongst us parents.)<br />
<br />
<span style="color: red;">UPDATE JULY 2015</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><b>We recently were so glad to receive an email from one of our readers here who shared with us this rare perspective on this topic. Please read her story and learn more about the differences between RAD and Autism from her own unique perspective. We thank her again for sharing her story.</b></span><br />
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<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1438268551922_9778" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">
<i><span style="color: #666666;">I will start out with I am not a foster parent and have no children, but I did read your article pertaining to the confusion sometimes between RAD and autistic spectrum disorder in children. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #666666;">I am by no means an expert, but I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2007 (I am 58 years old) and I have had several years of therapy, starting in my 40s for PTSD, etc. I was told by more than one therapist that they suspected my Mother had RAD (I am now estranged). </span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="color: #666666;">Her real mother died shortly after her birth, her father was overwhelmed, passed her around to a couple different women to nurse, when she needed to be in an incubator due to a juvenile kidney, he stated he could not afford it, and then agreed to let her aunt and Uncle adopt her. Needless to say, my mother did not bond. I can feel genuine empathy for her, but the cruelty and abuse I suffered at her hands is another story.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">Without getting into details, I’d like to offer some insight into what I feel the difference may be.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">a. My mother was known to throw cats up on a roof and let them fall off... she claimed she heard they had nine lives! In contrast I always loved animals. I was given a puppy when I was young and one day when I came home from school, the puppy was gone. My mom claimed he burned himself on the hot water tank and she gave him back. I really think that was probably a lie. Aspies tend to love animals, almost using them as a replacement for people, whereas RAD children tend to be cruel to animals.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">b. My mother was a pathological liar. I’m sure this probably started as a child. If you caught her in a lie, it was deny, deny. On the other hand, as an Aspie child (and adult) I am very honest, sometimes to a fault. I would always tell my parents the truth, even if I would have liked to get away with something.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">c. I have lots of Integrity. My mother does not. She will say and do anything to get her way. I tend to always keep my word, even if it’s difficult for me.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">d. I am not manipulative, whereas RAD children tend to manipulate the adults in their life.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">e) My mother often told me her Mom (aunt) did not like her sitting near her father (Uncle) in the car. Her Mom seemed jealous of her father paying her attention. With what I know now of RAD, RAD children can act like adults sexually and flirt with the parent. I still have trouble flirting as an adult, let alone as a child with a parent. My mother seemed to be crazy about her Dad (he died when she was 10) and hated her Mom. (another characteristic of RAD... hatred for the mother). I, on the other hand, loved my Mom dearly as a child (Of course I had no idea I had bonded with a crazy person)</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">f) Aspies are very intelligent and good in school overall.... little professors. My mother was not a poor student, but seemed to have some learning difficulties. I think RAD children have more problems learning in school.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">g) My mother took delight in other’s suffering... especially mine. She would deliberately say something if she knew it bothered you. I, on the other hand, and even as a child, was sympathetic if I understood someone’s problem. Even to the point of internalizing their suffering. I once wouldn’t eat my dinner because the nun had told us about starving children in Africa.</span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="color: #666666;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1438268551922_9826" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">
<i><span style="color: #666666;">I think there are many difference... the biggest being, we do not lie, manipulate, deal in hidden agendas and take delight in getting our way or causing pain.</span></i></div>
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<div id="yui_3_16_0_1_1438268551922_9824" style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">
<i><span style="color: #666666;">Something to think about. If you do know of any resources about having a parent with RAD, please let me know. I can only find information on parents raising children with RAD.</span></i></div>
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<i><span style="color: #666666;">Thank you,</span></i><br />
<br />
We thought our Friend gave us a very clear definition there, and felt it worth sharing. If anyone is aware of a support group for Children of Parents with RAD, please post it in the comments section here.<br />
thanks<br />
<br /></div>
</div>
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image: </div>
<dl id="yui_3_7_3_3_1361566977678_449">
<dt>License</dt>
<dd id="yui_3_7_3_3_1361566977678_448"><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /><img alt="Noncommercial" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noncomm_small.gif" title="Noncommercial" /><img alt="Share Alike" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_sharealike_small.gif" title="Share Alike" /></a></span>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/demandaj/">demandaj</a></dd><dd id="yui_3_7_3_3_1361566977678_448"></dd><dd id="yui_3_7_3_3_1361566977678_448">edited by Diane
</dd></dl>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-6057215609375676882015-07-21T10:09:00.000-05:002015-07-21T11:54:30.603-05:00The Facts On Foster Care: Real Info based on Data - Not Myth<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hi Friends,</div>
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We are lucky enough to have resources tap us on the shoulder, and the Good people at SocialWork@Simmons created this really interesting Info graphic that paints a picture of who and what makes up the current state of the Foster Care System.</div>
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I think you'll all find it interesting - and perhaps it may help you all explain it to your families and friends, - those of you who struggle with the issues we brought up in our post about <a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2013/07/getting-rich-on-foster-care-great-myth.html" target="_blank">Getting Rich in Foster Care</a>- the Great Myth...</div>
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Some of these figures may not fit your particular circumstances, and they don't offer data - vital data such as children's diagnosis- which could relate directly to their future crime/school/and social data- but here seems to reflect badly on the Foster Care system itself.</div>
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Remember, these figures are to be reflected upon and discussed. The poor outcome for many of these kids cannot be blamed on struggling foster parents (although more training for how to deal with RAD, ADD, and other complex issues is something we think is necessary - not to mention support groups!) but may reflect more upon our inability to address these truly difficult PTSD issues and Attachment disorders in an effective way yet. </div>
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We think this is a terrific graphic to show where we are, and where, as a "system" and as individuals, we need to improve, or strive to learn more, to make our Foster Kid- Graduates into Super Heroes.</div>
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What do you think? Comment here, on our FB page or join our Google Plus group to discuss.</div>
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<a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D5872575145321897807%23editor%2Fsrc%3Ddashboard&media=https%3A%2F%2Fimages-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com%2Fgadgets%2Fproxy%3Furl%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fsocialwork.simmons.edu%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252FFoster-Care-Infographic_Small.jpg%26container%3Dblogger%26gadget%3Da%26rewriteMime%3Dimage%252F*&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=5wQysgaWm4_3&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 26px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 450px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a><a href="http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fblogger.g%3FblogID%3D5872575145321897807%23editor%2Fsrc%3Ddashboard&media=https%3A%2F%2Fimages-blogger-opensocial.googleusercontent.com%2Fgadgets%2Fproxy%3Furl%3Dhttp%253A%252F%252Fsocialwork.simmons.edu%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252FFoster-Care-Infographic_Small.jpg%26container%3Dblogger%26gadget%3Da%26rewriteMime%3Dimage%252F*&xm=h&xv=sa1.37.01&xuid=5wQysgaWm4_3&description=" style="background-color: transparent; background-image: url(data:image/png; border: none; cursor: pointer; display: none; height: 20px; left: 26px; opacity: 0.85; position: absolute; top: 450px; width: 40px; z-index: 8675309;"></a></div>
<a href="http://socialwork.simmons.edu/wp-content/uploads/Foster-Care-For-Publish_Large.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://socialwork.simmons.edu/wp-content/uploads/Foster-Care-IG-for-Publish-Small.jpg" class="aligncenter"/></a></p>
<p style="text-align: center">Demystifying Foster Care, <a href="http://socialwork.simmons.edu" target="_blank">SocialWork@Simmons</a></p>
<p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-19324940056215107822015-05-22T14:40:00.000-05:002015-05-22T14:40:09.945-05:00Our Annual ADHD and RAD Kid Summer Planner: <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Welcome to Our Annual ADHD and RAD Kid Summer Planner, otherwise known as: "Why I Didn't Lose My Mind While My Kid's were on Summer Vacation" by Foster Parent Rescue</div>
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By John and Diane</div>
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(First appeared on our blog 5/8/12) </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7d1vGGp1L_aejt-ydJCZFv246ySykKzYuJeul_o45vk4QC-yvnCbgIIfrBZeZ-rq3F90T4yxgL6BBSVvn37Q3l3lnh7JrHxSsjjNUHmCH_hVarHXKMRFeK1jBMCcO7CECxDDug-njbTMS/s1600/11576494_5ac4b7baab.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7d1vGGp1L_aejt-ydJCZFv246ySykKzYuJeul_o45vk4QC-yvnCbgIIfrBZeZ-rq3F90T4yxgL6BBSVvn37Q3l3lnh7JrHxSsjjNUHmCH_hVarHXKMRFeK1jBMCcO7CECxDDug-njbTMS/s320/11576494_5ac4b7baab.jpg" width="279" /></a></div>
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We are only a few short weeks away from summer break from school around here, and if you are a foster parent, or parent of a tough kid, like a child with ADD, ADHD or an attachment disorder, to name a few, the thought of days and days with your child looking to you and saying "I'm bored, "or worse, leaves you quivering in a cold sweat at night, I can help.<br />
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I have faced this challenge year after year, and although I always do "the happy dance" when school starts back up again, me and my boys always get through it.</div>
