Being Good Through Competition: Pigs Trough Syndrome

by John and Diane.

I have this theory I refer to as the Pigs Trough Syndrome (no offense to pigs or kids out there.) The theory is based on this: A farmer can’t raise just one pig, because it would starve to death. One pig will not eat; it needs another pig at the trough to compete with for food, in order to stimulate its appetite, and inspire it to eat and thrive. I have noticed similar behavior among some of my past foster kid’s with attachment disorders.

I had one child who loved to clean the house and do chores to please me and make me happy. He would receive praise for these activities, and would do these things without being asked. The other child (who had an attachment disorder) would never normally initiate doing routine chores without prompting and would usually not complete his normal assigned chores on his assigned day without continual prompts and encouragement. Even then, his cleaning or assignments were done quickly and without care.

Once the child who enjoyed cleaning came into the house, the other boy observed the positive feedback he received, and began cleaning and performing the same tasks to compete with the other kid for attention and kudos. The competition for attention and praise compelled him to behave in a desired manner where monetary rewards, activity rewards or other routine household allowances or reward programs failed.

If the other child weren't around to do the activities, the inspiration to perform the tasks would be missing. Without the competition, and the feeling that one child could “win” the affection or praise over the other foster child; the normal lazy approach to chores would continue.

Unfortunately, in my experience, the good behavior inspired through competition does not become a habit for kids with attachment disorder, once the competition is gone. That is the problem with attachment disorders, the child doesn't’ really seek the affection or praise of the foster parent, so that is not the reward… in this case, the reward is winning a competition or beating out another child.

This behavior could be monitored. However, over time to see if it does continue without competition. This might be one way to determine if an attachment has formed between a child with an attachment disorder and his foster or adoptive parents.

photo http://www.flickr.com/photos/emeryjl/888931891/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Importance of House Rules/Chore Lists for kids with Trust Disorders and RAD

by John and Diane
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Having and posting house rules in any home with children is useful, but in a foster home or in a home with RAD kids or children with Trust Disorders it is especially important.

House rules and written chore lists provide a feeling of safety and security to enhance a loving and trusting environment vital to RAD and TD kids.They, especially, need to prepare themselves for each day and enjoy a routine they can count on so that they can feel safe and secure.

Develop your house rules with the natural flow of the day and the household in mind. Start with the morning activities and grooming and end with bedtime. Include interactions with others in the house, and pet care.

The presence of the house rules and chore lists allows and insures equal justice for all the kids in the house. Everyone in the house is aware of the rules and can point out other kids breaking the rules or inconsistencies in the rules to the caregiver. RAD and TD kids always feel like they are being cheated and this allows them to feel like have recourse in the house.

When a foster child first the enters the house, you go over the rules with them and make sure they understand them. Rules are posted in the home, and each child is given a copy. Kids are asked to sign a copy of the rules and an agreement with the parent that the parent can search the child’s room (amongst other things to be discussed in later posts) and enforce the rules.

There is also a disciplinary chart and a reward chart. Again, giving the RAD and TD child a clear understanding of what to expect, therefore helping to build a sense of situational security and safety. (We will discuss these charts later as well.)

House rules may be adjusted to the child’s abilities to follow the rules (for example, ability to clean his or her room.) It must be explained that the house rules are not there as a punishment but as a way to help everyone get along in the house and to create harmony. It is not wrong or being “mean” to say to someone in the house “I am sorry honey, but you broke the house rule and you have to be punished because it is not fair to the other people in the house that you didn’t follow the rules.”

Never refer to the house rules in an angry fashion, but in a sincere, “teaching moment” fashion. This way the child doesn’t resent the presence of the house rules, but sees them as a guide to live peacefully with others as part of a family.

Follow up on the discussion of the breaking of the house rules with the Love and Logic or 123 Magic systems, but begin the initial discussion of the breaking of the house rules in this calm manner.

