Importance of House Rules/Chore Lists for kids with Trust Disorders and RAD

by John and Diane
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Having and posting house rules in any home with children is useful, but in a foster home or in a home with RAD kids or children with Trust Disorders it is especially important.

House rules and written chore lists provide a feeling of safety and security to enhance a loving and trusting environment vital to RAD and TD kids.They, especially, need to prepare themselves for each day and enjoy a routine they can count on so that they can feel safe and secure.

Develop your house rules with the natural flow of the day and the household in mind. Start with the morning activities and grooming and end with bedtime. Include interactions with others in the house, and pet care.

The presence of the house rules and chore lists allows and insures equal justice for all the kids in the house. Everyone in the house is aware of the rules and can point out other kids breaking the rules or inconsistencies in the rules to the caregiver. RAD and TD kids always feel like they are being cheated and this allows them to feel like have recourse in the house.

When a foster child first the enters the house, you go over the rules with them and make sure they understand them. Rules are posted in the home, and each child is given a copy. Kids are asked to sign a copy of the rules and an agreement with the parent that the parent can search the child’s room (amongst other things to be discussed in later posts) and enforce the rules.

There is also a disciplinary chart and a reward chart. Again, giving the RAD and TD child a clear understanding of what to expect, therefore helping to build a sense of situational security and safety. (We will discuss these charts later as well.)

House rules may be adjusted to the child’s abilities to follow the rules (for example, ability to clean his or her room.) It must be explained that the house rules are not there as a punishment but as a way to help everyone get along in the house and to create harmony. It is not wrong or being “mean” to say to someone in the house “I am sorry honey, but you broke the house rule and you have to be punished because it is not fair to the other people in the house that you didn’t follow the rules.”

Never refer to the house rules in an angry fashion, but in a sincere, “teaching moment” fashion. This way the child doesn’t resent the presence of the house rules, but sees them as a guide to live peacefully with others as part of a family.

Follow up on the discussion of the breaking of the house rules with the Love and Logic or 123 Magic systems, but begin the initial discussion of the breaking of the house rules in this calm manner.

The other benefit of the House Rules is that they extend to friends of the children. When a friend visits, they, too, are instructed of the rules, and thereby feel safe in the home, and have a clear understanding of what behavior is expected of them, and others in the house.

Always have as the last thing on the House Rules list, “ Rules can be Modified by (your name)” as undoubtedly you will need to modify them, and one of your kids (a future lawyer) will tell you that you can’t unless you have this on the sheet. Be prepared to defend this stance.

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Here are our house rules you can use as an example:

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CHORES

Morning:

Make your bed

Clean your bedroom

Get dressed

Turn off your Lights and night light

Eat breakfast

Brush your teeth.

Make sure you have everything you need for school or work before you leave the house.

Go to school/go play

Afternoon:

Do homework

Put your clean clothes away and bring back your basket to the laundry room. Dump your dirty clothes in the laundry room on laundry day.

Do chores that are asked of you

Take a bath or shower before bedtime when told.

Clean your bedroom.

Brush your teeth

Go to bed and be quiet and turn off your lights you may have a nightlight.

John will check your bedroom each day they must be as neat as possible based on your age and abilities will check all bedrooms.

HOUSE RULES

Do not steal

Do not lie

Do not swear

Do not fight

Do not back talk to adults

Do not enter other people’s bedrooms without permission from John.

Always knock on the bathroom door before entering, wash hand after using, flush toilet, and put toilet seat down.

Always pick up your toys or anything you were using and put them back.

Always ask before taking food. Pop/ juices/milk can only be drank at mealtime. All other times. water is available for you to drink.

Do not eat in your bedroom or any other room other then the kitchen and dining room area with out permission from John. Always put your dishes away.

No cell phone or computers in the bedroom after bedtime.

John can modify any of these rules at any time.

flickr: License Some rights reserved by DrGBB

Tough Love: Fostering Young Kids with Attachment Disorders and Dysfunctional Parents

I know, of course, children who have signs of attachment disorders must have dysfunctional or non-functional parents right? Probably true, but kids are not always kept from their natural parents once entered into the foster care system. In my experience, neglected children who enter the system sometimes end up going back to the family members who put them in the bad situation in the first place.

Of course, the hope is that the parents are trained and educated between the time we take in the children, but as a Foster Dad I always feel a sense of urgency when I get a young child with an attachment disorder that is going back to his parents.

Children develop their foundations (trust, safety, security, love) between the ages of 0-5, and even the very most neglected and under-developed (mentally, socially, etc) kids with the beginnings of attachment disorders can make great headway if treated intensely early on.

For example, a 5-year-old child came into foster care with minimal verbal skills, in diapers and with a diagnosis of attachment disorder or autism. His parents were expected to get him back after retraining in spite of his regressed behavior and skills. Although he was not where he should be verbally and socially, he was independent in other ways (feeding himself, structuring his time by watching TV) and spoiled (didn’t respond well to having his established routine changed.)

Although I didn’t have this child in my care, I have had children like him and I have found that with intense, 24-7 care, and treating the child like you would an infant, the child can begin to attach and learn the social and verbal skills he has missed, in a short period of time. You must lovingly taking away the independence he had established and provide the dependence and nurturing an infant would normally experience.