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The key to a successful summer with minimal tantrums, episodes, blow outs, running –aways, fits, fights and other miscellaneous catastrophes is sticking to a schedule. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Schedules</span></b> are just another word for <b><span style="font-size: large;">"security"</span></b> for kids with trust issues, like a lot of foster-kids, and help kids with attention-deficit issues know what to expect and when to expect it.<br />
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Schedules help control the constant questions and demands, and provide a structure that mimics the school system- which is something the kids are used to and comfortable with.<br />
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Kid's with behavior issues usually "spin-out" when school lets out because their structure is gone and the lack of structure allows anxiety to build.</div>
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<u>So, having said that, begin the process of getting ready for summer break before school lets out. Get an idea of what their lunch time is at school, what time they have gym class, and what time they have quiet study. </u><br />
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<i><b>Now, look at your own resources and schedule</b></i>. If you have a parent full-time at home, decide if you want to continue to get the kids up and dressed at the normal school time, or allow for an additional hour of sleep (as a consideration for Mom or Dad only.) <br />
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You will want to write additional chores in for each child for each day, since they won't be doing homework, and if you have children who need help with school, you may do homeschooling hours as well. <br />
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You will want to do some physical activities as well, whether it is riding bikes, or participating in programs at the local YMCA. </div>
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Next, sit down with a large dry erase calendar and write in each day's time schedule.<br />
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It should include times to get up, dressed and eat meals, bedtime, and naps for younger children. <br />
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Write in each child's daily chores like washing dishes after meals, daily cleaning of their rooms, cleaning up after pets, folding their own laundry, whatever you need.<br />
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Add in study hours for homeschooled children or kids' who are behind in school and need the added tutoring. <br />
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Each day should have a leisure activity planned, like fishing, riding bikes, swimming, basketball or playing a team sport. <br />
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Each child may have a special chore that they enjoy like gardening for one child, cooking for another. </div>
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I usually allow kids to stay in their rooms once they are settled for bed and read, or play quietly by themselves until lights-out. </div>
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Be sure to include your own weekly chores if you have to bring the kids with you, like grocery shopping. </div>
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Once you have the week written in, stick to it as best you can. Of course, things come up, but the waking and bedtime hours should stay the same as much as possible, and chores should remain consistent as much as possible. <br />
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<b><i><u>The closer you stick to the schedule, the easier your child will be to handle and the less agitated and anxious their own behavior will be.</u></i></b> </div>
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When you are happy with the schedule, put it under plastic or Plexiglas and hang it on the wall where kids can read it and know what to expect for each day, but cannot erase your hard work! </div>
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Have you got some other tricks for getting through the summer with your challenging kids? Please share your successful tips here with us or on our FB page!<br />
<dl>
<dt>image: License</dt>
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<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/good_day/">Today is a good da</a>y</dd></dl>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-35265657037749417752015-04-27T08:29:00.002-05:002015-04-27T08:29:42.668-05:00Learning Websites for Kids: A resource<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hi friends, </div>
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I don't believe in sitting your kids in front of a computer all day - I believe its better to keep, especially troubled kids, physically active and outdoors, in touch with nature whenever possible - there is simply something healing about that.... but, there is a place for online learning and making learning fun with technology is awesome for kids who may have trouble in other ways.</div>
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Check out these resources and work WITH your kids - Praise often and celebrate victories!</div>
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Please share any other resources you might love to help teach your kids.</div>
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John and Diane</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-11692402167534237212015-04-11T08:13:00.000-05:002015-04-11T08:13:42.252-05:00Tapping Into Creativity to Teach Self-Soothing to Children<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hi Friends, I just wanted to share this article from Psychcentral.com. Some interesting ideas on how to help your kids deal with stress and how to Self Soothe (You can probably use them too!)<br />
<span style="text-decoration: underline;"><br /></span>
<span style="text-decoration: underline;">9 Tools to Help Kids Cope Creativly with Stress<br /></span><span style="font-size: 100%;"><span class="author">By <span class="authorb">Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.</span><br /><em>Associate Editor</em></span></span> </div>
<br />
<img alt="9 Tools to Help Kids Cope Creatively with Stress" src="http://g.psychcentral.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/child-holding-head-3.jpg" id="blogimg" title="child holding head 3" width="197" />Like adults, kids also get stressed out. They stress over school, bullies and fights with friends. They worry when their parents argue. They experience loneliness and have fears about many things from failing an important test to not fitting in.<br />
In her book <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Power-Your-Childs-Imagination-Transform/dp/0399535071/psychcentral" target="_blank"><em>The Power of Your Child’s Imagination: How to Transform Stress and </em></a><em><a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/anxiety/" title="Anxiety">Anxiety</a> into Joy and Success</em>, child educational psychologist and UCLA professor Charlotte Reznick, Ph.D, shares nine tools that help kids access their inner world so they can better traverse the trials and tribulations of growing up.<br />
Here’s a brief look at Reznick’s valuable tools.<br />
<span id="more-28120"></span><br />
<strong>1. Use the Balloon Breath.</strong> <br />
Balloon Breath is a deep, diaphragmatic breathing that helps kids calm down and concentrate. Reznick says that it provides the way in to your child’s private world so they can listen to their inner voice. Have your child put their hands on their belly and breathe in and out slowly.<br />
<strong>2. Discover your special place.</strong> <br />
According to Reznick, “There are private places within your child’s inner world where he can work out problems or take mini-vacations from the stresses of life, where he can relax, regroup, or just hang out in a healthy way.” This special place acts as a springboard for the other tools, she says, because it provides the calm environment needed to start.<br />
In this special place — which could be anything from a castle to a garden to outer space — your child feels loved and protected. Reznick gives the example of a 5-year-old girl who felt awkward about being more advanced than her friends in class. She used her special place to feel less isolated. She told Reznick: “The way to get there is to climb on the clouds and hop from cloud to cloud. Birds fly all over. Mostly they know when I’m coming. Here I feel accepted.”<br />
<strong>3. Meet a wise animal friend. </strong><br />
“An Animal Friend is an imaginary, loving protector who has a child’s best interest at heart, and helps him access inner wisdom,” Reznick writes. She gives the example of a 7-year-old boy who imagined lions at his hospital bedside keeping him safe and giving him the courage to face a tough procedure.<br />
Ruth, a 10-year-old girl who had a hard time with change, used a slew of animals to help her transition into summer vacation. For instance, one horse would stand up for Ruth when her feelings got hurt. Another horse would suggest strategies to reduce stress like journaling her feelings.<br />
<strong>4. Encounter a personal wizard. </strong><br />
Sometimes, Reznick writes, kids want magic. That’s where a personal wizard comes in. Wizards act as kids’ mentors and guides. “When your child calls on a Wizard, she is supported by a collective imagination as old as the first fairytale and as new as the latest fantasy film.”<br />
For her clients Reznick creates magical realms where they can access all kinds of information and get their questions answered. She includes examples like the “Hall of Knowledge,” which has the book <em>All Information for All Time</em>.<br />
Another helpful way for kids to access their inner wisdom is to imagine talking to their future wiser, braver selves. Whatever problem is plaguing them, kids can consult their grown-up selves.<br />
<strong>5. Receive gifts from an inner guide.</strong> <br />
Once your child has an animal friend or personal wizard, they can ask them for gifts. These gifts can be anything from objects to thoughts to ideas that help kids solve their problems. Reznick tells of a 10-year-old who received a rose quartz heart to heal the loneliness and sadness she felt after her friend moved away. A 6-year-old received a Ball of Focus to help him concentrate better.<br />
<strong>6. Check in with heart and belly. </strong><br />
This is another way to encourage kids to listen to their inner wisdom. For instance, have your child put their hand over their heart or on their stomach and imagine listening to the conversation. Reznick says that this makes the connection more tangible and helps kids give themselves a tender touch.<br />
<strong>7. Talk to the toes and other body parts. </strong><br />
This tool helps kids listen more closely to their bodies and access their emotions and physical symptoms. “Talking to Body Parts can reveal the fears and worries that turn tension into physical pain; it also makes elusive feelings concrete so that your child can work with them in creative and healing ways,” Reznick writes.<br />
She suggests starting with two to four feelings, and including half positive and half negative emotions.<br />
10-year-old Thomas was one of Reznick’s clients. He was a worrier but rarely expressed his emotions. With encouragement from Reznick, he found out where certain emotions lived in his body. He learned that stress hid in his head by saying things like “I have to do my homework!” or “Am I ever going to graduate middle school?” When Thomas felt overwhelmed, Calmness, which resided in his arms would tell him not to worry too much, to do his homework and to remember to have fun.<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Power-Your-Childs-Imagination-Transform/dp/0399535071/psychcentral" target="_blank"><img alt="The Power of Your Childs Imagination" class="alignright size-full" src="http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51XZAHYDecL._AA180_SH20_OU01_.jpg" /></a><strong>8. Use color for healing. </strong><br />
