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Saturday, April 28, 2012
RAD and Horse Therapy: A link to YouTube News Story
Hi Friends,
Just stumbled upon this older news story about a RAD child in Utah.. You can see some of the information is already kind of out of date, but the story is interesting in any case, and I just thought you'd find it interesting. In any case, the use of animals in therapeutic ways is always widely agreed upon with supervision, as we all discussed before.
Hi there! Not sure where to post this question. I have checked out the facebook page but prefer not to post anything there because of privacy ... some extended biologicals of our girls are "friends." Here is the question - any ideas to break the RAD cycle of behavior? We are foster-adopt parents of 2 preschool girls. They have come a long way since coming to live with us - many behaviors corrected and worked on. Our oldest, current 5, is definitely "Rad"ish. Not sure she would fit the clinical diagnosis of RAD because she is definitely well attached to us, but we deal with RAD behavior from time to time. No fire, peeing on the floor, destruction of property or cruelty to animals, but definitely controlling behavior, manipulation, and sassiness/disrespect. What seems to trigger this behavior is when I, "mommy", leave the house and the girls are home with daddy. He is a wonderful man, consistent, and they love him. I'm sure me leaving triggers this behavior because they were removed from bio mom at one year old ... fill in the typical foster child story ... not placed with us until 3 1/2. Any ideas on ways to break this cycle?
First, thanks for writing and I appreciate you taking the time to contact us. I will have to look to see if there isnt a way to set up a "message me" private way to communicate in the future... Regarding your question...
Is Dad a working Dad? You need to "Make a Hole" for Dad, let Dad take over some of the Maintenence of the child. He has to be inserted. As Mommy, you have to show that you totally Trust Daddy, (so, you cant fight with Hubby in front of children) and be very loving and caring in front of children (mind you, i dont know what your relationship is, so I am just throwing this out there). If Dad doesnt already, he should take over some of the caregiving routines the girls look to you for, like getting them breakfast, or dinner, or putting them to bed. Does that make sense to you? Write back and let me know if these might be new things for you to try, or if you are already doing these things, then we can go from there.... John, FPR via Diane (web co author)
Thanks for the reply - Yes, daddy does work outside the home more than I do. We never fight in front of the children and have a relatively conflict-free marriage. Our biggest source of conflict is the "correct" way to load the dishwasher. As far as the maintenence, he does do some of those things ... such as put the girls to bed, help them with pjs ... read stories ... we don't have a specific schedule, but we frequently alternate day to day. He makes breakfast on the weekend (he leaves too early during the workweek) and plays with them every day when he gets home from work. They yell and jump up and down when daddy gets home from work. We have worked through alot of RAD behavior so far ... it just seems that me leaving the house is a trigger for RAD behavior ... I really think it is more related to our daughter's past than Dad not being involved in her life. It might be worth mentioning that there never was a dad before - her bio dad is unknown - so much of the caretaking in her life has been done by female figures. I appreciate any thoughts you might have. Thanks!
Ok, so it sounds like he is doing all the fun things, so it sounds like you are doing good so far. If she doesnt have any learning difficulities, I would suggest using Love and Logic for Dad to use for discipline with them.. its a gentle system and perfect if he is doing "nice" things for them that he can list when they are misbehaving. Or use 123 magic is they have learning disabilities (which is more rigid). Mom should be using the same program so its consistent, of course.
123 Magic is easier to use if your kids are just acting out and misbehaving when you leave- to control the behavior (or use the Whistle blowing technique) whether the kids are mildly learning disabled or not. It will stop the behavior pretty effectively. its quicker too, within a day or two, its in your "system" and working. Use the House rules and stuff too if your kids are able to understand that.