The other benefit of the House Rules is that they extend to friends of the children. When a friend visits, they, too, are instructed of the rules, and thereby feel safe in the home, and have a clear understanding of what behavior is expected of them, and others in the house.

Always have as the last thing on the House Rules list, “ Rules can be Modified by (your name)” as undoubtedly you will need to modify them, and one of your kids (a future lawyer) will tell you that you can’t unless you have this on the sheet. Be prepared to defend this stance.

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Here are our house rules you can use as an example:

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CHORES

Morning:

Make your bed

Clean your bedroom

Get dressed

Turn off your Lights and night light

Eat breakfast

Brush your teeth.

Make sure you have everything you need for school or work before you leave the house.

Go to school/go play

Afternoon:

Do homework

Put your clean clothes away and bring back your basket to the laundry room. Dump your dirty clothes in the laundry room on laundry day.

Do chores that are asked of you

Take a bath or shower before bedtime when told.

Clean your bedroom.

Brush your teeth

Go to bed and be quiet and turn off your lights you may have a nightlight.

John will check your bedroom each day they must be as neat as possible based on your age and abilities will check all bedrooms.

HOUSE RULES

Do not steal

Do not lie

Do not swear

Do not fight

Do not back talk to adults

Do not enter other people’s bedrooms without permission from John.

Always knock on the bathroom door before entering, wash hand after using, flush toilet, and put toilet seat down.

Always pick up your toys or anything you were using and put them back.

Always ask before taking food. Pop/ juices/milk can only be drank at mealtime. All other times. water is available for you to drink.

Do not eat in your bedroom or any other room other then the kitchen and dining room area with out permission from John. Always put your dishes away.

No cell phone or computers in the bedroom after bedtime.

John can modify any of these rules at any time.

flickr: License Some rights reserved by DrGBB

Tough Love: Fostering Young Kids with Attachment Disorders and Dysfunctional Parents

I know, of course, children who have signs of attachment disorders must have dysfunctional or non-functional parents right? Probably true, but kids are not always kept from their natural parents once entered into the foster care system. In my experience, neglected children who enter the system sometimes end up going back to the family members who put them in the bad situation in the first place.

Of course, the hope is that the parents are trained and educated between the time we take in the children, but as a Foster Dad I always feel a sense of urgency when I get a young child with an attachment disorder that is going back to his parents.

Children develop their foundations (trust, safety, security, love) between the ages of 0-5, and even the very most neglected and under-developed (mentally, socially, etc) kids with the beginnings of attachment disorders can make great headway if treated intensely early on.

For example, a 5-year-old child came into foster care with minimal verbal skills, in diapers and with a diagnosis of attachment disorder or autism. His parents were expected to get him back after retraining in spite of his regressed behavior and skills. Although he was not where he should be verbally and socially, he was independent in other ways (feeding himself, structuring his time by watching TV) and spoiled (didn’t respond well to having his established routine changed.)

Although I didn’t have this child in my care, I have had children like him and I have found that with intense, 24-7 care, and treating the child like you would an infant, the child can begin to attach and learn the social and verbal skills he has missed, in a short period of time. You must lovingly taking away the independence he had established and provide the dependence and nurturing an infant would normally experience.

This means limiting his independence, setting boundaries and rules that would limit his independence and bring him back to a point where he would be tended to as if he were an infant.

This approach, of course, requires a full time foster parent, just like a full time mother or father would care for a newborn, and the toughest part of all, restricting the biological parents from visitations for 6 months while the attachment and foundations can form between the foster parent and the child.

Hopefully, with this kind of approach and all the constant attention, talking to, and love a parent would give a newborn, a regressed child like this will gain skills and perhaps avoid the challenges children with attachment disorders suffer from throughout their lives. Prayer, of course, can’t hurt either.

image: Some rights reserved by Dawn Ashley flickr.com

Taking Control of Tantrums: Tips for Working with ADD, RAD and "Average" Kids

Tantrums are something all parents have to deal with, whether they are your own bio. kids, or foster or adopted children. Kids with behavioral or psychological issues of course add an additional complexity to dealing with anger issues, and require some sensitivity, however, at the very core of a tantrum, the approach is the same.

