: The Red (or Yellow in this Case) Flag and How to Deal with It. "Pin It")
By John and Diane
I recently got a message from a parent of a RAD, ADHD
adopted child who, although having lived with the family for years, recently
began peeing in her room.
Unlike bedwetting, which is unintentional and usually done
in a sleep or semi-sleep mode, this behavior was obviously intentional as the
urine was “delivered unto” towels, items in the closet and boxes in the child’s
room.
This can be troubling behavior for foster and adoptive
parents, but it is usually dealt with when the child is first brought into the
home. Typically a red flag, this type of behavior is a classic “tell” for a child
with some kind of abused background. (Often sexual.) It can also be a reaction
to stress or part of a bigger impulse control problem. The key to figuring out
the foundation of the problem is to learn the child’s history and to deal with
the underlying problems, should there be some.
Having said that, you do have to deal with the practical
matter of urine on your floor, carpet etc.
Although the issue of approving the behavior by giving them
a pot or “approved container” to pee in was discussed with the parent that
contacted me, my feeling is this:
You are not approving the behavior by providing a place for
the child to urinate in, in their room, you are acknowledging that the behavior is happening (which is good, secret
behaviors are bad and unproductive) and by providing a solution for the
immediate problem (the ruining of your home) you are removing the frustration
and anger on your part and giving the
child some responsibility for the behavior.
The child should be given a pot to pee in (go ahead, laugh…)
AND they will be responsible for emptying it and cleaning it, as well as any
other materials or items that they may have urinated on. (The same goes for children that are
intentionally incontinent of the bowels as well. Be grateful if you only have
to deal with urine, I have had to deal with both!) This becomes part of their
chores. Of course, also talk about the need for sanitation and sanitary
handling of materials and hand washing.
Don’t put a camp toilet or other toilet-looking item in the
room, as that would encourage continued use, but a chamber pot or old cooking
pot is fine, as it takes care of the problem without retraining the child to
pee in the room forever.
This is just a temporary issue, and as you work through the
basis of the problem, this will deal with some of the collateral damage.
Meanwhile,
continue the dialog … if it is a result of abuse or stress, the child will
begin to open up to you (part of your accepting the behavior is that you are
accepting the child and building trust with him or her). The behavior should diminish as issues
are revealed and worked through.
I have had kids come in with this issue, found the basis to
be a history of sexual abuse, dealt with it, resolve the issue and then have it
reoccur years later. Usually that
tells me that the child is under a new stress or is feeling threatened by
another child in the home or at school.
That is why being aware of these red flags is vital to foster and
adoptive parents.
In this case, the behavior may be starting because the child
is feeling secure and safe in the home after living there for many years. Now
that the child’s basic needs of safety and security are met, the child may be
able to deal with deeper issues from the past; therefore new behaviors will
begin to surface.
Of course, parents should discuss the behaviors with the
child’s doctors and caseworkers.
The advice I give you comes from years of dealing with this
exact issue in my own home with kids with trust disorders, ADD, ADHD,
Development disabilities, Sexual abuse histories etc.
If you have experience with this issue and a success story
to share, please do!
Below is a link to more information about wetting behaviors
image:
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Thanks so much for this. Great information, as always!!
ReplyDeleteGlad we could offer some ideas and resources! Hoping that if anyone else has other ideas or experiences they share too!
ReplyDelete~ John and Diane FPR
I found a child rescue volunteers who are willing to help us to find our missing children. We should be thankful that they are helping us for free.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the link.
DeleteWish there were ideas on what could do this other than sexual abuse. Everyone says it's a common factor, but what about when it ISN'T?
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous, well, without hearing more about your child I would say you need to look at things like anxiety, reaction to stress or attention deficit as potential reasons. There are plenty of reasons why kids could wet the bed etc like urinary infections or other physical illnesses, but its the hiding it, and consistent usage of things like bottles or peeing in drawers that make it a psychological symptom. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Tell us more and maybe we can help.
DeleteDiane and John
FPR
I was a foster kid and between the ages of 13-16 I did this. Thinking about it now, I can't put my finger on WHY I did it- but I have reasons like above. I was abused as a child and didn't tell for along time. I was put in foster care but still had not disclosed the sexual abuse. Looking back, I can remember being scared to leave my room at night and also scared of talking about anything. I guess peeing in the closet or under my bed was about that- however, at the time I didn't think "Hey, I am going to intentionally pee in the closet. In fact, I let the family I was with at the time blame the dog- 3 times later and they knew it was me but I still denied it because I was super ashamed and embarrassed. No one really said anything to me about it and just kept transferring me... I think someone who talked about it and allowed me to be me and safe and listen- would have made an astronomical difference.
ReplyDeleteWow. Thank you SO MUCH Katie for sharing this with us. Your insight right here will help so many struggling foster parents AND kids, because you have just put into words what kids are afraid (as you were) to say. You have named so many possible factors (being afraid to leave the room the least of them) that can help foster parents deal frankly with their kids and help open up the discussion. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I am so sorry you had a difficult (understatement) childhood. I can see that already your suffering is helping children that are in the system today and foster parents who are trying to help them. I wish you the very best in your future. I can see you are a THRIVER!