If the kids are "Daddy's Girls" and they know that they can control him, he needs to take that control back and be the one to introduce the new rules and systems and be firm. I give you "kudos" for recognizing this RAD cycle! You are doing great. Please read through some of the other blog postings on House Rules and Whistle Blowing to see if some of these things will help you. Let me know how it goes Please! John ~ FPR via Diane (co author)
Hi there! Not sure where to post this question. I have checked out the facebook page but prefer not to post anything there because of privacy ... some extended biologicals of our girls are "friends." Here is the question - any ideas to break the RAD cycle of behavior? We are foster-adopt parents of 2 preschool girls. They have come a long way since coming to live with us - many behaviors corrected and worked on. Our oldest, current 5, is definitely "Rad"ish. Not sure she would fit the clinical diagnosis of RAD because she is definitely well attached to us, but we deal with RAD behavior from time to time. No fire, peeing on the floor, destruction of property or cruelty to animals, but definitely controlling behavior, manipulation, and sassiness/disrespect. What seems to trigger this behavior is when I, "mommy", leave the house and the girls are home with daddy. He is a wonderful man, consistent, and they love him. I'm sure me leaving triggers this behavior because they were removed from bio mom at one year old ... fill in the typical foster child story ... not placed with us until 3 1/2. Any ideas on ways to break this cycle?
ReplyDeleteFirst, thanks for writing and I appreciate you taking the time to contact us. I will have to look to see if there isnt a way to set up a "message me" private way to communicate in the future...
ReplyDeleteRegarding your question...
Is Dad a working Dad? You need to "Make a Hole" for Dad, let Dad take over some of the Maintenence of the child. He has to be inserted. As Mommy, you have to show that you totally Trust Daddy, (so, you cant fight with Hubby in front of children) and be very loving and caring in front of children (mind you, i dont know what your relationship is, so I am just throwing this out there). If Dad doesnt already, he should take over some of the caregiving routines the girls look to you for, like getting them breakfast, or dinner, or putting them to bed. Does that make sense to you? Write back and let me know if these might be new things for you to try, or if you are already doing these things, then we can go from there....
John, FPR
via Diane (web co author)
Thanks for the reply - Yes, daddy does work outside the home more than I do. We never fight in front of the children and have a relatively conflict-free marriage. Our biggest source of conflict is the "correct" way to load the dishwasher. As far as the maintenence, he does do some of those things ... such as put the girls to bed, help them with pjs ... read stories ... we don't have a specific schedule, but we frequently alternate day to day. He makes breakfast on the weekend (he leaves too early during the workweek) and plays with them every day when he gets home from work. They yell and jump up and down when daddy gets home from work. We have worked through alot of RAD behavior so far ... it just seems that me leaving the house is a trigger for RAD behavior ... I really think it is more related to our daughter's past than Dad not being involved in her life. It might be worth mentioning that there never was a dad before - her bio dad is unknown - so much of the caretaking in her life has been done by female figures. I appreciate any thoughts you might have. Thanks!
DeleteOk, so it sounds like he is doing all the fun things, so it sounds like you are doing good so far. If she doesnt have any learning difficulities, I would suggest using Love and Logic for Dad to use for discipline with them.. its a gentle system and perfect if he is doing "nice" things for them that he can list when they are misbehaving.
ReplyDeleteOr use 123 magic is they have learning disabilities (which is more rigid). Mom should be using the same program so its consistent, of course.
123 Magic is easier to use if your kids are just acting out and misbehaving when you leave- to control the behavior (or use the Whistle blowing technique) whether the kids are mildly learning disabled or not. It will stop the behavior pretty effectively. its quicker too, within a day or two, its in your "system" and working. Use the House rules and stuff too if your kids are able to understand that.
If the kids are "Daddy's Girls" and they know that they can control him, he needs to take that control back and be the one to introduce the new rules and systems and be firm.
I give you "kudos" for recognizing this RAD cycle! You are doing great. Please read through some of the other blog postings on House Rules and Whistle Blowing to see if some of these things will help you.
Let me know how it goes Please!
John ~ FPR
via Diane (co author)
Hey Anony:
ReplyDeleteJust wondering how things are going??
John and Diane