We have talked quite a bit about tantrum behavior here on Foster Parent Rescue, but some of our newest readers may not have stumbled upon those articles in our archives.  I wanted to mention them now, as we approach summer-break from school, since the kids will be home more and behaviors may initially worsen from boredom or a change in their routine. (Something we will discuss next week again as well.)

For right now though, let me refresh your memories and point our new readers to some previously posted advice on controlling tantrums.  Please check out these links on our blog:
Blowing the Whistle on Arguing: 

Great Conversations: On RAD Kids and Introverted Tantrums: Trying the Whistle Technique

Tantrums and Trust Disorders: Doorways to Better Relationships

Dealing with the Introverted RAD Kid: Introverted Tantrums and the Fall Back Technique

Avoiding Temper Tantrums in Asperger (and other) Kids: A Link

 We also wanted to add this recent article from PsychCentral.com about dealing with tantrums and ADD kids (which is appropriate for all kids really.) Check it out:

ADHD & Kids: 9 Tips to Tame Tantrums

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.

In kids with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), impulsivity manifests in many different ways.
“Kids can impulsively run into the street. They can hit another student in line at school. They can climb up on the roof and jump off, hoping to fly like Superman,” said Terry Matlen, ACSW, a psychotherapist and author of Survival Tips for Women with AD/HD.
And they can have tantrums. There are many reasons why kids with ADHD have meltdowns. For instance, “for many children with ADHD there is no internal understanding of ‘later.’ It’s now or now,” Matlen said. They have a hard time putting their wants and needs on hold. Because they’re kids, they’ve also yet to learn how to calm themselves or express their needs and emotions appropriately, she said.
“A little disappointment becomes the end of the world and nothing seems to stop the child from, what looks like, obsessing over their intense needs of that moment.”
They also might feel overwhelmed by external events, such as “too much noise or excitement at a party… Combined, these symptoms make it very hard to stay calm when under stress or when they feel fearful or anxious.”
When your child has a tantrum, especially in public, it can be tough to know how to respond. Some parents vacillate from one extreme to another, from placating their child and giving in to punishing them and getting angry, according to Matlen.
But while it might seem impossible, you can navigate the rocky road of tantrums. Here are expert strategies to prevent tantrums or tame them when they start.
1. Pinpoint the source.
Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D, suggested looking “at what might be triggering your child’s behaviors.” When you can find the source of the behavior, she said, you can make strides toward changing it.
Knowing what triggers your child, Matlen said, can help you defuse their tantrum as early as possible. For instance, is your child hungry? Are they sleep-deprived? Are they experiencing strong emotions? Once you pinpoint the underlying problem try to solve it, she said.
This also is a good tool for preventing tantrums. For instance, if your child can’t handle the overstimulating environment of a local fair, just don’t take them, Matlen said.
2. Explain consequences in advance.
Before a tantrum ever starts, Matlen suggested talking to your child about the negative consequences of bad behaviors. She gave this example: “If you scream and cry when I turn off the TV, you won’t be able to watch it later today.”
Matlen took this approach when her daughter was 5 years old. She tended to have tantrums when she didn’t get a new toy at the store. “Before our next outing, I told her that if she had a tantrum, I would simply pick her up and take her home. No toys and no more visits to the store for a very long time.”
Her daughter still had a meltdown. But instead of getting furious or frustrated, Matlen picked up her daughter and took her to the car. She drove home without saying a word. And it never happened again.
“This, of course, may not work for all children, but it’s an example of planning ahead and having an outcome that everyone understands.”
3. Talk to your child, and encourage them to talk back.
Talk calmly and quietly to your child, and acknowledge their feelings, Matlen said. Doing so helps your child feel heard, Sarkis said.
For instance, according to Matlen, you might say, “I know you’re angry that I won’t buy you that toy today. It feels frustrating and it makes you feel like exploding inside, doesn’t it?”
Then, encourage your child to express their emotions, as well: “I’d be awfully upset too if I couldn’t get what I wanted right now — let’s talk about why this is so important to you so you can help me to understand.”
4. Distract your child.
For younger kids, distraction may work, Matlen said. “Talk about something completely different, like how excited you are to watch the TV show you planned, when you all get home.”

