by John and Diane
The following is part of a conversation that took place on
our Facebook page that we all agreed to share on the blog, and repost on
Facebook so the conversation could continue (as it started as a response to a
link to another article and then we all kind of got off topic!) As the purpose
of this blog and Facebook page is to help each other we wanted to make sure our
Blog pals got an opportunity to listen in on the conversation and join in if
they like…. This is by no means a way to end the conversation, but a way to
make it easier to continue it… I have taken the names off (except for our
responses) to maintain confidentiality on
the blog…
FPR= Foster Parent Rescue author
Other initials are members/friends
CJ:
(describing her RAD daughter’s history)
She has been with us for almost 3
years. While we have had problems all along, they have changed as her
circumstances have changed. When she came to us she was still having mandatory
visits with her birth parents twice weekly. During that time our focus was on
resolving her terrible nightmares, bed wetting, night terrors, eating disorder,
etc. She had a history of never having been told no about anything---absolutely
no limits, so her behavior was just wild.On the eating issue, she was unable at
4 years old to identify any fruit or vegetable, other than strawberries. She
was unable to chew meat even in tiny bites because she had never eaten it
before. She would eat--literally--only frozen waffles with syrup, sugar coated
cereal, candy, cookies and the like. When provided with "real" food,
she would gag and be unable to swallow it. She would starve herself rather than
eat unless she was given what she wanted, which was sweets. Once parental
rights were term'd and we didn't have to do visits, the bed wetting and some of
her negative behaviors began to improve. We had to hire a "monster
catcher" to come to our home and trap the monsters that caused her
nightmares. Slowly we saw improvement in all areas except eating. Now I do want
to say she TRIED to improve her eating. She really did make the effort. It
seems to be more that she just can't chew the food and swallow it. All medical
testing is negative for any physiological problem, so it's believed to be sensory
and her therapist suggests it's likely a result of oral abuse at some point.
Things were actually pretty smooth for about 6 months following finalization.
The eating problem and some minor behavioral problems were really the only
issue and we really thought we had gotten thru everything and all was good. She
continued to see her family therapist and the feeling was that she was
adjusting. Here's where we adults made a huge error. She asked us to please let
her stop therapy. We discussed it with our former social worker and with her
school teacher, as well as with the therapist. We came to the conclusion that
she was just sick and tired of talking about it all the time and was not going
to move forward until we allowed her to let it all go. So we stopped therapy.
The therapist did warn us that she would need to return to therapy at some
point, but that taking a break was probably ok since she was doing so
wonderfully. All was pretty well til a few months ago. I mean, we had some
issues with behavior and limits and the eating problem was there as always, she
would have the occasional outburst, etc. Everyone assured us that what we were
seeing was normal and not to freak out about it, so we didn't. She asked us
right around Christmas time if she could call her birth dad. That was a very
unusual request for her, so we called her former therapist. Went in for a
session to see if she could figure it out. After talking with her, she
determined that there was probably no ulterior motive and she was just needing
closure. This is good, right? So we let her call. Well, it didn't go well at
all. Although we had called in advance and set up ground rules, he did not
stick to them and we ended up terminating the call, which on the advise of the
therapist was on speaker phone and monitored by us. He made a reference to her
returning to live with him and told her that he was workin hard so he could
hire an attorney and get her back. Although we term;d the call, it was already
said at that point. She got very upset and for days asked us continually if
that was true that he could make her come back and live with him. We assured
her that no, she was our daughter and we will be her parents forever, she will
never go live with her birth parents and we will never allow them to come to
her home or be around her. She seemed satisfied with that, but we began seeing
massive increases in behavior and emotional issues. This is why we put her back
into therapy. The new psychiatrist says she should have been given a RAD
diagnosis three years ago because all of her records indicate the need for
that. We didn't know what RAD was til he said that, never heard of it, really.
Her former therapist has mentioned something about attachment problems, but
wasn't specific and she said she hesitated to label her with that, so let's
wait and see. So here we are now. I hope I am making sense!
Yesterday at 9:58am · Like
CC: Keep in mind also that all you can do..is your best. We have
our child for 8 years and she just can't seem to get past her issues.
