by John and Diane
RAD kids or children with trust, attachment or trauma
disorders, tantrum or “go off” in two different ways. Some are extroverted:
meaning they direct their anger outwards- towards You (lucky you…) calling you
names, breaking your stuff etc, while others are introverted, meaning they try
to get away from the problem. They may still have words for you, but most of
the time they are muttered under their breath as they head towards their safe
place, usually their bedroom.
Although it may seem that this type of child is easier to
deal with, no outward explosion , they are really more difficult, because they
are hiding, both their feelings and their physical selves from you, so you
cannot work out their issues with them. They simply shut down. The harder you push on them or try to
force them to do something, the more closed off they get.
I have had a lot of success getting these type of RAD kids
to open up (with time and God’s help) by using a Fall Back approach.
When your child
is closing him or herself off in their room, I use a couple of tricks to help
bond, build trust and bring them out.
First, I stay lower than the child. That means I am on the
floor most of the time when I am trying to talk to them, but only do this if
you feel safe to do so. I may not even make eye contact when I am talking to
them. I always using a low voice
and low voice tones. I do a lot of
blaming myself for what happened using words like, “I should have known
better…. Its not your fault…” I
call this the Fall Back Technique.
Basically the Fall Back Technique is this: I am always the one who is wrong, and I
tell them why (which is sometimes comically difficult, so you better be
creative.) For example, you might say, “I should have known better, I know you
have this problem, I should never have done this or I should have stopped you
from doing that, I am sorry.” This
way you take the pressure off the child. You remain present with them in the
room and their mind begins to work and they start to open up.
Now they let you ask questions, like, “So, if this happens
again, what can I do to help you?” or “ “How come that made you so mad, I am
sorry, but what happened, tell me so I don’t do it again…”
By taking this Fall Back position you make the child feel
like they are helping YOU by expressing how they are feeling and what they were
thinking when they were having their issue. This way it doesn’t feel like you are pushing them but they
are Teaching you about who they are.
Even if they are misleading you or saying things that are not entirely
true, they are still giving you clues about how they really feel. This is all information you can use
later on when your bond is stronger and they are more ready to face their
truth. (A subject for another time.)
Don’t get confused. You are taking a lower position, but the
child will not think you are weak. Once the episode is over, you go back to
enforcing your house rules and maintaining the control over your home as you
did before. This is a gentle moment to help your RAD child open up, an embrace
of sorts that helps build the foundation for the future.
image: License
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