by John and Diane
Taking a respite, well deserved, as we all know it would be,
is next too impossible when you have a RAD foster or adopted child. Not only is
it hard to find some angel on earth to take your RAD child, someone who will
put up with all the stuff your RAD kid will do, but getting your trust
disorder-ed kid to accept a respite without them losing it or freaking out and
making the time before they leave a living hell for you … well, it all seems
next to impossible.
This is how I did it. (With God’s help, of course…)
My foster son who has been diagnosed with attachment
disorder (or RAD) amongst other things is a teenager, but learning disabled
so, much younger mentally and maturity-wise. Two weeks before my planned respite, (oh, and believe me… I
had been planning it for a loooooong time…) whenever he’d break the house rules I would say to
him…” see, this is why I need a respite.” They have been “in the system” long
enough that all my foster kids understand the word “respite” means “break,” or
“vacation away.”
I know how much my kids love to use my words against me, so
it didn’t take long before I heard those words come from his lips. “Dad my brother has made me so mad that
I pushed him! He is getting too me
so much I Need a Respite!”
Now, with a slight smile on my face I ask, “So you need
respite hey? Why?”
He went on to explain what happened with his brother and why
he needed to take a break from him—a respite. I told him I understood, but he would still lose his dollar
for breaking the house rules, and that I would see about a respite for him.
(hee hee.)
I was able to
do this type of thing with him a number of times.
Respite for me
was 2 weeks away when his counselor asked me when I was going to tell him. “Not yet” I said, “it will be his
idea if it works out the way I want it to.”
She said she would be happy to work with him on it and to go
to the home with him and get him ready.
I said, “No thanks he knows the people where he will be
going already and I will do it the weekend before he goes if I have to, that
way I only have to deal with him for 2 days if he decides to throw a fit.”
I was hoping
that he would ask for respite one more time before that day would come and then
it happened, like a gift from God!
The kids got in to a fight and I went down to
intervene. First I found out how
it started and then I would deal with the outcome and all the house rules that
they broke that started the fight the first place.
By the time I was done hearing all about what he did and why
he did it, the magic words passed through his lips…
“ I Need Respite from this
family!”
I tried not to smile.
Now that was more then I could have ask for from God so I
thanked him under my breath and asked, “What did you say?”
He repeated it.
“I need respite from you Dad and every one in this family!”
I asked, “Why? Because I want you to follow the house rules
like everyone else?
He replied, “Yes those are your rules! I don’t need to listen
to you and your dumb rules!”
“O.K.,” I said, “Maybe you’re right, and you do need respite. You said that a number of times to me
before and you know I always listen to you and try to help you. (I couldn’t
help myself; I had to add that on! Ha) so I called the last time you said you
needed it and I think I have some one who may take you.”
I told him their names (another Foster family) I added, “ I
didn’t know that is what you wanted though…”
He said stubbornly, “Good! I can’t wait!” He was so happy he got his way he told
everyone how he was getting respite away from us because life with us was too
hard on him.
Overall, the experience had its ups and downs, and I will
write more about that later. It was a good opportunity to test out his
attachment to me and his brother, who is also in my home.
I learned a lot from the experience, both in how to get the
respite I needed (by making it HIS idea) and on how to test out the attachment
of a RAD kid. Most of all I
just wanted to share with you all that getting a break, a respite, from your
RAD kid IS possible… in spite of the odds against you… so DO IT! J
(just make it your kid’s idea!)
image: License
Letting the RAD child believe that he controlled the situation and got to get the respite he wanted may not be the best idea. He has once again "won" and controlled your family - and you just validated him. We have a RAD foster child, his brother who is not RAD, and a biological child who is not RAD. It has definitely been a learning experience. Love them all equally and show it often, but you must make sure the RAD child views the mother as the boss or he will eat you for lunch.
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