Read the rest here :  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2013/adhd-kids-9-tips-to-tame-tantrums/

Dealing with the Introverted RAD Kid: Introverted Tantrums and the Fall Back Technique

by John and Diane

RAD kids or children with trust, attachment or trauma disorders, tantrum or “go off” in two different ways. Some are extroverted: meaning they direct their anger outwards- towards You (lucky you…) calling you names, breaking your stuff etc, while others are introverted, meaning they try to get away from the problem. They may still have words for you, but most of the time they are muttered under their breath as they head towards their safe place, usually their bedroom.

Although it may seem that this type of child is easier to deal with, no outward explosion , they are really more difficult, because they are hiding, both their feelings and their physical selves from you, so you cannot work out their issues with them. They simply shut down.  The harder you push on them or try to force them to do something, the more closed off they get.

I have had a lot of success getting these type of RAD kids to open up (with time and God’s help) by using a Fall Back approach.

 When your child is closing him or herself off in their room, I use a couple of tricks to help bond, build trust and bring them out.

First, I stay lower than the child. That means I am on the floor most of the time when I am trying to talk to them, but only do this if you feel safe to do so. I may not even make eye contact when I am talking to them. I  always using a low voice and low voice tones.  I do a lot of blaming myself for what happened using words like, “I should have known better…. Its not your fault…”  I call this the Fall Back Technique.

Basically the Fall Back Technique is this:  I am always the one who is wrong, and I tell them why (which is sometimes comically difficult, so you better be creative.) For example, you might say, “I should have known better, I know you have this problem, I should never have done this or I should have stopped you from doing that, I am sorry.”  This way you take the pressure off the child. You remain present with them in the room and their mind begins to work and they start to open up. 

Now they let you ask questions, like, “So, if this happens again, what can I do to help you?” or “ “How come that made you so mad, I am sorry, but what happened, tell me so I don’t do it again…”

By taking this Fall Back position you make the child feel like they are helping YOU by expressing how they are feeling and what they were thinking when they were having their issue.  This way it doesn’t feel like you are pushing them but they are Teaching you about who they are.  Even if they are misleading you or saying things that are not entirely true, they are still giving you clues about how they really feel.  This is all information you can use later on when your bond is stronger and they are more ready to face their truth. (A subject for another time.) 

Don’t get confused. You are taking a lower position, but the child will not think you are weak. Once the episode is over, you go back to enforcing your house rules and maintaining the control over your home as you did before. This is a gentle moment to help your RAD child open up, an embrace of sorts that helps build the foundation for the future. 

image:  License

Some rights reserved by libertygrace0

Lying Yourself Sick? How You Can Help Your Foster Kids Stay Healthy

by John and Diane. 

Shifting eyes is a sign that someone is lying.

A recent article in US News and World Report talks about a study done at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana about the connection between lying and health.

The study found that adults tell an average of 11 lies a week, about 1 or 2 a day and that all these little white lies can add up to minor health issues like headaches, sore throats, sadness and stress.

Over time, it is theorized, that the cumulative effects could include heart issues, high blood pressure, stomach or digestive disorders and muscular tension.

In the study, they asked participants to stop lying during the designated time period, and found that health complaints decreased, supporting the hypothesis that by telling the truth, your health, as well as your relationships will improve.

What does this mean for foster kids who lie?

Well, once you get to know your foster or adopted children over a period of time, you can usually tell when they are lying. “Tells” like looking away, shifting eyes, mumbling words, crossing the arms in front of the body, or nodding the head to contradict speech  (so, if the child is saying yes, but nodding no) can all mean the child is lying, in which case you can attempt to correct the behavior and cut off the stress of perpetrating and continuing the lie.

