The ADHD and RAD Kid Winter Break Planner

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By John and Diane.

Although your kids are only off a week or so for winter break, and the holiday hustle and bustle have helped you get through (or maybe you have just survived it?) the first part, but now you have a few more high-energy days to deal with. 

With this in mind we thought we would just reiterate a few points from our The ADHD and RAD KidSummer Planner: or "Why I Didn't Lose My Mind While My Kid's were onSummer Vacation"  post to help you deal with the rest of the week off and keep your ADHD,  RAD and all your kids on track to go back to school.

Once you get past all the excitement of the Christmas parties and family gatherings, the remainder of the kid’s time off should be both fun and structured.  Remember, just like with the longer summer break, the key to a successful WINTER break with minimal tantrums, episodes, blow outs, running –aways, fits, fights and other miscellaneous catastrophes is sticking to a schedule. 

Let them have free-fun for a few days, but at least 3 or 4 days before school starts, begin to reel them in and get them back into the school –day schedule.  Start getting them up and to bed at normal school day times and add more chores and structured activities to their days.  Even if it's playtime…assigning it a time and place helps ADHD and RAD kids feel secure and safe with boundaries for their day. 

Remember, ADD/ADHD and RAD kids need structure to feel safe and control anxiety (as do all kids really,) so when you give them boundaries and schedules, you help them feel safe and reduce the source of tantrum-inducing anxiety and frustration.

So, a typical day on winter break may look like this:

7am Get up, brush teeth, and make bed

7:30 breakfast time

8-9 morning chores

9:30 -11 Playtime

11:30 Put away toys

12 Lunch

1-2 Outside walk with Mom or Dad

2-4 Play time No TV

4-5 Help Mom and Dad get ready for dinner

Etcetera, etcetera.  Get the idea? Don't forget to include doctor appointments and counseling sessions you may have scheduled during break.

Have the schedule written up and posted on the refrigerator so the kids can see it and know what to expect and when.  Just like with the other "House Rules" and "Chores list" etc.  Let the kids know the schedule can change if Mom or Dad says so… just to cover emergencies, but a basic schedule will help keep kids centered and in their school day routine.  

Good luck and enjoy your extra family time. 

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FPR Q&A Holiday Edition: How Do I Talk to My RAD Kids About Santa?

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By John and Diane.

Talking to your kids about Santa is tricky but how do you deal with it when you already are dealing with children with trust disorders and to whom lying is a real setback?

 Kids with attachment disorders or RAD will most likely already be distrustful of the Santa "mythology" and may see your embracing of the story for younger children in the home as a betrayal or indicator that you are untrustworthy or a liar in all circumstances.  How do you handle this delicate situation while maintaining the Christmas spirit?  One reader asked and this is how we've handled it successfully in the past.  Read on....

Q: How do you talk to kids with trust issues about Santa Claus?

A: The Foster kids I have had in the past have come to me usually not believing in Santa already.   They have been let down so many times in the past, at Christmas time and all year round, that they have grown up past their physical age and are too cynical for the belief in things like Santa Claus.

When it comes up in my household, like, if I have younger kids in the home, I ask them not to ruin it for the younger children and ask them to help me “be Santa.”  I let them help pick out the special toys or gifts the younger kids get from Santa, wrap them and while doing so they learn about the joy of giving and being part of making that special memory for the younger kids.  I tell them “Santa Claus is alive…in all of us.” 

I might also talk about how we are working in the “spirit of Santa,” or “In the spirit of St. Nicholas” just as we work in the spirit of Jesus.  I would tell them the story of St. Nick and the history of it to help build some new memories for them about the holiday and Santa icon.

If a child approaches me and says, “Santa isn’t real is he?” I simply say, “The spirit of St. Nick exists” and let it go at that…

Here’s more information on telling kids about Santa from Science Daily:

Parents Should Let Kids' Beliefs About Santa Develop Naturally, Expert Says

Dec. 11, 2012 — When it comes to Santa Claus, a Kansas State University expert says let children believe in the jolly old elf as long as they want

ared Durtschi, an assistant professor in Kansas State University's marriage and family therapy program, says there is no particular age when a child should stop believing in Santa, and that children will often come to realize the truth gradually as they grow older.

"I don't think it's necessary for parents to decide upon a time to tell their children there is no Santa," Durtschi said. "As children develop, the magical thinking that is so common in kids, which allows them to so readily accept all the details of Santa Claus, will give way and they will soon figure it out on their own."

Durtschi said that by telling the truth about Santa before a child has figured it out on his or her own, parents might unintentionally lessen the excitement of the Christmas season for their children.

"Christmas tends to be more fun for those kids who believe in Santa compared to those who do not," he said. "It may be unnecessary to spoil the excitement for the child until they outgrow the belief."