Kids can use color to reduce both emotional and physical pain. They can associate specific colors with a stomachache or use color to overcome negative feelings. For instance, Reznick says that purple <em>Courage </em>can calm orange <em>Fear. </em><br />
7-year-old Helena suffered chronic stomachaches, which were connected to her parents’ constant fighting. She imagined that a swirling rainbow would make her stomach feel better. She also used white light to shield herself from her parents’ arguing. The first time she used this tool, Helena told Reznick that it felt great, “Like I was in the middle of the sun with golden lightbulbs going through my body.”<br />
<strong>9. Tap into energy. </strong><br />
When words don’t work, Reznick says that a loving touch can work wonders to calm kids. For instance, you can place your hands wherever your child feels discomfort. Or you can teach children to do this for themselves. Have children rub their hands together and imagine sending love from their heart to their hands. Then they can place their hands over their stomach or another area for a few minutes.<br />
<em>Learn more about Charlotte Reznick’s work at her <a href="http://www.imageryforkids.com/" target="_blank">website</a>.</em><br />
<em>Source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/03/23/9-tools-to-help-kids-cope-creatively-with-stress/</em></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-36819345132741025242015-04-03T14:53:00.000-05:002015-04-03T14:53:05.052-05:00Teaching Through Play: Car Game Math with ADD and Slow Learners<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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by John and Diane. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNqAxJ-cGPeyX6cvMFFqPdHkdO677PWq95JIBy-J2Ljt44l9CJ4IZoLq8yJLL0UEhHj2hZsIJjkUFhMazI0Ilx6fjf-4sg-L9MXSVAEum5tinNJIGGdd4YG3-zYS1GU6DIYl-c0NWjpx8/s1600/2126815347_2710a4d919.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuNqAxJ-cGPeyX6cvMFFqPdHkdO677PWq95JIBy-J2Ljt44l9CJ4IZoLq8yJLL0UEhHj2hZsIJjkUFhMazI0Ilx6fjf-4sg-L9MXSVAEum5tinNJIGGdd4YG3-zYS1GU6DIYl-c0NWjpx8/s320/2126815347_2710a4d919.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
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All parents spend a lot of time in the car, but when I am
driving around with my foster boys it feels like I spend ALL my time in the car
when I should be doing more important things, like helping them with their
homework. Although my kids do get help after school with their studies, my ADD
and “slow learning” kids need extra help so I add it in every chance I get. So,
when I drive my boys to games or school we do math-games-on-the-go. </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">For Math and Memory</b></div>
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The first game I play with my kids’ works on both their math
and memory skills. One of my kids has memory issues that go back to a brain
injury, so working on this everyday is vital. This is how we play a Math and
Memory game:</div>
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First I count from 1-10.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I let the kids listen to me count out loud. </div>
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Next time I count I leave out one number.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I count slowly so it’s easy for the
child to catch what number I leave out at first. As the game goes on I will
speed up. </div>
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When I get to 10, the kids can tell me which number I left
out, if they can remember.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
way, the child has to:</div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Figure out what number I left out – showing his
knowledge of his numbers and sequence and </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Remember that number until I finish counting
through the rest to get to the end- showing his ability to remember.</div>
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You’d think this would be easy, but I have found that kids
learn their numbers with learning-songs. If the songs get disrupted, they can’t
remember their numbers. So, if you do not let them sing the number song they
learned, they are lost. By mixing it up, and leaving out numbers, you force
them to think of numbers in a different way. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Building Up the
Numbers</b></div>
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I have found that when I play the game, as soon as the child
with the memory issues finds out which number I left out, he’ll want to tell me
right away, and like I said, I can’t let him, because I want to challenge him
to remember until I get to the end of the count. You want them to remember the
number in there head for a short time. </div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I even had to
start with the number 9 just so the child could win. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is how impaired his memory would be as we started the
game. </div>
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Eventually I could leave out the number 2 or 3 and then I
know he was learning to remember longer. Next I move to counting up to 1-15 and
then to 1-20 and so on so the child had to hold the number in his head much longer.
So, for example, a real challenge would be to leave out the number 5 and you
are counting to 30. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See how it
works? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Adding and
Subtracting Games</b></div>
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Sometimes I found math would intimidate my kids just because
it was “MATH” and so the words themselves, “adding” and “subtracting” would
scare them. They’d feel like they were too “stupid” to learn big-ol’ scary
“MATH” so, I would have to trick them into it. </div>
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So, my Car Adding and Subtracting Game was born. </div>
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For adding, I would simply ask, “what number is above 3?”
and the child would be able to answer “4” and so on. They found this really fun
because they were successful at it and could answer easily. </div>
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I did the same thing for subtraction, “What number is below
5?” “4!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No problem!</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After we would
do this for a while, I would sneak the words, “plus” or “minus” in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first my kids would say they
couldn’t do it, but then I would go back and show them that “plus” and “above”
were the same, and before they were even aware of it, they were adding and
subtracting simple numbers. </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Rewards</b></div>
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So, not only are the kids learning, they are happy in the
car, because they are successful, and they are competing in a positive way
against each other, and there are rewards for doing well, such as the winner
gets to ride in the front seat! They also get to play a game with Dad, their
favorite toy!</div>
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The competition is not just between the boys; it is with me
as well, which they also love. Every time they both miss a number, I get a
point, if they get a number or problem correct, they get a point. </div>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5872575145321897807" name="_GoBack"></a>So, even though the math is easy, it
reinforces the basics, which is necessary for my kids, and helps keep
information fresh in their minds and occupies my ADD kids on the numerous
errands and car trips we all must endure daily.</div>
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Got some simple learning car-games to share? Please comment
here!</div>
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Image: </div>
<dl id="yui_3_5_1_3_1348771139797_319">
<dt>License</dt>
<dd id="yui_3_5_1_3_1348771139797_318"><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /><img alt="Noncommercial" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noncomm_small.gif" title="Noncommercial" /></a></span>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/mnicolem/">MNicoleM</a>
</dd></dl>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-85478789523672886482015-03-18T10:36:00.000-05:002015-03-18T10:36:20.063-05:00Blowing the Whistle on Arguing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">by John and Diane </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Working with foster kids means often dealing with
kids with multiple behavioral, emotional and cognitive issues. Creative
approaches when dealing with frustrating and escalating behavioral situations
in the home is the only way to maintain sanity for both the foster parent and
the kids in the house. This is how my whistle blowing technique came to be.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I use routine approaches like 123 Magic and Love and
Logic everyday with my kids, but for stair-stepping rage and tantrums, this new
technique has evolved and has really worked for me and the boys I have had in
my care.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">To give you some background, for parents who haven’t
had kids who are detached or have multiple emotional issues, a normal day for
me might include an incident like this:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I might tell Bobby to take a shower. He doesn't want
to. I will use 123 Magic or Love and Logic techniques to get him to comply. He
resists. Now, this is an issue I cannot lose, so I have to eventually yell at
Bobby to try to get him to comply, he will not. I may have to call the police
to come and tell him to take a shower (and I have) just to win the argument.
Once you begin the fight, you cannot lose.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The next technique I tried was this: If the child
refused to do what I asked, I would recite to him all the things I did for him
that day, week or month. I found that sometimes kids would reflect on my
sacrifices and comply. Others would not.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Then, I noticed that as the child’s refusal and anger
would escalate, if I matched his tone and volume, and got even louder, the
child would back down and stop the tantrum behavior. This is a tough route to
go for the foster parent, and everyone else in the household, as, even though
the yelling isn’t done by the parent in anger, it is still loud and disturbing.
Once the child’s rage stopped I could back down the argument and begin
rebuilding the relationship with the child immediately by telling him that I
love him and explaining the reasons for the original request.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Eventually, this gets tiresome and it is a difficult
technique for a foster Mom to accomplish as her voice may be softer and she may
be a less authoritative figure in the home.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
A
foster parent is only human, and the constant re-directing and arguing to get a
difficult, detached child to do simple routine tasks can be exhausting. This is
when I thought of using the whistle system. I realized it wasn't so much the
words I was saying when I matched my pre-teen boys verbal arguing or tantrum,
but the tone and volume that made the most difference and stopped the tantrum. I
decided to talk to his case managers and psychiatrist about using a whistle
instead of my voice in a situation of an escalating rage.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
My
technique was thought out and discussed before use with both his therapists and
my foster kids so that everyone understood the use and reasoning behind the
whistle. The explanation to the kids was this: I would tell the kids to do
something and if they argued with me, I would blow the whistle one short time.
