This is the fourth and final
part in a series about the hard process of letting a foster child move onto
another placement when you are not making progress in his care. In my case, I had to decide that a
foster child I had been working with for over 3 years, who had an attachment
disorder, had been sexually abused and physically tormented and abused, had
learning difficulties due to fetal alcohol syndrome, ADD, and violent outburst
was getting too old, (now 16) and too big for me to deal with. Although I had
brought him from being a nearly feral condition to being able to be in school
and usually under my control, he was beginning to fight me on basic rules and
was becoming a negative influence on the other foster kids in the house.
The other posts (Knowing
When To Let Go: When Giving Up is Giving a New Chance, Part 2: Getting the Child Ready and Losses and Gains) went through the decision making
process of me getting to the point of letting the child go, telling the rest of
the family, and
dealing with my own feelings about the situation. In this post I wanted do a final reflection on the dynamics
in the home and how they have changed.
Sometimes when we are in the
midst of a situation it is hard to see how things are affecting the many
aspects of lives in the house, now, seeing how things are changing, and
improving, I hope that my reflections might give others courage to try their
hardest for the kids they love, and let go when need be for the kids they can
still help.
Hindsight is 20/20 A Look Back to Help Others
So, Bobby has been gone now for a month or
so, and although we still interact with him via phone calls and his sibling,
who is still in my care, has had visits with him, I am able to see things more
clearly and to take one final look at what having a particularly destructive
force in my home did to both me and my other foster kids.
Although here the situation was a bit rare perhaps, in that I
am a single Foster dad, Bobby has a sibling here, and many of my kids had
complex behavioral and emotional issues including attachment disorders and
sexual abuse histories, I know I do share a common theme with a lot of foster
parents out there. We get into foster care to help hurt kids, and admitting
failure is very, very hard.
So, with that, I just wanted to summarize my
experience, knowing many of you can commiserate, or that perhaps it will
inspire some, or be a learning tool for others.
Let’s get to it: I look back and think about
Bobby and how he related to the others
in the home:
1. Yelling:
a. He
would yell at the other boys, call them names or swear at them or me.
2. Physical Assaults:
a. He
was physical with the other boys in the home and even with me at times. He would have good days or even weeks,
but then he would blow up and would hit or would “accidentally” hit his foster
brothers. It would often occur
during game play or when he wasn’t getting his way.
3. Controlling:
a. He
was the oldest in the home so he would try to control the other boys. He wanted
to determine what they could watch on TV or games they play.
b. Now
he could use this power for good to, if he wanted, to make me happy with him. He
could get everyone to work hard. They would clean the house or the yard and
pile firewood, so he could be as good as he could be bad. That is the thing
about RAD children they are smart and most of the time they will work hard at
whatever they set their mind to.
4. Sibling
Manipulation:
a. One
of the boys in the home was his real brother and his brother would take most of
the abuse from him. He was much younger and did not want his brother to leave
the foster home. Most of the time
he did not even want to tell me about some of the hurtful things Bobby would do
to him and he would try to deal with his older brother by himself-which meant
he would get hurt.
5. Poor
Role Model
a. Bobby’s
bedroom was always the dirtiest room in the home. Bobby would give me a hard time when I would talk to him
about his room or his sloppy work. I could get him to do a better job by using “carrots”
or punishment, but this would take a lot of my time away from the other kids.
6. Instigate
Chaos:
a. He
would try to push the buttons of the other foster children in the home to get
them to fight with him or to get them in trouble, so he could get his way. I always had to be watching him for this
reason.
7. Breaking
the house rules:
a. Now he did not do this all the time, but
in our house, rules have “carrots” or perks tied to them, so he always wanted
to get those extras. If he would
break the rule and was going to lose money or privileges, he would throw a
tantrum.
8. Stealing:
a. He
could go weeks without stealing, but then he could start up any time, so I
always had to be watching for this to try to stop it as soon as possible. I
talk about why this is important in other blogs posts on stealing.
9. Lying:
a. He
was a good liar and would use this to get his way. Thank God I have cameras. This
is something I had to watch closely so I could try to stop it. I talk about
lying in other blog posts.
Now we have cover what it was
like to have him in the home… what was
it like when he left?
1. Fighting
Lessened:
a. First
thing I noticed was the fighting between the other boys was a lot less and the
two boys left in the home could work things out without me stepping in.
2. Mornings
routines went smoothly:
a. Getting
the boys off to school was a lot easier and they were able to get things done
that were hard for them to do before.
Getting their chores done before school went much more smoothly without
numerous reminders and fighting.
3. Socialization
Increased
a. The
other boys could have friends over without having to make sure Bobby was not
fighting with them or trying to take his younger brother’s friends away. This
allowed the other boys to work on their friendships.
4. Failure
as an Example:
a. The
other boys learned why Bobby had to go, and this helped them to understand what
they had to change in their life, to make it better. Now I took a lot of time explaining
to the kids how Bobby gave me no choice but to let him go and how they could
make changes in their lives so they wouldn’t have to leave or so they could get
back to their own homes.
5. Smaller
Problems Noticed:
a. I
had more time to work with the other boys on their schooling and their social problems. Bobby could be so bad that I was
letting lots of the little thing go and the other kids were getting away with
small things. Always remember the
little things grow to be big things, so try to deal with them when they are
still small.
6. More
Family Time:
a. I
was back in control and we as a family were able to do more things like roller-skating
and movies, walks in the woods and shopping trips without problems.
7. I was the Role Model:
a. The
children in the home learned better cleaning habits and followed the house
rules better. They wanted me to be
happier with them and share my smile with them more often.
8. Stress
for everyone decreased:
a. The
stress of the family was gone. His younger brother was doing better in school. The stress on me was a lot more than I
thought it was, so I am happier to and have more patience with the other
children.
Well I will say this seems to be
the best thing to happen to us here. We are all doing so much better and so is
Bobby. He is finally getting help that I could
not give him and better special educational opportunities.
Ultimately his future is his to
make.
We all continue to pray for Bobby
and hope that God heals him and never lets him forgets the love that wrapped
its arms around him here at our home.
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