Read more here:  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases

And, here is a link to the story of St. Nick http://www.stnicholascenter.org/pages/who-is-st-nicholas/

Merry Christmas Everyone and May God Bless You All

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Talking to Your Foster and Adoptive Kids about Tragedy

 UPDATE:  It is with a very heavy heart that we are re-running this blog post and links due to the Newtown Tragedy. I guess there will always be another crisis and unspeakable crime committed in this world for our children to deal with... but we continue to pray and have faith that the love you give your foster, adopted and biological children will give them the sense of security and safety they need to go out into the world each day and know they can make it better.  We pray for strength for all of us, and especially for our friends in Newton.

Hi Friends,

I just wanted to take a moment to share some resources on how to talk to your kids about tragic events in the world. If your kids have been seeing news reports about the Colorado Movie theater shooting, they may have some questions and be feeling anxiety. The fact that it happened at a movie many of our kids want to see, may make it especially "close" feeling to them, making kids with trust disorders or other traumatic pasts feel unsure, insecure and uneasy, without maybe even being able to say why.
Here are two resources that dealt with talking to your Foster or Adoptive kids about tragic events (most written around Sept. 11th.)

Be mindful if you notice increased anxiety in your RAD kids, that it may be due to seeing news accounts of this shooting event. New behaviors like bed-wetting or becoming more withdrawn are some red flags to watch for.

Try to limit their exposure to the news reports and discuss the event as suggested below. Discuss the event with your child's counselors and caseworkers as well so that they, too, may open up a discussion if need be. 

We hope you find it helpful.

TALKING TO CHILDREN ABOUT TRAGEDIES  by Michele Borba, Ed.D. 
  
Talking with Adopted Children about Tragedy

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Can TV Test A RAD Kids Attachment?

by John and Diane.

Figuring out if your RAD kid is developing an attachment to you, or to anyone can be difficult. At times it may seem like they are making friends, bonding with siblings or foster brothers and sisters and showing empathy for caregivers, at other times it seems like they could walk away from it all without a care.  It makes it hard for a foster parent to gauge whether or not any of the hard work, the unconditional love and dedication you have given is making a dent in the complex condition that is attachment disorders.

I have noticed however that there does seem to be an indicator.  I was watching a television show with a few of my foster kids once, two of which had attachment disorders. We'll call them Sue and Mark.  The show featured a theme about friendship and sacrifice, where a man had sacrificed his life for his friends, and the friends had tried to save this man, and had also perished in the effort.  It was a heartwrenching show about friendship that brought me to tears.

Mark, a pre-teen boy I had been working with for over 5 years with RAD was also moved to tears. Sue, who was also RAD, was not.

I discussed this difference in passing to my co-author Diane, who is a therapist. We discussed the fact that I wasnt sure about Mark's ability to attach and although he seemed to be attached to me, his caregiver and Father for all purposes, he also seemed to be able to walk away from me and consider being adopted by another family pretty easily.

He had recently begun making friends and joined some sports teams, and was beginning to understand what it meant to be a friend and to have friends.  We began to wonder if that is why he was able to relate to the show and was moved to tears. He was making attachments in real life and that was proven in his reaction to the shows themes.

Sue, on the other hand, had recently experienced bullying in school, continued to have difficulty making friends and her ability to trust in her therapists, counselors and caretakers was at an all time low.  Although she was doing better and was beginning to show empathy and caring towards me, her main caregiver and towards pets, her ability and understanding of friendships was not really developed. We theorized that her lack of an emotional reaction to the show was a measurement of her inability to understand the meaning of friendship on an emotional level and that it proved that she had not experienced that level of attachement as yet.

I have seen this over and over again, thinking back on it now, and I wonder if, those of  us with RAD kids, could use this somehow to get a handle on where are kids are at in their attachment development.  We all wonder from time to time if they are progressing and it can be hard to tell.  If watching what might normally bring a child of a particular age to an emotional state (Charlottes Web, for example) and you get no emotional reaction, could it be an indicator of continued lack of attachment?

What do you think? Share your thoughts with us.

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FPR Holiday Survival Guide: Foster Kids with Bio Parents: Gift Giving and Winter Break

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by John and Diane. 

It is almost more complicated than the lyrics to the 12 days of Christmas.

How do you make sure that all your foster kids get an equal amount of presents?

Some foster kids have biological parents in the picture that will give them gifts, some bio parents wont. Some foster kids don’t have parents, some get a lot of gifts from organizations…how, at the end of the day, can you try to keep it all even so that none of the kids are sad and upset on Christmas morning?

I have been a foster Dad for a long time, and I think I have gone through every variable of this problem. Here are some of the things you can do ahead of time to be ready for anything.