If they persist in arguing instead of doing what they were told, I would blow
the whistle again. If they continued to argue, I would continue to blow the
whistle more loudly and until which time they would do as they were told or
went to their room for a time out. Since the kids were already familiar with
the countdown system, they understood immediately the consequences of the
whistle. They also understood that the whistle was to stop unnecessary back
talk and that once the whistle started blowing, they were not going to be
winning the argument.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1dKBOe9jXiMZkodWNoz0FcFtjqYWw-DmBg1kriru0gQ1YK-q06vml4R6hidczXQVVyQ6oHNx84thZs6pXaBzmMlEoah8s_R5sWGcBiuEhtvUG1_HeCDHOWhuhqssPWRs1QrYOa0dG96n/s1600/whistleart.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm1dKBOe9jXiMZkodWNoz0FcFtjqYWw-DmBg1kriru0gQ1YK-q06vml4R6hidczXQVVyQ6oHNx84thZs6pXaBzmMlEoah8s_R5sWGcBiuEhtvUG1_HeCDHOWhuhqssPWRs1QrYOa0dG96n/s320/whistleart.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5721684892544024754" style="float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; width: 193px;" /></a>Among
his therapists and caseworkers, we discussed the benefits of this behavioral
modification system. If it worked, and was used consistently, my kids with
attachment disorders, alcohol syndrome issues and ADHD, with all of their
impulsive behavioral issues, would be more easily brought under control when in
a rage, and that, potentially, the whistle-ending rage technique would be
transferable to school teachers or other caregivers for my kids.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
So,
I began keeping my whistle in my pocket. When, inevitably, a child started back
talking and refusing to do as they were told, I pulled out the whistle and blew
one quick blow.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I then reminded my child about the whistle technique,
and that there would be no more arguing. As he began to argue once more, I blew
the whistle again. He stopped. As he started to argue once again, I blew it
another time. He stopped. After a few minutes of this, the child left the room
without a tantrum, and either does his task or takes a time out.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Now, I don’t use the whistle all the time, and if I
don’t have it handy, all I have to do is ask someone to get the whistle for me,
and the child who is beginning to argue or tantrum will stop and focus on the
fact that the whistle is coming! The unpleasant sound and the knowledge that
the argument will be useless are very efficient in stopping the behavior.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Peer pressure also helps make the whistle technique
effective. Let’s face it, the only thing worse than hearing people yell is
hearing a whistle blow, and I often hear one child tell the other child to stop
their bad behavior because the other child doesn't want to hear the whistle.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">So, to sum it up, here is why I like the whistle
technique to stop tantrum and arguing behavior with my attachment disorder/ADHD
kids:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s easy to use by both Mom and Dad.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don’t have to argue anymore, which makes my life
less frustrating.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don’t have to think of 100 different ways of
re-stating my reasons for asking my kids to do the action I requested.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">If the child’s behavior is getting to me, he or she
won’t know it, because the whistle blowing can only get louder or softer. The
child will have no sense of victory if they don’t feel like they are winning by
affecting me in any way.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don’t have to worry about accidentally swearing or
letting my own emotions get the best of me in a verbal argument. Foster parents
aren’t perfect, but the whistle will make it easier to be better.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s easier for me to talk to the child afterwards
because blowing the whistle is both a distraction from the hurtful things they
may be saying to me and a stress release for me, so I can be nurturing and calm
after the fight to help heal and re-bond. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am not mentally or physically as worn out or tired.
My voice is not hoarse after a hard day.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">The whistle around my neck is a visual reminder to
the kids not to argue with me. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">The whistle technique is transferable. I can teach it
to the other people in my life who may watch or care for my foster kids so that
they can have better control over the children’s behavior while they are in their
homes.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">After you use it a few times you don’t have to use it
very often after that. All you do is have to reach for it and the child backs
down from his argumentative behavior.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Why the whistle technique will work on your child.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s louder than they can yell or swear at you.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">It stops them from thinking of a new argument because
they can’t finish the first one.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">It disrupts the flow of the argument and the sound
may hurt their ears, make them laugh or startle them, but it is not abusive. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">The whistle is annoying enough so that peer pressure
will help to modify the child’s behavior in the home. </span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·</span><span style="font-size: 7pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Stubborn children who try to out-yell the whistle
will eventually give up and realize they cannot physically compete. Eventually
they will go to their room and the situation is diffused.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
Always
consult your caseworkers and the foster child’s psychiatrist before using the
whistle technique.<br />
<br />
Read: <a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/03/whistle-blowing-technique-update-moving.html" target="_blank">Whistle Blowing Technique Update: Moving Forward</a> next</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .1pt; margin-left: 0in; margin-right: 0in; margin-top: .1pt;">
image
adapted from: flickr: <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">By <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/anneh632/">anneh632</a></b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-31183797475016682662015-03-02T07:30:00.000-06:002015-03-02T07:30:05.752-06:00The Truth about Triggers…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc8R0c4Y8b6TE_HpwGz1YcM4rAjvGm8bUmQ8_wGKg5pUEplBSwKFRXAq1Ca89xFMzudgAUxLHSV8BSUEYIsfaX4u-FSA4JJHrtlZdIWkfBK7K39Wz_srURwj3UYG0m1lKkfow0gnn_mXlZ/s1600/4396419348_95f0498e29.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjc8R0c4Y8b6TE_HpwGz1YcM4rAjvGm8bUmQ8_wGKg5pUEplBSwKFRXAq1Ca89xFMzudgAUxLHSV8BSUEYIsfaX4u-FSA4JJHrtlZdIWkfBK7K39Wz_srURwj3UYG0m1lKkfow0gnn_mXlZ/s320/4396419348_95f0498e29.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
by John and Diane</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
“Triggers” is a term we use when talking about behavioral
impulses that are set off by someone else’s actions or words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all have them. Sometimes our own
anger can be “triggered” by a tone of voice or being ignored by a reticent
teenager. It’s human nature.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When talking about our foster kids though, I have written a
lot about triggers because for better and for worse, dealing with a child’s
triggers is all part of the job.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are always three stages of dealing with a child’s
triggers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. Learning them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Avoiding
them and </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. Triggering them. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is how I approach triggers. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 20.25pt;">
For children without trust
disorders and who are attached to you but may have anger issues:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Here anger issues are defined as a
child who will hit, bite, yell, throw things, break things and call you and
others names. He or she will blame everyone else other than himself or herself.)</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 20.25pt;">
Learning Phase:</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>If
he or she is a new foster child I will watch them and learn what their triggers
are and not go near them and tell other to do the same. The reason I will do
this is to get them out of throwing fits every day, which can become more of a
habitual way for them to communicate rather than to really express what they
need to express.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
will monitor what types of things bring out triggers. Authority? Rules?
Feelings of deprivation or disrespect?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Avoiding Phase:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Once
we can go a day or two without throwing a fit, we can celebrate our
achievements and trust can begin to grow. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>I
treat the child like a guest, not expecting too much from them, allowing them privileges
without expectations, to avoid triggers until the relationship between us
develops. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(See:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/06/you-and-your-rad-kid-importance-of.html" target="_blank">Youand Your RAD Kid: The Importance of the Trust-Building- Honeymoon Period</a>)</b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">This phase can take some time.... </b></div>
<b> </b><br />
<b> <span style="font-size: small;"> </span></b><span style="font-size: small;">Triggering Phase</span><br />
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Once
a relationship has been established I can slowly begin to purposefully trigger
the child’s behavior to teach them to deal with the “triggers” in different
ways.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">When
should I trigger my child?</b></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When it is safe for you and the child </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you have the time to work through
the battle you are going to take on</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After you figure out how you will handle
the child when he or she blows up. Talk it over with your counseler or Doctor
beforehand to make your plan. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Have
a safe plan just in case you forgot something. Is there someone who could help
you? Is the camera on and you are taping the incident just in case it gets out
of hand?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Don’t</b> trigger a child right before
getting on the bus to go to school. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
If you do, you will just have sent a bomb
to school, even if the child seem like they handle the triggering<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ok, when they left to go to
school, if you did have the time to go over the issue with the child. Let the school
know that the child has been triggered once already this morning so they don’t trigger
him again. This has happen to me …Opps! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry teachers! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">My child went off at school and continued a triggered argument from home at school. </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Always, after you trigger the child, talk with
them and go over what just happen and let the child know you knew he or she was
going to act in the manner they did and it didn’t surprise you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you can make it like almost a game
for yourself so you can laugh at it in a nice way this will help you not to
make the blow up feel or become personal because you had control over making it
happen. So it was just a teaching moment between you and the child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Say something like, "I knew you were going to blow up like that Becky, that's why I pushed you like that. I am trying to help you learn how to deal with people differently. How could you have handled that differently? If you had done something differently this morning, would your whole day have gone differently?" Discuss what different reactions would have brought about different consequences to help the child learn how to react in the future. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<b>Note</b>: Remember if we are angry or let what the child say or do hurt us we can’t
work with the child. It becomes unsafe for you and the child you’re trying to
help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do feel hurt but feel
like you can handle it, don’t let the child see that he or she has hurt you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<b>Tip:</b> I find if you can double-team a child with a counselor or an adult that
is working with you, this works the best.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> Important:</b> </span>If you trigger a child and
start a battle you must win. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
You control where it will happen and when so you have the upper hand. You
are taking that control away from the child. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Why do we
now trigger the child</b>?</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 74.25pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level2 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "Courier New"; mso-bidi-font-family: "Courier New"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Courier New";"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">o<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because the child is growing up and soon
will be on his or her own and the world will not tip toe around their triggers.