If your child starts exhibiting symptoms such as an upset stomach, stress, avoidance behavior such as not wanting to go to school (if it’s a behavior that is out of the ordinary for the child), tearfulness, peeing in his or her room or closet, change in appetite or other physical reaction to stress, this may be a signal to you to communicate with the child to determine if the child is hiding a secret or protecting a lie. Once the root of the problem is discovered, you can point to the physical symptoms the child has suffered from and remind them that the suffering was needless if they had been truthful.

RAD Kids or Kids with Attachment Disorders 

However, some children are more focused and savvy, and are able to tell a lie without showing a guilty conscience. Children with a reactive detachment disorder or significant psychological disorders are able to lie effectively without any feelings of guilt or remorse.

These children, common sense would tell us, would not feel any physical symptoms from telling lies, but more likely may feel stress and other physical ailments when the lies are confronted and their manipulative and lying behavior is exposed. 

Overtime, if exposure is continuous and if the behavior and attachment disorder does not improve, the child may experience effects.  Once the child reaches adulthood however, lies and deception are easier to maintain and the stress level may decrease as the person begins to live independently.

Need help with kids who lie? You can refer to our posts for help in addressing lying behavior with your foster kids. Check out:  White Lies or Story Embellishment: Is there a Difference to a Child Who Lies? and    Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire: The Three Kinds of Liars and How to Stop Them

Resources:  

http://health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/08/20/how-lying-affects-your-health

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702303592404577363833634477636.html

image: Flickr: License

Some rights reserved by nofrills 

FosterCare Month/ Foster Parent Rescue BirdHouse Challenge! May 1 - 30 2014

Hi Friends!
In honor of Foster Care Month, we here at Foster Parent Rescue wanted to do something fun, and therapeutic, for our foster families and kids this year... a Birdhouse Challenge.

Here's How it Works:
1.  Build from scratch or pick up an inexpensive plain (unpainted) wood birdhouse from your local craft store. They are generally under $5.00.  One Birdhouse per child. All Ages.
2.  Work with your foster, adopted or troubled kid to decorate the house any way they'd like.  Talk to them about how they'd like the house to look. Talk to them about how the house is going to welcome a bird family and give them shelter.  How would they want to make the birds feel welcome?
If they have a hard time getting started, ask them to think about some of their favorite things and to bring those things to the birdhouse to decorate it... They can use their favorite colors, they can glue on their old- favorite action figures, glue on fake flowers, paint on a scene or do whatever they'd like.

The most important part of this project is the discussion that takes place during the painting... You can open up a very interesting conversation about what a "home" is, what makes a home, and find out what type of things your child might need to feel welcome.  This is ESPECIALLY useful with new kids coming into your home, so refer back to this project all season long when a new kid comes in.. use it anytime to help bond and begin a conversation about providing shelter, and what a "home" is all about....

3. Once the birdhouse is decorated, take a digital photo of the birdhouse and send it to me here or post it to me on our Facebook page.  Be sure to include the child's First Name and City, State or Country. (No pics of the kids please.  Sorry, we'd love to see them, but it's a privacy thing.)

Please send your birdhouse pictures to us here by May 30th.

In June, we are going to gather all the photos together and put them into a collage we will post on all of our sites.. Facebook, the Blog and our Google Plus Page.  We would also love for you to share your stories about the experience with us.  If you had any great conversations, what the kids thought about the experience etc.

And, of course, don't forget to hang your birdhouse outside for new birds to come and move in.

We hope you'll participate and spread the word.  It will be a fun project for you and your kids, and can open up meaningful conversations if you spend the time to consider the true meaning of building a home... big or small.

We are trying to wrangle up some cool gifts for participants (randomly picked) but at this time have no promises for you... BUT, its still FUN... and we can all share in the photos...

We can't wait to see them.
JOIN US!