DeleteThank you for speaking up. I had a "booger collection" as my mother likes to calls it- her dumb ass still laughs when she tells the story. She never caught me running dirty bowls and cups full of pee out to the kitchen sink & tbh I dont know if she realizes what the reason
DeleteWas behind all of that, but it seems it would have dawned on her, especially knowing what a huge germaphobe I was. Thank you for sharing with us, you are helping us to heal and them to recognize and protect. <3
Hi, I did this when I was a child and I just want to know why. I would pee in some kind of lidded container and hide it where i knew my parents wouldn't find it and i never had a real reason for doing this. I know this is a site about foster children but I lived at home with my parents and had no history of abuse so why did I do this?
ReplyDeleteMy 14 year old son does this...he is diagnosed with ADHD. I first noticed him urinating in his bed...so much that I had to buy three matresses. Then he started urinating in the closet...drawers...corners..instead or in addition to the bed. I think it was poop one time as well. Then I started finding pickle jars...gatorade bottles full of old stank urine. Gnats would be flying around. He has been doing this on and off since around 9 years old. At least no more urinating in bed( not that jars are normal). He does not know why he does it and says its probably because he is lazy. The restroom is right next to his bedroom.
ReplyDeleteHi Bree, Be sure to follow the recommendations above. This is not unusual for ADHD kids. Do not shame him, but make him responsible for the clean up. Open up a frank discussion with him about this, tell him it is un-hygenic and that you need to break this habit. Limit his time in his room, especially now that summer is here and school is out, lock his room door during the daytime and encourage more active physical activity. This could be a control-issue. Is he being bullied in school, does he have a confidence problem? Get him involved in sports and group activities with other kids, so he has a stronger support system amongst his age-group. It sounds like he has anxiety, or it could be a physical issue. So, 1. Rule out physical/health issues, 2. Make him responsible for his clean up, 3. Keep him out of his room during day, 4. Get him involved in Self-confidence boosting activities - sports, horseback riding, group activities etc and see if you can't end this behavior thru the summer.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI've been dealing with this with my adopted 12 year old daughter for over a year. I started off with making her clean it up and having a "non-reaction." But yesterday she peed and I lost it. I screamed my fool head off and threatened public shaming. I feel bad for the way I reacted and I'm not sure why yesterday was the breaking point but it was. I don't know what to do anymore.
ReplyDeleteIt happens. I have to assume you've already had her to the physician to rule out physical problems or infections as well as side effects from medications, and I don't know anything else about her behaviors so its hard for me to say anything helpful here to you, I'm sorry. Feel free to tell me more so I can help trouble shoot the issue with you and maybe we can come up with some new approaches for you to try. Is there a pattern to when she's doing it? Start keeping track... what are the triggers? Is she focussing on a game or task-- often a symptom that ADD is the cause. Anyway, Once you know what the cause is, we can figure out how to re-train her behavior or to remove the trigger.
DeleteMy son is not adopted, but I came upon this site while searching for information about older kids peeing their pants. My son started peeing in his pants several months ago after we moved to a new city and he started a new school. He has been seeing a psychologist, who thinks it's stress related (which makes sense). We thought he was "making progress", and hasn't done it for the last month or so, but unfortunately when I left him home alone today, he peed in his pants and hid the clothes under a bag in his closet. He also started going through puberty during the time we moved. I know it's been a transition for him, but he also has made tons of new friends and has been invited to plenty of parties, sleepovers, etc. If it's just stress, I feel like it should have subsided some by now since he does seem comfortable at school and has friends. My fear is that since it's coinciding with puberty, that it could become a sexual thing/fetish in the future.
ReplyDeleteHi C, Thanks for commenting and I'm sorry you are dealing with such difficult circumstances.
DeleteFirst of all, don't give up hope, and don't over-react to your son when you come across his clothing or evidence. He is hiding it, so he is ashamed - you need to have an open-door policy, let's say, so that he feels comfortable "coming clean" when he has an incident. Make sure when you DO find evidence that HE is the one doing the laundry and clean up, WITHOUT shame though... okay? Don't be angry, just be matter-of - fact about it. It's unclean and needs to be cleaned up.
He sounds like he is doing better, but he has faced a lot of transitions for a boy his age. It sounds like the confidence issue could be at the crux of this, but have you already crossed off ADD issues and meds?
Let's say you have: My thought - lets boost his confidence more. Take he and a friend to a rock climbing wall or some other sports-or confidence building event - give him an ongoing sport or skill that he can work on and measure his growth with and ENJOY. We want to build his confidence so that when he is alone he is strong. A dog might also help if you don't have one (an adult dog I would recommend) One he can walk and care for, but that he also feels is his buddy and protector as well.
Finally- let me put your mind at rest: I don't think these things result in a fetish unless there is some kind of sexual abuse or incident involved in its conception. This will most likely run its course. Hang in there!
Well, I don't know if this will help anyone, but -
ReplyDeleteI used to do this as an older child - not quite sure how old. Pre-teen, I think. I wasn't abused, but lived in an extremely stressful and dysfunctional situation. My mother was a drug addict and my father was extremely kind, but terribly co-dependent. He attempted to "manage" the addiction, so there were daily and nightly arguments, falls, suicide attempts and people storming out. I think I peed in the closet largely because I couldn't bear to leave my room, sometimes. There was also an element of wanting to confirm that my home felt worthless to me, as a home, I think.
Hey Chris, thanks so much for taking the time to share your special insights with everyone! I'm so sorry you had such a hard time and I hope you are happy and successful being the very special YOU now. :)
DeleteThank you Kris. That last statement was an eye opener to me.you just switched the light on for me. Bless you
DeleteKris- that last statement was an eye opener to me. You switched the light on for me, thank you so much. <3
ReplyDelete