It is better to deal with the triggers in a safe setting then for them to face
them in a bar or in a jail. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
We will trigger them over and over telling them every time “I did it on
purpose.” This will either make the child smarter and learn that he has to stop it
and he or she has a problem or it will make them mad at you and stop triggering
when you do it, so that they feel the beat you. Either way you win.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
Like always when I work with my children I ask God for help to give me
the strength to deal with the name-calling or even the hitting. I may have to
take a pushing but I won't ever let it stop me from helping a child in need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
I hope you have found this helpful and God Bless you for all the work you
all do with your foster, adopted or bio kids with troubles…. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 38.25pt; mso-add-space: auto;">
image: </div>
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<dt>License</dt>
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<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/theloushe/">theloushe</a>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-73622627901212589382014-12-13T09:06:00.000-06:002014-12-13T09:06:16.786-06:00Gift Giving Guide: ADD/ADHD Foster Kids<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH2xTJUHy4dDmwOmZxWX21chFkD_tRPgGLY0X6OoNQyYuXrwXjVBjYlgde7ukxWfH6XsRYBJ6QvsBwn-h5EMr8sJ6KYQqYPAYHZj47Y7qw8v0iOUNNgZUCt9dC_C2bOc_xRndT3_yYltx7/s1600/2229855019_fd302eba07.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiH2xTJUHy4dDmwOmZxWX21chFkD_tRPgGLY0X6OoNQyYuXrwXjVBjYlgde7ukxWfH6XsRYBJ6QvsBwn-h5EMr8sJ6KYQqYPAYHZj47Y7qw8v0iOUNNgZUCt9dC_C2bOc_xRndT3_yYltx7/s320/2229855019_fd302eba07.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
By John and Diane. <br />
<br />
It is a delicate balance between wanting to make your ADD or ADHD foster, bio or adopted kids happy for the holidays, keep them occupied and out of YOUR hair, and avoid overstimulating them.<br />
<br />
Of course you want to look for items that are age appropriate and sensitive to any learning or physical difficulties they may have, as well as any other special needs or issues that need management like post traumatic stress issues (for instance you might want to stay away from toys that make loud, abrupt noises.)<br />
<br />
For the most part though, you would want to look for toys and games that will stimulate the mind and senses without "revving" up the kids to the point of no-return. <br />
<br />
Sites like ADDitude (Living Well with Attention Deficit) recommend gifts like the Wii Kinect that features games that get kids up and physically active in game play. Pick up some sports, fitness and dance titles to get the party started Christmas morning.<br />
<br />
Don't forget even though it's cold outside in many places, dressing for the weather means they can still have fun outside. Think about sleds, ice skates, snow fort kits, and snow ball shooters. Remember sunshine is important for everybody to avoid the winter blues so getting the kids outside to enjoy time together is vital. Mom and Dad, get out there with them and build a snowman and burn off that excess energy with a snowball fight. Take lots of pictures to remind the kids of the wintertime fun later. <br />
<br />
Lego's and the other building-block type toys are no-miss gifts for kids of all ages and will occupy hours and hours of playtime. <br />
<br />
Teens will enjoy stuff for their computers and software that combines educational and game play plus organizational lessons are perfect for ADD kids. Colorful computer organizational software makes it fun to stay on top of school activities and homework and introducing teens to creative hobbies like digital photography and photo editing software may even inspire a future career!<br />
<br />
A computer-journal program can be a priceless tool for a teen whose moods can be unpredictable and give them an outlet to express their feelings in a novel way that they may relate to and use more regularly than a paper and pen mood diary. <br />
<br />
If you are receiving children into your home in the months of November and December, it may be the first time they are away from their families for the holidays. Spending extra time with them and providing some one on one time will mean so much more than any gift and can help during this difficult time of transition for them. <br />
<br />
Good luck with your holiday shopping<br />
Resources:<br />
http://voices.yahoo.com/top-ten-gift-ideas-adhd-child-117659.html<br />
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/entrepreneurs-adhd/201112/tips-buying-transformational-christmas-gifts<br />
<br />
image: <br />
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<dt>License</dt>
<dd id="yui_3_5_1_3_1353881115660_311"><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /><img alt="Noncommercial" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noncomm_small.gif" title="Noncommercial" /><img alt="Share Alike" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_sharealike_small.gif" title="Share Alike" /></a></span>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/quadrapop/">quadrapop</a>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-56354830766642040392014-12-04T11:43:00.000-06:002014-12-04T11:43:28.962-06:00Foster Parent Survival:Preparing Kids for Holiday Parties and Travel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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by John and Diane.<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiivXpeCfArErbFv-Knzz_eIY1Gc6hVRI_fgfa4Z3y9tJRTcZwpL103R7R9LUcpYretxNwK0FgpkMimfEx9H93kjevPFHSa-_cKoCU_3UWi8LANXL4FKhoyWrMENuOjQtyYpVPqpMGG-usJ/s1600/6390187191_27e1f16077.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiivXpeCfArErbFv-Knzz_eIY1Gc6hVRI_fgfa4Z3y9tJRTcZwpL103R7R9LUcpYretxNwK0FgpkMimfEx9H93kjevPFHSa-_cKoCU_3UWi8LANXL4FKhoyWrMENuOjQtyYpVPqpMGG-usJ/s320/6390187191_27e1f16077.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Do your foster kids get a little TOO excited by holiday get togethers?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
The holidays can be stressful on foster families for
numerous reasons, and joyful as well, and with everything to do with your
little holiday elves, planning and preparation make all the difference in
getting through holiday events with a smile on your face. Holiday get togethers
with family and friends are no different. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Foster kids that have been in your care for a while may be
all excited to see their cousins and aunts and uncles and may forget the rules
while an influx of new children might be entering your lives and looking for
calm in a time of happy chaos.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Although you may ask Santa for your eggnog and fuzzy
slippers, your work is never done, but make the next month easy on yourself and
Analyze, Prepare and Partake.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Analyze a Newcomer</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As sometimes happens, you may have just met your foster
child right before the holiday season, and behavioral issues may be masked or
undiagnosed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Spend some time and
figure out what kind of issues you may be dealing with before you jump right
into holiday parties and trips.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ask yourself these questions: </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Are they hyperactive because of ADD or ADHD or is
it just because everything is new to them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they become so excited that they make themselves sick? </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Are they afraid of new people and new places? Do
they exhibit increases in anxiety in new situations? </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Are they able to control themselves in the car? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can they settle down and control their
hands and feet for a short road trip?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Get a handle on your new foster child’s issues and although
you may be in the honeymoon period over the holidays, be sure to monitor him or
her with other children and in other people’s home until you know the child’s
history, mental and emotional background. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Preparation for your Average Foster Child:</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For Foster kids who show the normal range of anxiety about
new circumstances it is important to simply give them some guidance and
forewarning about events and what is expected of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Boundaries and expectations, as always,
help kids with or without ADD or impulse issues and provide a clear idea for
kids as to what will happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
clearer a situation is the lower the anxiety will be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">1.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>One week before a trip or party tell the
children where they are going, and who will be riding in the car with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell them how long it will take
to get there, and any other details about the trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trust me it’s better to do this before you’re driving down
the road and have to answer this question while you’re driving.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">2.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>If you don’t already have <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Car Rules</b> now is the time to do this and go through them with the
kids. Start to use them before the big trip any time you get in a car so they know
how you want them to act when the car is moving. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can cover the rules for car/vans later in another blog post.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">3.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discuss
what other children will be at the party and cover any “friendship” rules while
you are in the car. If your foster children need monitoring be sure to tell the
kids that the rules are not changing and that Mom and Dad will be watching or
that the kids must sit next to Mom and Dad at all times if necessary. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">4.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Have a game plan for discipline. Talk to your
host about a place for time-outs and let the kids know, again, that if they
misbehave or break the house rules you have at home, or rules for behavior, you
will still discipline them. Be prepared to have one parent leave with a child
who is breaking the rules.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only
one parent should leave if possible so that the child can’t win by stopping the
whole family from having fun.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
parent that leaves must let the child know what he or she is missing and how
that makes them feel.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">5.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span></span>Know your foster children so you can keep them
safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This may mean if you have a
child with sexual problems you may not want him or her playing with young
children or even some time older children unsupervised. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may get themselves hurt or act out and get a child from
some other family in trouble because they were pulled into something and did
not know what to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So “keep you child safe” means keeping
them from being hurt or hurting other children one way or another. </div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5872575145321897807" name="_GoBack"></a><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">6.<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Role-play
and go through how the other children will act to help them get over the
nervousness of meeting new people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Give them ideas on how they can handle situations that are unfamiliar to
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tell them basic things like,
“just stand by Mom and Dad until we introduce you to the other kids ”or “bring
a game you can play until you feel like joining in.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
By talking through unfamiliar scenarios you can squash a lot
of the nervousness and fears and make foster kids feel more comfortable with
holiday get togethers.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>The High Anxiety Kids</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now, there are some kids who cannot handle the excitement of
holiday get together and parties. The mere thought of festivities and whether
they are happy-excited or anxious about it, talking the situation over in
advance is not the right approach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I know about kids like this first hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had a child who would work herself up
into such a state of anxiety and excitement that once she knew we were going to
a holiday get together; she would end up making herself sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the time everyone was ready to go,
she’d be throwing up and then we would have to cancel our plans.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now for the little girl, we could not tell her anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even as we left home, we made up
a story saying we are headed to the store or to Grandmother’s home, as long as
it was in the same direction as where we were really going.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We would then keep her distracted with
games to make the ride fun until we got to the real destination. Once there,
she had no trouble fitting in and enjoying herself. Eventually the trips were