Talk to the Foster Child’s Parents:

· Always talk to the child’s parents to see what they are planning to do for Christmas on gifts and where the child is going to wake up Christmas morning.

· Try not to make them feel uncomfortable.  Sometimes money is a problem, so if you can help I encourage you to always try to.  This helps you get along with the child’s parents, builds trust with them and should help in reuniting the child with them later, if that is the plan.

The Back Up Plan

Now let’s say you did all that, and even after you have talked to the child’s parents they didn’t come through with the gifts they said they were going to pick up. This is why I have a backup plan.

· Always keep some extra gifts hidden away just in case you have to even-up the gifts under the tree. If you don’t, thank God that everything went the way you planned and now you have Birthday presents!

Winter Break Plans

The last thing you have to remember is Winter Break plans.

Where is the child going to be after Christmas for the winter break? Remember school will be out for about 10 days to 14 are there trips you might want to go on.  Do his or her parents have trips or over-night visits planned?  

So get together and be ready to ask a lot of questions of the other parents and have answers for them about what you’re going to do.  This will go a long way towards you having a great holiday with your foster child instead of one full of chaos and last minute crisis’.

Beside the first gift God gave to man, I know, you all think I’m going to say women, right? Sorry, but the first Christmas gift given to man was Christ’s’ presences and I think that is why we say “Christmas presents” to remind us every time whose Birthday it really is.

He came in the world like a child, so remember, you never know who you may be caring for in your home as a foster child…

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FPR Holiday Guide: Introducing Your RAD Kids to Charity

There is no better time to talk about charity, sharing and giving then Christmastime and these concepts, though easy for most of us to grasp can be challenging to understand for kids with RAD and other attachment disorders. Participation in charity work is not a fix for a lack of empathy, but if the child is young enough and introduced to charity work and the people that work in these field, there is a good chance that he or she will mirror the behaviors of giving, sharing and caring about those around them, and eventually those feelings will become real.

For any child, participation in charity work is a benifit and helps build character and a sense of community.  Check out the article below for ideas on where your kids can participate.
NOTE:  You should volunteer along with your Kids with behavior issues.

Kid-Friendly Charities to Encourage Your Children to Give

by Bethany Sanders (Subscribe to Bethany Sanders's posts)
Jan 7th 2009 8:00AM

1Comments

Filed under: Work Life

When we started giving my 5-year-old daughter an allowance a few months back, we gave her three choices. She could take her five $1 bills and either put them into her piggy bank to save, a special jar to give away, or in her little princess purse to spend.

She mulled over those first five bills for quite a while. Then (making me both proud and a more than a little sheepish) she put $2 in the save can, $2 in her bank, and a dollar in her purse. She's continued dividing her allowance this way every week since.

Now granted, she doesn't need much spending money. But still, giving 40% of your income to charity? I think that deserves a pat on the back.

She's saved up enough money that we're now looking into ways to share it with others, and I thought I'd share what we've found with you.

• An obvious choice for kids, giving to Toys for Tots means they get to linger in the toy aisle and feel good about giving. We told our daughter that we'd match her donation, so she was able to donate a toy at Christmas and still have money left for giving in January.
• As a mom of daughters, this one's a personal favorite of mine. According to The Girl Effect, a woman will invest 90% of her income back into her family. They work to invest in girls of developing countries so that those girls will in turn invest in their communities.
• Not only is donating to Kiva a great way to support small business owners in developing countries, it's also an early lesson in economics. Kids (and their parents) can lend money to entrepreneurs, then watch as business succeed and their loans are paid back.
• Are you raising a little athlete? Hoops for Hope reaches out to children in Zimbabwe and South Africa through sports, encouraging them to work toward leadership and change.
• Take your kids over to Kids Caring 4 Kids to meet Kendall, a teen who has raised over $700,000 in the last four years, and let the inspiration roll. Not only does Kendall raise money for kids in Africa affected by AIDS, but she's also trying to build her own "army of activists" by encouraging other kids to get involved.

read more:  http://www.parentdish.com/2009/01/07/kid-friendly-charities-to-encourage-your-children-to-give/

Foster Parent Questions: How Do You Talk to Teachers about RAD?

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by John and Diane.

The following is a question sent to us by a foster parent.

Q:  How do you explain to teachers about RAD, and get them to understand as they do not want to "label a child.”

The first thing that jumped out at me about your question is that you mentioned the teacher “does not believe in labels.”   This will make it hard, because you have to wonder why she “doesn’t believe in them?”

Sometimes teachers might feel that labels are being thrown on children too often, like ADD or ADHD for example. Teachers may experience kids they have been told are ADD as well-behaved in class (because of the structure and rules, which ADD kids respond well too) so they think they are normal. When parents complain about the ADD symptoms to the teachers, teachers dismiss the diagnosis, and therefore may generalize their dismissal of all behavioral diagnosis.