Christy...do your best and don't be too hard on yourself ♥
Yesterday at 10:27am · Like · 
1
1
My mouth dropped open when I read
that they let her talk to her father and all I could say was "What?"
I cant believe her counseler let her talk to her father when she is a child
with a trust disorder. That counselor destroyed years of work. We did similiar
things like that with letters.. never verbally, so I had full control over what
was being said and read. Unbelievable. I am glad you have a new counselor. No
wonder you are starting over. That is what you are dealing with now. Now she
has false hope, no matter how abusive he might have been to her, she might
somehow still want to be with him, somewhere in the back of her mind. So, now
you have to start all over! I feel so bad for you. But you can begin again. I
am doing the same thing but with a grandma, with letters, with native american
children who will eventually have to go back to thier tribe.... Just goes to
show you that counselors don't always know what is the best ... follow your own
instincts sometimes. In any case... you can do it... you just have to start all
over... begin to rebuild the trust. Thank God for the Angels that are coming to
your aide..... Hang in there Christy! We are hear to help!!
Yesterday at 10:41am · Like
CJ: I can't wholly blame the
therapist because my husband and I agreed to let her call, too. Lesson learned,
but at our little one's expense. Lotsa guilt for mom and dad on that one, I
assure you. She still asks to call one or the other of her birth parents now
and then, but now we always sit down and ask her to think about why she feels
like she wants to call them. Usually it turns out that she really just wants to
call someone, not necessarily them. She's very, very bright and extremely
articulate and able to express what she's feeling. I feel like she knows what's
going on in her head and I know she wants to feel better, I just don't know how
to help her work thru it. I know everyone else feels the same way with their
kids. Your mention of letter writing gave me an idea. I wonder if we asked her
if she'd like to write her birth mom/dad a letter and tell them why she is
angry, how the hurt her, etc. if that would help her get it out there and on
the path to moving beyond it a little? Has anyone tried that or had any success
with anything similar?
Yesterday at 10:57am · Like
Hi CJ, Diane here, (co blog author and art therapist) How old is your
daughter? I am not sure about the letter writing thing, maybe if she asks to
call, tell her to write down what she'd like to say in a letter and then burn
it or tie it to a balloon (I wrote a couple of books on art therapy and that is
something we did to rid ourselves of 'baggage') but also, if she is old enough,
maybe start her on an art-journal.. draw out her emotions in a sketch book..
sometimes can help kids who cant verballize their feelings or identify their
feelings easily. Have you heard of a Mandala? its basically drawing things in a
circle. The Mandala is a symbol for motherhood (okay, now it gets
complicated..lol) but anyway, a good activity for a control -kid. Draw a circle
and have her draw anything inside it. Scribble in it, then fill in areas.. a
good starter activity... something to do to help her express herself when she
can't otherwise.. just an idea....
PG: Bless your heart.......I
probally have said this but I talk about our daughter the most because her rad
is the most severe.....she used to write me notes all the time and at school in
her journal write how much she loved me but I knew it was all fake.......but
then there was the day that she told me she loved me and there was somthing
about it and I knew it was real......does she love me enough I don't think she
does but she does love me enough that she would be sad if she lost me......lol
one morning she got up and said last night I dreamed that you died and when I
woke up I had tears running down my face and I thought yes....she loves me
.....then after I dropped her off at school I got to thinking how did I die and
I thought did she kill me???? oh know...well thankfully I just fell over
dead...lol I am telling you these kids can heal....our 17 yr old has....yes we
still have issues but it's more like teen issues but more extreme....but I know
he's attached....lol he's threatening to do college by homeschool lol.....I am
posting this because I lose my post sometimes....lol
There are things that I wonder if
our kids will ever get over......but we do believe in the power and that has
gotten us to where we are today.....hang in there it does get better.......
oh about the drawing when Sarah used to draw pictures of our
family she was huge and we were little and they say that's because she felt
powerful now she draws us bigger....
JZ: Christy, our kids must be
identical twins, you have described my 8 year old RAD precisely. John, I'd love
any info you could give me on the introverted tantrums as that is mostly how
she copes with stress.