easier for her and she got over her anxiety problems. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u>Partake… and have fun….</u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Overall, getting through holiday parties with your foster
kids means letting your kids know that no matter how long they have been part
of your family, they ARE part of something good, something bigger then
themselves, and that being part of a family means respecting others as much as
it means having fun. Try to keep your sense of humor and take time for those
deep breaths always reminding yourself the real reason for the season…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
image: <br />
<dl id="yui_3_5_1_3_1354477259191_313">
<dt>License</dt>
<dd id="yui_3_5_1_3_1354477259191_312"><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /><img alt="Noncommercial" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noncomm_small.gif" title="Noncommercial" /><img alt="No Derivative Works" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noderivs_small.gif" title="No Derivative Works" /></a></span>
<a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/" title="Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/barelypodcasting/" id="yui_3_5_1_3_1354477259191_321">Barely</a>
</dd></dl>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-25596948748785788972014-11-17T08:03:00.000-06:002014-11-17T08:03:42.726-06:00Blending Your Foster Kids and Your Bio Kids: Part 3 When Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXpfIfc26GE8YgACTlHzXM27v0AzAGTSqXQwu8V_fg5ngeVN96uLKjAeQd2HZZDcNLshsve7fHYC_TK2RGg_LLtbgvq3PSwuBlbtIzVAScfXaGxnWUsODW0EtKO9WczUsZ2q_-sVVpJrTD/s1600/6098665831_92859116d3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXpfIfc26GE8YgACTlHzXM27v0AzAGTSqXQwu8V_fg5ngeVN96uLKjAeQd2HZZDcNLshsve7fHYC_TK2RGg_LLtbgvq3PSwuBlbtIzVAScfXaGxnWUsODW0EtKO9WczUsZ2q_-sVVpJrTD/s320/6098665831_92859116d3.jpg" height="320" width="211" /></a>By John and Diane <br />
<br />
When I first started doing foster care I knew it would be a
growing and learning experience for my whole family. If you read Parts 1 and 2
of this series, you can see that the growing has been painful at times, but
there have been countless blessings as well. My daughters have met all
different kinds of people during our family’s journey through foster care, and
some of the children touched our lives and hearts in positive ways. Sometimes the relationships evolved in
unexpected ways. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I asked my oldest daughter, now 21, to reflect on some
of the children that crossed her path, she thought about one girl who really
illustrates this point” </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“We
had a girl that was a grade under me in school move in, her name was Sandy
[name changed] she was fun to have around at first. I really took
her in, as my sister I helped her decorate her room, and gave her some of my
stuff. She would sleep in my room
sometimes. It was like having a
constant slumber party.</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> She quickly became jealous of me and
everything that I had; she wanted to be just like me. She started destroying my stuff. Just little things, like once I caught her putting gum in a
tie blanket my mom had made me. We
started getting in arguments and things would get pretty hostile. Then one day I went to school and came home
and she had been moved out. I was
told that apparently she threatened my life so my parents had her</i> <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">removed from the home.”</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We thought it would be a good idea to have a foster child
around the same age as our own for the following reasons: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
1.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>Our child would have a friend to keep her
occupied</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
2.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>They would grow up and be best friends and be
supportive of each other</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
3.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>They would be going to the same school so they
could share transportation and activities </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
4.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>They would be like real siblings and could share
clothing etc.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
5.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>The foster child would need us to love her/him
and provide the things she/he wasn’t getting in the first place</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
6.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span>We would provide family structure that she
lacked in a previous home</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What we found was that the age of the child was less
important than the child’s history and experiences. In this case it was young
girl who had a troubled life, she was the type of child that acted out in
school, had very little social skills and we later learned she both lied and
stole. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The caseworkers told us that she just needed to be loved and
to have a strong family structure to keep her safe. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My wife took her in and took her shopping for new clothing
to help her feel and that she was a part of the family. We did not attempt to dig into her past
as we thought that they had professionals dealing with those issues and we
would just let her start fresh with us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As time went on
we felt as though she was manipulating us and making demands of us, often
saying that we were treating her differently then our biological children. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No matter what we would provide for her we could not fulfill
her need to belong “to” us. She
was also still involved in the court system and having visitation with her bio
mother, which did not help the situation.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is a balancing act that foster parents have to do between
the foster children and biological children. You must make sure that your own
children feel loved and the foster kids do not feel like they are being treated
differently. We tried to
compensate our bio kids for the lack of time given to them with more gifts and
monetary things, and spent more time with the foster kids, thinking they needed
and wanted more nurturing and attention. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So all the good intentions that we had fell through, it
wound up that this child wanted to be in our family so badly that she wrote a
letter stating she wanted to get rid of our bio daughter so she could take her
place. This resulted in her immediate removal from the house. <a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5872575145321897807" name="_GoBack"></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I would suggest simply getting foster children who are younger
than your bio. kids. This way some discrepancy in the way they are treated can
be attributed to age differences. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, here are some tips on dealing with jealousy issues
between your bio kids and foster or adopted kids:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Be sure they know there is enough love to go around.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Try to spend time with each child separately.
Have a “date” time with each kid or a special activity you do with each child
once a week or once a month.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Play family sports or games and have the all the
kids be on the same team where they can work together to bond. Give them a
chance to work together and not to compete against each other.</div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";">
</span></span>Treat children within the home equally, shower
all of them with love and make them all follow the rules.</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-46173130743243992332014-11-10T17:04:00.000-06:002014-11-10T17:04:30.200-06:00Into the Fold: Blending Your Bio Kids with Your Foster Kids - Part 2: Rooms to Grow…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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by John and Diane</div>
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I asked my daughter to write down her thoughts on growing up in a home with foster children and I thought that her advice and insights would be very valuable to new (and experienced) foster parents out there. I feel that foster parent training may not really prepare families for the realities of bringing children with complex emotional, behavioral and cognitive issues into their home. Caseworkers and counselors, though they may be well meaning, do not always “have your back” and you must take the reins and lead your household in the safest and most nurturing way possible for both your biological and foster children. </div>
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My wife and I made some mistakes early on, which have shaped everyone in my family to some extent, as all experiences do, and it is my hope,that by sharing our past, we can help others to avoid the pitfalls that we lived through. </div>
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At one point we had 4 foster children in our home, plus our own daughters. We grew close and some of the foster children we had began to feel like true siblings to our own two children. It was easy to get comfortable in the home and feel safe. That was a mistake.</div>
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From my daughter, who was 13 or 14 at the time: </div>
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<i> “For some reason my parents thought that it would be smart to put all three teens together downstairs, let me forewarn all the future foster parents right now when you put teenage girls and boys together things happen. Although I will not go into details if you have daughters I STRONGLY advise against allowing boys within a 3 or even 4year range of your daughters in the house or even just older boys period. They were fun at times for me to hangout with but because we didn’t have the blood relation naturally people become attracted to each other as inappropriate as it might be. Young girls are very impressionable andit’s just not a risk worth taking. “</i></div>
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I thought that because the bedrooms were at complete opposite sides of the finished basement, and I had monitoring cameras and had clearly discussed boundaries with the children that this was acceptable. I can see that it was foolish. </div>
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<u>Conversely, I have also learned that no matter the gender of a foster child, or even if they are blood-related, each foster child should have their own bedroom. Meaning each girl, each boy, brothers, sister each child should have their own room. </u></div>
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Sometimes foster children come into the program with sexual abuse issues (as discussed previously) that have not been discussed or discovered, hence, it is easy to inadvertently put children at risk for being abused by other children, including siblings, when they are sharing rooms.Rooms should be single occupied <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">only</b>and the house rules (as detailed in <u>Importance of House Rules/Chore Lists for kids with Trust Disorders and RAD) </u>state that children are not allowed in each other’s rooms, must be enforced.</div>
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I cannot stress to you how important this is. No matter how pressured you might feel to take more children, unless or until you know for certain that there are no sexual or abuse type issues with the child, it is not worth the risk to anyone under your roof to share bedrooms. </div>
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So, again, perhaps you think I was too naive, or that my story is atypical, but I am sure that there are many foster parents out there that are learning by trial and error; which is an unfortunate state of affairs when we are dealing with troubled children already. </div>
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<u>Hence: Lessons learned thus far in this series: </u></div>
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<b> </b><b>Part1.</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Insist on getting new foster children’s criminal and personal case records</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Do not rely on your own children telling you the truth in regards to foster children’s behavior</div>
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<b>Part 2</b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Keep teenaged and younger children on separate and well-monitored floors or better yet, do not take foster kids who are older than your own children.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span>Each foster child should have their own bedroom,no matter if they are of the same sex, or are related. </div>
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More to come.... </div>
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Please share your experiences and thoughts... </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-47102678638334790012014-11-03T09:06:00.000-06:002014-11-03T09:06:16.341-06:00Into the Fold: The Effect on Your Bio Kids When Foster Kids Come Home: Part 1.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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by John and Diane</div>
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Becoming a foster parent when you already have children of your own is a big decision, and one that is sometimes made with well-intentioned naïveté. At least, it was in my case.</div>
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Ten years ago, I led my family, (2 daughters and my wife) into a life helping children in my community. I already had a lot of experience dealing with troubled kids at my job where I frequently supervised kids doing community service hours. I found out that bringing them into my home and making them part of my family was both rewarding, and a much greater risk than I had anticipated.</div>