This means limiting his independence, setting boundaries and rules that would limit his independence and bring him back to a point where he would be tended to as if he were an infant.

This approach, of course, requires a full time foster parent, just like a full time mother or father would care for a newborn, and the toughest part of all, restricting the biological parents from visitations for 6 months while the attachment and foundations can form between the foster parent and the child.

Hopefully, with this kind of approach and all the constant attention, talking to, and love a parent would give a newborn, a regressed child like this will gain skills and perhaps avoid the challenges children with attachment disorders suffer from throughout their lives. Prayer, of course, can’t hurt either.

image: Some rights reserved by Dawn Ashley flickr.com

Taking Control of Tantrums: Tips for Working with ADD, RAD and "Average" Kids

Tantrums are something all parents have to deal with, whether they are your own bio. kids, or foster or adopted children. Kids with behavioral or psychological issues of course add an additional complexity to dealing with anger issues, and require some sensitivity, however, at the very core of a tantrum, the approach is the same.

We have talked quite a bit about tantrum behavior here on Foster Parent Rescue, but some of our newest readers may not have stumbled upon those articles in our archives.  I wanted to mention them now, as we approach summer-break from school, since the kids will be home more and behaviors may initially worsen from boredom or a change in their routine. (Something we will discuss next week again as well.)

For right now though, let me refresh your memories and point our new readers to some previously posted advice on controlling tantrums.  Please check out these links on our blog:
Blowing the Whistle on Arguing: 

Great Conversations: On RAD Kids and Introverted Tantrums: Trying the Whistle Technique

Tantrums and Trust Disorders: Doorways to Better Relationships

Dealing with the Introverted RAD Kid: Introverted Tantrums and the Fall Back Technique

Avoiding Temper Tantrums in Asperger (and other) Kids: A Link

 We also wanted to add this recent article from PsychCentral.com about dealing with tantrums and ADD kids (which is appropriate for all kids really.) Check it out:

ADHD & Kids: 9 Tips to Tame Tantrums

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

In kids with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), impulsivity manifests in many different ways.
“Kids can impulsively run into the street. They can hit another student in line at school. They can climb up on the roof and jump off, hoping to fly like Superman,” said Terry Matlen, ACSW, a psychotherapist and author of Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD.
And they can have tantrums. There are many reasons why kids with ADHD have meltdowns. For instance, “for many children with ADHD there is no internal understanding of ‘later.’ It’s now or now,” Matlen said. They have a hard time putting their wants and needs on hold. Because they’re kids, they’ve also yet to learn how to calm themselves or express their needs and emotions appropriately, she said.
“A little disappointment becomes the end of the world and nothing seems to stop the child from, what looks like, obsessing over their intense needs of that moment.”
They also might feel overwhelmed by external events, such as “too much noise or excitement at a party… Combined, these symptoms make it very hard to stay calm when under stress or when they feel fearful or anxious.”
When your child has a tantrum, especially in public, it can be tough to know how to respond. Some parents vacillate from one extreme to another, from placating their child and giving in to punishing them and getting angry, according to Matlen.
But while it might seem impossible, you can navigate the rocky road of tantrums. Here are expert strategies to prevent tantrums or tame them when they start.
1. Pinpoint the source.
Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, suggested looking “at what might be triggering your child’s behaviors.” When you can find the source of the behavior, she said, you can make strides toward changing it.
Knowing what triggers your child, Matlen said, can help you defuse their tantrum as early as possible. For instance, is your child hungry? Are they sleep-deprived? Are they experiencing strong emotions? Once you pinpoint the underlying problem try to solve it, she said.
This also is a good tool for preventing tantrums. For instance, if your child can’t handle the overstimulating environment of a local fair, just don’t take them, Matlen said.
2. Explain consequences in advance.
Before a tantrum ever starts, Matlen suggested talking to your child about the negative consequences of bad behaviors. She gave this example: “If you scream and cry when I turn off the TV, you won’t be able to watch it later today.”
Matlen took this approach when her daughter was 5 years old. She tended to have tantrums when she didn’t get a new toy at the store. “Before our next outing, I told her that if she had a tantrum, I would simply pick her up and take her home. No toys and no more visits to the store for a very long time.”
Her daughter still had a meltdown. But instead of getting furious or frustrated, Matlen picked up her daughter and took her to the car. She drove home without saying a word. And it never happened again.
“This, of course, may not work for all children, but it’s an example of planning ahead and having an outcome that everyone understands.”
3. Talk to your child, and encourage them to talk back.
Talk calmly and quietly to your child, and acknowledge their feelings, Matlen said. Doing so helps your child feel heard, Sarkis said.
For instance, according to Matlen, you might say, “I know you’re angry that I won’t buy you that toy today. It feels frustrating and it makes you feel like exploding inside, doesn’t it?”
Then, encourage your child to express their emotions, as well: “I’d be awfully upset too if I couldn’t get what I wanted right now — let’s talk about why this is so important to you so you can help me to understand.”
4. Distract your child.
For younger kids, distraction may work, Matlen said. “Talk about something completely different, like how excited you are to watch the TV show you planned, when you all get home.”

Read the rest here :  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/adhd-kids-9-tips-to-tame-tantrums/