CJ: She turned 7 in February. I should
have been more clear about the letters! I was thinking as you
suggested...write, but don't send. Just allowing her some avenue to get it all
out, say what she wants without any fear of judgment. Perhaps suggest that she
is the only one who needs to even see them. I don't know...,I'm grasping at
straws, I guess. Even tho she is in counseling I feel like she isn't honest
even there. You can see it in her eyes and her expressions. LOL I like the art
journal idea. I think she would be very willing to do that and would actually
enjoy it. I know her former therapist used art therapy with her sometimes. Her
pictures were usually of her being chased by some kind of monster and my
husband being her rescuer or protector in some way. She rarely included me in
those types of pictures. If I was included, it was when she drew family
pictures and she always made me cooking or cleaning and even if I was stirring
a pot of food, I always had flowers in one hand. I just sent my hubby into town
to pick up a sketch pad for her and a new box of crayons. Fingers crossed!!!!
So, your husbands shopping list was
a whistle, crayons and a sketch book. LOL. funny. Interesting about the art:
Her drawing you in steriotyped ways is okay, it means she is idealizing the
woman role, the mother role, and that is okay for her right now as a child, she
is or was looking for the steriotype Mommy, and was drawing you in that role,
and Dad too, as the protector... all okay considering. If she is still drawing
pics of her being scared or running away from something, and dad is protecting
her, have dad draw with her, and ask him to draw a sword in her hand (or
whatever it is that he is using to protect her, a sword, a cloaking device, a
superpower, whatever) to help her feel more empowered and continue that with
each drawing, having Dad share his ability to protect her with her and then
eventually encourage her to draw her own ability to conquer the monster in her
drawings.
you might also want to draw pics
with her (next to her, not in her personal sketchbook, because you dont want to
invade her drawing, and take over her "control") Ask her to draw a
pic of you on Your sketch pad, then ask if you can add something to it. Add a
sword or whatever, again, whatever her monster fighter would need, a shield, or
a magic ring or something that would imply that Mom is Super Mom.... start
letting her see the woman as a more powerful and trustworthy role model.
PG: The more they start bonding the worse they get which could
explain part of the getting worse as they get older...plus I think the teen
attitudes are a lot more dramatic......
CJ: Ok, I am armed with a whistle and
even hid a spare! At great risk of sounding completely batty, I feel more in
control just knowing I have a whistle. Tomorrow we're going to discuss the
whistle and why we have it. Didn't want to bombard her with too much tonight as
we also gave her the sketch pad and crayons. She LOVES the idea, Diane! She did
two pictures tonight, one of grass, trees, flowers, butterflies.The other one
is of fish swimming in the ocean. Pretty normal stuff, I think. Should I
suggest that she draw pictures about how she feels, or just let her draw
whatever comes to mind on her own? If nothing else, the drawing really helped
keep her focused and calm. Thank you so much for your input, Diane! Patti; I
have wondered if part of this might be that she feels herself getting close, so
she intentionally throws a wrench in it. The more I read, the more confused I
get so I have stopped reading for now.
Foster
Parent Rescue : fosterparentrescue.blogspot.com I felt the same way
about the whistle. I really feel so much better just knowing I have it. It has
really reduced my own stress and burn out, and my RAD kid (the one who gets
whistled the most) just has to see it now and he pretty much quits his bad
behavior. LOVE IT.
- Diane Steinbach
I would tell her she can draw
whatever she likes, maybe some time draw with her (on your own paper mind
you... ) and tell her you are going to draw how you feel today... and approach
it like that... she may just mirror you, but that way she will understand the
idea of it, and then after a while see if she sticks with drawing on her own,
she may do it naturally when she is mad in her room (John just posted an
article on the introverted tantrum by the way). I think its good that she is
drawing the typical stuff, although again, it could just be what she sees as
typical from other kids, but it gets her used to using the materials,..after a
while see if she can do abstract stuff, (do the mandala thing) I will try to
post some instructions on the blog soon on that type of stuff. For now, just
let her do what comes naturally, but take the opportunity to follow her lead
and draw with her when you can or if she invites you to. Good bonding
opportunity.
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