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My daughters were 10 and 12 when we began fostering kids. Although I had talked to caseworkers about the type of kids I was willing to work with (behavioral issues, but not sexual abuse or other overtly risky behaviors that would be dangerous to my family,) before we began to bring children into our home, I later realized one simply cannot take for granted that the “system” will always protect you and yours.</div>
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I started this blog and am working on a book to help new foster parents prepare for things that aren’t necessarily covered in the training classes. With this in mind I asked my now 21-year-old daughter her thoughts on growing up with foster kids.</div>
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Here are a few of her insights:</div>
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“ Each foster child who entered the home affected me in a different way. The first kid we had was an older teenage boy. He was 16; I was 12. It was unique having an older sibling for once, and I got to hang around with his friends, but I was exposed to things that I shouldn't’ have been at a young age. I kept a lot of secrets from my parents when he was living there, a lot that my parents still to this day do not know.”</div>
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My daughter and I have talked about these things, and I have learned a great deal from her experiences. The lesson I want to pass on here is this:</div>
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Do not expect your child to be honest with you and tell you what is going on. I had a long talk with my kids before bringing foster children into our home. They were told to tell me if anything happened between them and any of our other foster kids. I said plainly, “If they come into your room, touch you in any way, or say anything inappropriate, come to me.” They didn’t.</div>
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In spite of having video monitoring cameras in the public areas in my home and what I thought was open communication, I wasn't able to protect my own kids from negative influences I brought into my home.</div>
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Although ultimately, my own naiveté was partially to blame, poor communication with caseworkers and counselors was also a contributing factor here.</div>
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The “professionals” gave me a false sense of security. Either they didn’t know how to deal with sexual issues themselves, or they weren’t sure where the line of confidentiality should have been drawn, but when a dangerous child or a child-predator is in your home, you should know it.</div>
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My advice to foster parents is this: ask for all the child’s court records and all the information about the child before they come into your home. You are entitled to it. Do not take anyone else’s word that the child coming into your home is “safe.”</div>
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If that doesn’t work for you, treat every child who enters your home as if they were a predator, liar and thief. I don’t mean that to be unkind, or that you should treat them in an unloving or un-nurturing way, but in the way that you provide safety and security for everyone in the home, including the other foster children and biological children in your house.</div>
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See the Blending Families Tab at the top of our blog to read the whole series.</div>
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image: flickr: License</div>
<dl><dd><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /></a></span> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/" title="Attribution License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/47152453@N07/">Tammy McGary</a> </dd></dl>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-12610509379066476462014-10-06T15:13:00.000-05:002014-10-06T15:13:44.069-05:00Being Good Through Competition: Pigs Trough Syndrome<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">I have this theory I refer to as the Pigs Trough Syndrome (no offense to pigs or kids out there.) The theory is based on this: A farmer can’t raise just one pig, because it would starve to death. One pig will not eat; it needs another pig at the trough to compete with for food, in order to stimulate its appetite, and inspire it to eat and thrive. I have noticed similar behavior among some of my past foster kid’s with attachment disorders.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">I had one child who loved to clean the house and do chores to please me and make me happy. He would receive praise for these activities, and would do these things without being asked. The other child (who had an attachment disorder) would never normally initiate doing routine chores without prompting and would usually not complete his normal assigned chores on his assigned day without continual prompts and encouragement. Even then, his cleaning or assignments were done quickly and without care. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">Once the child who enjoyed cleaning came into the house, the other boy observed the positive feedback he received, and began cleaning and performing the same tasks to compete with the other kid for attention and kudos. The competition for attention and praise compelled him to behave in a desired manner where monetary rewards, activity rewards or other routine household allowances or reward programs failed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">If the other child weren't around to do the activities, the inspiration to perform the tasks would be missing. Without the competition, and the feeling that one child could “win” the affection or praise over the other foster child; the normal lazy approach to chores would continue. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">Unfortunately, in my experience, the good behavior inspired through competition does not become a habit for kids with attachment disorder, once the competition is gone. That is the problem with attachment disorders, the child doesn't’ really seek the affection or praise of the foster parent, so that is not the reward… in this case, the reward is winning a competition or beating out another child. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "; font-size: 100%;">This behavior could be monitored. However, over time to see if it does continue without competition. This might be one way to determine if an attachment has formed between a child with an attachment disorder and his foster or adoptive parents.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Lucida Grande"; font-size: 15.0pt;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 78%;">photo </span><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: 78%;">http://www.flickr.com/photos/emeryjl/888931891/sizes/m/in/photostream/</span></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-36578720396501110292014-09-17T09:19:00.000-05:002014-09-17T09:19:35.582-05:00Importance of House Rules/Chore Lists for kids with Trust Disorders and RAD<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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by John and Diane<br />
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Having and posting house rules in any home with children is useful, but in a foster home or in a home with RAD kids or children with Trust Disorders it is especially important.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">House rules and written chore lists provide a feeling of safety and security to enhance a loving and trusting environment vital to RAD and TD kids.They, especially, need to prepare themselves for each day and enjoy a routine they can count on so that they can feel safe and secure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Develop your house rules with the natural flow of the day and the household in mind. Start with the morning activities and grooming and end with bedtime. Include interactions with others in the house, and pet care. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">The presence of the house rules and chore lists allows and insures equal justice for all the kids in the house. Everyone in the house is aware of the rules and can point out other kids breaking the rules or inconsistencies in the rules to the caregiver. RAD and TD kids always feel like they are being cheated and this allows them to feel like have recourse in the house.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">When a foster child first the enters the house, you go over the rules with them and make sure they understand them. Rules are posted in the home, and each child is given a copy. Kids are asked to sign a copy of the rules and an agreement with the parent that the parent can search the child’s room (amongst other things to be discussed in later posts) and enforce the rules.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">There is also a disciplinary chart and a reward chart. Again, giving the RAD and TD child a clear understanding of what to expect, therefore helping to build a sense of situational security and safety. (We will discuss these charts later as well.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">House rules may be adjusted to the child’s abilities to follow the rules (for example, ability to clean his or her room.) It must be explained that the house rules are not there as a punishment but as a way to help everyone get along in the house and to create harmony. It is not wrong or being “mean” to say to someone in the house “I am sorry honey, but you broke the house rule and you have to be punished because it is not fair to the other people in the house that you didn’t follow the rules.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Never refer to the house rules in an angry fashion, but in a sincere, “teaching moment” fashion. This way the child doesn’t resent the presence of the house rules, but sees them as a guide to live peacefully with others as part of a family.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Follow up on the discussion of the breaking of the house rules with the Love and Logic or 123 Magic systems, but begin the initial discussion of the breaking of the house rules in this calm manner.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">The other benefit of the House Rules is that they extend to friends of the children. When a friend visits, they, too, are instructed of the rules, and thereby feel safe in the home, and have a clear understanding of what behavior is expected of them, and others in the house.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Always have as the last thing on the House Rules list, “ Rules can be Modified by (your name)” as undoubtedly you will need to modify them, and one of your kids (a future lawyer) will tell you that you can’t unless you have this on the sheet. Be prepared to defend this stance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Here are our house rules you can use as an example:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">CHORES</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Morning:<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Make your bed<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="color: black;">Clean your bedroom</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Get dressed</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="color: black;">Turn off your Lights and night light </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Eat breakfast<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Brush your teeth.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Make sure you have everything you need for school or work before you leave the house. <span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Go to school/go play</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Afternoon:</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do homework<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"> Put your clean clothes away and bring back your basket to the laundry room. Dump your dirty clothes in the laundry room on laundry day.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do chores that are asked of you</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Take a bath or shower before bedtime when told.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Clean your bedroom. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Brush your teeth</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Go to bed and be quiet and turn off your lights you may have a nightlight. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">John will check your bedroom each day they must be as neat as possible based on your age and abilities will check all bedrooms. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: 18pt;">HOUSE RULES</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not steal</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not lie </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not swear</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not fight</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not back talk to adults</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Do not enter other people’s bedrooms without permission from John.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Always knock on the bathroom door before entering, wash hand after using, flush toilet, and put toilet seat down.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Always pick up your toys or anything you were using and put them back.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">Always ask before taking food. Pop/ juices/milk can only be drank at mealtime. All other times. water is available for you to drink. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"> Do not eat in your bedroom or any other room other then the kitchen and dining room area with out permission from John. Always put your dishes away.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;">No cell phone or computers in the bedroom after bedtime.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 100%;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">John can modify any of these rules at any time.</b></span></div>
