By John and Diane.
This is the second part of our 3 part series on dealing with
kids who steal. Check out the first part : Impulsive Stealing: An ADD/ADHD Problem?
Unlike Impulsive Stealers, Kids who Thrill-Steal are usually
found to have everything they want and the money to get anything else they
might need. Their parents usually
fulfill the child’s needs and desires freely and quickly.
I met a lot of these kids when I worked at the courthouse. I
would wait with the kids and talk with their parents when they arrived to pick
them up after they worked their community service hours. (You can read more
about my own history and experience in the updated About Me page.)
Often the parents would say, “I can’t believe my boy did this!
He had the money in his pocket. He could have bought it. Why steal it?”
Good question! I made a point to try to figure it out.
I started
talking to the kids as they worked with me They would open
up to me about their lives and I found out that many times this type of child
(the thrill-stealer) had no Idea how to work.
They had nothing to do at home as far as chores and usually
no responsibilities. Dad mowed the
grass and took out the garbage, so they were bored. If you were looking in from the outside at the family you’d
see loving parents who took good care of their kids. Interestingly enough, most of the kids I dealt with were not
in school or recreational program sports.
The kids simply didn’t have much going on at home (chores or responsibilities)
and not much outside of the home either (organized sports, or social
organizations.)
I even found overly
protective parents, you know the kind, “My child could not have done this they
most have been another child who got him or her to do It. “ The bad thing was,
they would try to get the child “off” if they could. My blaming others, the parent neutralized the consequences
that the court would use to try to get the child to change and take
responsibility for his or her actions.
I saw a lot of
these kids go to jail after a while. It seems they were always coming back and I could not do
anything to stop it. I would warn Mom
or Dad and that their kid was heading to jail if they kept telling them “it’s
not my child’s fault, it’s someone else’s.”
Now the reason
why the child is stealing the first time may have been just because he or she
wanted the toy or item. But what
happened? Why is he or she still stealing? Because what you may have done, not knowing
you even did anything, was empower the child.
In the child’s eyes
they are now in control of you.
Yes, they feel empowered, even sometimes closer to you than ever before.
This will start a cycle. If you stand behind the child and
they know they are getting away with stealing, even if the court gives them consequences,
in their eyes it does not matter. As long as Mom and Dad think they are
innocent, they win.
The child might even think it was kind of fun because “My
Dad and Mom said bad things about the teacher or even the judge.” Kids eat this up. It’s like playing a fun new game. This
is how a parent neutralizes the consequences the child should be feeling from
his or her bad-actions. Never undermine other authority figures in front of
your child. If you do, they lose respect for ALL authority figures, including
the parent.
Now that’s just one way it can get started but all kids-who-steal
have this in common. The child gets something they are not getting out of
their life now. When they steal they get to feel special. Now you are spending more time with
them in the car on the way to the community work hours or to counselor or court
appointments. Remember if you
don’t spend time with your kids in a good way, you may have to spend it in the
bad ways. It’s your time they need.
Kids Who Steal for
Power or to Make Friends (Gang development)
Kids who steal for power or to make friends may use the
stealing to create a family unit.
Usually this
child has no parents around. Oh,
don’t get me wrong, they have someone living with them but they are never there
even when they are home. I am sure you have seen them if you are a foster parent.
This child may seem very nice and
they give things away all the time, stolen
things that is.
They steal things that other kids want and use them to buy
friends. This type of child is
smart. They won’t tell a kid if he
stole the thing he is gifting until the child had it for a while and he will
build on the power-role by continuing to give his new “friend” stolen items to
increase the “debt.”
Eventually the targeted child is told, feels guilty and is
afraid to tell anyone about the stolen item, therefore binding him to the
“thief.” This is similar to
predator grooming behavior.
Soon your child
will be with him when he steals and now they are locked together. This is often
how small gangs are formed.
Now, lets see all the things the child got out of stealing. He now has a friend he can trust because
they will “go down” together and he has your family to hang out with because
you see him as a well-mannered and smart boy or girl.
This child may or
may not do well in school, it can happen with both types of students.
The Red Flag
The give-away is when you meet his or her parents and you
ask them about all the nice things their son has given your son and she or he
looks at you with confusion, or they say “but YOUR son was giving things to my son’ Red Flag! So always talk to the
parents of your children.
I know foster parents are stuck here because the kids often
have made these friends before they ever got to you and you don’t want to break
up the friendships. I guess you have to go back and look at the child’s
existing friends and clean up any “bad influences.” Talk to parents of your
foster child’s friends and if you notice red flags, talk to the police
department about the “stealing friend” and get him help too.
How Do You Stop the Stealing Behavior?
1.
Spend more time with you child when he does good
things. (Positive Reinforcement of good behaviors.)
2.
Make it “suck” for him or her whenever you have
to spend time with them over something they may have done wrong. I don’t mean that you should be mean to
your child, if you are not sure if he or she has done it or not, just don’t
take them out to eat after going to see the school because they did some thing
wrong.
3. If
you know they did steal, then you make them pay for the gas in your car for
court visits and to take them to their work hours and you have to come down
hard. No cell phones, no TV for a time, grounding, anything so the child understands
that she or he can’t steal and you not going to put up with it. The Consequences have to be worse than the
“reward” for the stealing (reward being the extra attention, friends, etc.)
4.
Talk about what it does to you and how it makes
you feel when you heard they steal. Talk about your childhood, yes, Mom and Dad,
its time for you to tell what your life was like. This will bring them closer to you and make them feel part of
the family and make them proud to have your last name.
5.
My favorite thing is to say, ”What would (Their
Name) think of you at the age of 20 while he is sitting in jail? What do you think he would say to you? Something
tells me he would be a lot harder on you then I am! You don’t want to be in
jail at 20 do you?”
6.
Always make sure there are strong consequences
to the stealing behavior. Work with your local police or sheriffs dept. to take
tours of the jail if possible (scared straight style,) pile on the household
chores and limitations, double the court appointed community service hours with
your own demands for volunteer service somewhere, etc.
How to Prevent
Stealing Behavior Before it Starts
1.
Pay attention when your child does good stuff.
Celebrate the positive things he or she does and not just the negative
behavior. Keep it up too! You need to do this Constantly or they will
eventually seek the negative attention.
2.
Get kids (and yourself) involved in sports
programs after and in school. You need to be at games to support the team “good”
behaviors and the build on the good experiences with the other children.
3.
Make a point to talk to your kids about the good
things they did each day. Mealtimes are Very important in my opinion, and
after school conversations help to give them the attention they need. Give your kid the time they need and the
positive attention so they can thrive on positive reinforcement and not
negative attention.
4.
Know your child’s friends and their
parents. If you feel like the
parents are “shady,” chances are the child’s friend may be as well.
STAY TUNED FOR:
STEALING TO GET EVEN: REVENGE STEALING
image: Flickr
Great post, very informative.
ReplyDeleteThanks Mitzy... Thanks for stopping by
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