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flickr: License <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/" title="Attribution-ShareAlike License"></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/schmich/"></a><span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /></a></span> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/" title="Attribution License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/drgbb/">DrGBB</a><br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-35896685692575078352014-09-08T09:48:00.000-05:002014-09-08T09:48:53.549-05:00Tough Love: Fostering Young Kids with Attachment Disorders and Dysfunctional Parents<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7IJsGvfstvsSOBN6F5oofd9zSYJllmMMNB5B9ENQSksE-hYf3qSXIbxAJ7vydO4n6caKug5GE6C9lSkJKOACa3kkYluy3-OOvNhv-LLrIHaKJJN4TeaV1xe9ujtpqFkbhlJhK9IJCe5gw/s1600/blog+pic.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7IJsGvfstvsSOBN6F5oofd9zSYJllmMMNB5B9ENQSksE-hYf3qSXIbxAJ7vydO4n6caKug5GE6C9lSkJKOACa3kkYluy3-OOvNhv-LLrIHaKJJN4TeaV1xe9ujtpqFkbhlJhK9IJCe5gw/s320/blog+pic.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5719458513385282050" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 320px; margin: 0 10px 10px 0; width: 213px;" /></a><br />
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I know, of course, children who have signs of attachment disorders must have dysfunctional or non-functional parents right? Probably true, but kids are not always kept from their natural parents once entered into the foster care system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my experience, neglected children who enter the system sometimes end up going back to the family members who put them in the bad situation in the first place.</div>
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Of course, the hope is that the parents are trained and educated between the time we take in the children, but as a Foster Dad I always feel a sense of urgency when I get a young child with an attachment disorder that is going back to his parents.</div>
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Children develop their foundations (trust, safety, security, love) between the ages of 0-5, and even the very most neglected and under-developed (mentally, socially, etc) kids with the beginnings of attachment disorders can make great headway if treated intensely early on.</div>
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For example, a 5-year-old child came into foster care with minimal verbal skills, in diapers and with a diagnosis of attachment disorder or autism. His parents were expected to get him back after retraining in spite of his regressed behavior and skills. Although he was not where he should be verbally and socially, he was independent in other ways (feeding himself, structuring his time by watching TV) and spoiled (didn’t respond well to having his established routine changed.)</div>
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Although I didn’t have this child in my care, I have had children like him and I have found that with intense, 24-7 care, and treating the child like you would an infant, the child can begin to attach and learn the social and verbal skills he has missed, in a short period of time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You must lovingly taking away the independence he had established and provide the dependence and nurturing an infant would normally experience.</div>
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This means limiting his independence, setting boundaries and rules that would limit his independence and bring him back to a point where he would be tended to as if he were an infant.</div>
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This approach, of course, requires a full time foster parent, just like a full time mother or father would care for a newborn, and the toughest part of all, restricting the biological parents from visitations for 6 months while the attachment and foundations can form between the foster parent and the child.</div>
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Hopefully, with this kind of approach and all the constant attention, talking to, and love a parent would give a newborn, a regressed child like this will gain skills and perhaps avoid the challenges children with attachment disorders suffer from throughout their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Prayer, of course, can’t hurt either.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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image:<span class="ccIcn ccIcnSmall"><a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/"><img alt="Attribution" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_attribution_small.gif" title="Attribution" /><img alt="No Derivative Works" border="0" src="http://l.yimg.com/g/images/cc_icon_noderivs_small.gif" title="No Derivative Works" /></a></span> <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/" title="Attribution-NoDerivs License">Some rights reserved</a> by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/dawnashley/">Dawn Ashley</a> flickr.com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5872575145321897807.post-59495134062034647802014-09-02T11:31:00.000-05:002014-09-02T11:31:13.144-05:00Taking Control of Tantrums: Tips for Working with ADD, RAD and "Average" Kids<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Tantrums are something all parents have to deal with, whether they are your own bio. kids, or foster or adopted children. Kids with behavioral or psychological issues of course add an additional complexity to dealing with anger issues, and require some sensitivity, however, at the very core of a tantrum, the approach is the same.<br />
<br />
We have talked quite a bit about tantrum behavior here on Foster Parent Rescue, but some of our newest readers may not have stumbled upon those articles in our archives. I wanted to mention them now, as we approach summer-break from school, since the kids will be home more and behaviors may initially worsen from boredom or a change in their routine. (Something we will discuss next week again as well.)<br />
<br />
For right now though, let me refresh your memories and point our new readers to some previously posted advice on controlling tantrums. Please check out these links on our blog:<br />
<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/03/blowing-whistle-on-arguing.html" target="_blank">Blowing the Whistle on Arguing: </a><br />
<div class="post-title entry-title" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/04/great-conversations-on-rad-kids-and.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Great Conversations: On RAD Kids and Introverted Tantrums: Trying the Whistle Technique</span></a></div>
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<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/03/tantrums-and-trust-disorders-doorways.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Tantrums and Trust Disorders: Doorways to Better Relationships</span></a>
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<div class="post-title entry-title" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2012/04/dealing-with-introverted-rad-kid.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-weight: normal;">Dealing with the Introverted RAD Kid: Introverted Tantrums and the Fall Back Technique</span></a></div>
<div class="post-title entry-title" style="text-align: left;">
<a href="http://fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com/2013/02/avoiding-temper-tantrums-in-asperger.html" target="_blank">Avoiding Temper Tantrums in Asperger (and other) Kids: A Link</a></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal;"> We also wanted to add this recent article from PsychCentral.com about dealing with tantrums and ADD kids (which is appropriate for all kids really.) Check it out:</span></div>
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<a href="http://i2.pcimg.org/lib/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/12-Tips-to-Navigate-Summertime-When-Your-Child-Has-ADHD.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="ADHD & Kids: 9 Tips to Tame Tantrums " border="0" class="alignright size-full wp-image-16327" src="http://i2.pcimg.org/lib/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/12-Tips-to-Navigate-Summertime-When-Your-Child-Has-ADHD.jpg" height="200" title="12 Tips to Navigate Summertime When Your Child Has ADHD" width="143" /></a><br />
<h2 id="post-16314">
<span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/adhd-kids-9-tips-to-tame-tantrums/" rel="bookmark" title="Permanent Link: ADHD & Kids: 9 Tips to Tame Tantrums">ADHD & Kids: 9 Tips to Tame Tantrums</a></span></h2>
<span class="author">
By <span class="authorb">Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.</span></span>
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In kids with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (<a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/adhd/" title="ADHD">ADHD</a>), impulsivity manifests in many different ways. <br />
“Kids can impulsively run into the street. They can hit another
student in line at school. They can climb up on the roof and jump off,
hoping to fly like Superman,” said <a href="http://addconsults.com/" target="_blank">Terry Matlen</a>, ACSW, a psychotherapist and author of <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Survival-Tips-Women-AD-HD/dp/1886941599/psychcentral" target="_blank"><i>Survival Tips for </i></a><i><a href="http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/05/12/stress-triggers-depression-in-women-alcohol-craving-in-men/2266.html" title="Women">Women</a> with AD/HD</i>.<br />
And they can have tantrums. There are many reasons why kids with ADHD have meltdowns. For instance, “for many <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/motivational-strategies-for-children-with-adhd/" title="children with ADHD">children with ADHD</a>
there is no internal understanding of ‘later.’ It’s now or now,” Matlen
said. They have a hard time putting their wants and needs on hold.
Because they’re kids, they’ve also yet to learn how to calm themselves
or express their needs and emotions appropriately, she said.<br />
“A little disappointment becomes the end of the world and nothing
seems to stop the child from, what looks like, obsessing over their
intense needs of that moment.”<br />
They also might feel overwhelmed by external events, such as “too much <a href="http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2010/07/how-couples-negotiate-noise/" title="noise">noise</a>
or excitement at a party… Combined, these symptoms make it very hard to
stay calm when under stress or when they feel fearful or anxious.”<br />
When your child has a tantrum, especially in public, it can be tough
to know how to respond. Some parents vacillate from one extreme to
another, from placating their child and giving in to punishing them and
getting angry, according to Matlen.<br />
But while it might seem impossible, you can navigate the rocky road
of tantrums. Here are expert strategies to prevent tantrums or tame them
when they start.<br />
<b>1. Pinpoint the source. </b><br />
Psychotherapist <a href="http://www.stephaniesarkis.com/index.php" target="_blank">Stephanie Sarkis</a>,
Ph.D, suggested looking “at what might be triggering your child’s
behaviors.” When you can find the source of the behavior, she said, you
can make strides toward changing it.<br />
Knowing what triggers your child, Matlen said, can help you defuse
their tantrum as early as possible. For instance, is your child hungry?
Are they <a href="http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sleep/" title="sleep">sleep</a>-deprived? Are they experiencing strong emotions? Once you pinpoint the underlying problem try to solve it, she said.<br />
This also is a good tool for preventing tantrums. For instance, if
your child can’t handle the overstimulating environment of a local fair,
just don’t take them, Matlen said.<br />
<b>2. Explain consequences in advance. </b><br />
Before a tantrum ever starts, Matlen suggested talking to your child
about the negative consequences of bad behaviors. She gave this example:
“If you scream and cry when I turn off the TV, you won’t be able to
watch it later today.”<br />
Matlen took this approach when her daughter was 5 years old. She
tended to have tantrums when she didn’t get a new toy at the store.
“Before our next outing, I told her that if she had a tantrum, I would
simply pick her up and take her home. No toys and no more visits to the
store for a very long time.”<br />
Her daughter still had a meltdown. But instead of getting furious or
frustrated, Matlen picked up her daughter and took her to the car. She
drove home without saying a word. And it never happened again.<br />
“This, of course, may not work for all children, but it’s an example
of planning ahead and having an outcome that everyone understands.”<br />
<b>3. Talk to your child, and encourage them to talk back. </b><br />
Talk calmly and quietly to your child, and acknowledge their
feelings, Matlen said. Doing so helps your child feel heard, Sarkis
said.<br />
For instance, according to Matlen, you might say, “I know you’re
angry that I won’t buy you that toy today. It feels frustrating and it
makes you feel like exploding inside, doesn’t it?”<br />
Then, encourage your child to express their emotions, as well: “I’d
be awfully upset too if I couldn’t get what I wanted right now — let’s
talk about why this is so important to you so you can help me to
understand.”<br />
<b>4. Distract your child. </b><br />
For younger kids, distraction may work, Matlen said. “Talk about
something completely different, like how excited you are to watch the TV
show you planned, when you all get home.”<br />
<br />
Read the rest here : <a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/adhd-kids-9-tips-to-tame-tantrums/">http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/adhd-kids-9-tips-to-tame-tantrums/</a><br />
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