So, the trick to talking to a teacher who doesn’t like “labels”  about your RAD child,to get her to understand and be able to work effectively with his behaviors, is not to use the term “RAD” when talking with the teacher. Discuss your child in term of his behaviors, not his diagnosis.

So, think of it this way:

What is a *RAD child and how do they get what they want or need?

· He or she does not feel safe or they can’t trust anyone

· They need to control everything

· They insist on getting everything they want and will fight, yell,  and may steal or lie to get it. (Note: we are not saying that all RAD kids steal…)

WHAT TO DO

So, basically, you have a child with anger and control issues. Talk to the teacher and tell him or her that your child has anger issues and tell them what your child’s triggers are. (Read some of our other RAD articles about triggers) so that they can be prepared. Anger issues are something schools are used to hearing about and dealing with, while attachment disorders are still relatively new for them and complex… hard for everyone to deal with.

Remember, teachers are overworked and have heard every story out there. Chances are, when you are talking to them, they may not always be listening. Make it easier on them by speaking in a language the teacher can relate to, by discussing your child in terms of his behavior and in corrective actions that work.

Good luck with this and remember, prayer always gets me started and through my meetings with teachers, so ask God to guide you and I am sure you’ll do great!

* RAD: Reactive Attachment Disorder 

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Focusing the ADD Brain: Interrupt Homework for Exercise

by John and Diane.

I have noticed over the years that when I work on homework with my ADD/ADHD foster kids they get sleepy, unfocused, shut down, space out and just plain look at me with a blank expression on their faces as if the math we did the day before was now Greek. I am sure those of you with kids with this attention deficit and impulse disorder know what I am talking about.

I had also noticed, that if I got their adrenaline going, (mostly by yelling in their general direction to wake up) they suddenly could remember their lessons.  After discussing this phenomenon with my cohorts, we decided to try having the kids jump on the trampoline at regular intervals during homework time when they started tuning out. After a few minutes they could return to the homework more focused and with a renewed memory of past lessons. Basically, they woke up and did better.

Well, the Journal of Pediatrics agrees with my findings (how about that! lol) and has also found that exercise helps refocus kids with ADHD kids.

Check out the article below.

Exercise Boosts Academic Performance for Kids with ADHD

S.C. Stringfellow

First Posted: Oct 17, 2012 10:49 AM EDT

The benefits of staying physically active range from decreasing body weight, aiding with smoking cessation and and increasing cognitive performance. Focusing on this last feature, researchers have been able to determine that the mental health of all people can be improved by exercise, including those affected by disorders.
According to new findings published in the Journal of Pediatrics, kids with ADHD can better drown out distraction and focus on tasks with a single bout of exercise.

Kindergartners are often treated to a five minute exercise routine in the beginning of every school day. This helps children remain focused and alert, who may be otherwise distracted by sleepiness.
However, this practice becomes more scarce as children reach adolescents.

Providing children diagnosed with ADD, autism and especially children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder with an opportunity to exercise before the start of class or during the school day can help regain and retain their attention.

"This [study] provides some very early evidence that exercise might be a tool in our non-pharmaceutical treatment of ADHD," said Matthew Pontifex, MSU assistant professor of kinesiology, who led the study. "Maybe our first course of action that we would recommend to developmental psychologists would be to increase children's physical activity."

In an experiment, researchers asked 40 children, half of whom had ADHD, between the ages of 8 and 10 to spend 20 minutes either walking on a treadmill or reading while seated. The children were then given a brief reading comprehension and math exam in the standardized test format.

In a separate experiment, the children were then exposed to visual stimuli while completing a computer game where student had to quickly determine which direction a cartoon fish was swimming.

According to the study, " the results showed all of the children performed better on both tests after exercising. In the computer game, those with ADHD also were better able to slow down after making an error to avoid repeat mistakes -- a particular challenge for those with the disorder."

Read more at http://www.counselheal.com/articles/3126/20121017/exercise-boosts-academic-performance-kids-adhd.htm#O811qIVe9wZbWb4l.99


  (Photo : Flickr/gamercize) GZ Sports Tricking kids into getting fitter with video gaming.

Knowing When to Let Go: Part 4: Hindsight is 20/20

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This is the fourth and final part in a series about the hard process of letting a foster child move onto another placement when you are not making progress in his care.  In my case, I had to decide that a foster child I had been working with for over 3 years, who had an attachment disorder, had been sexually abused and physically tormented and abused, had learning difficulties due to fetal alcohol syndrome, ADD, and violent outburst was getting too old, (now 16) and too big for me to deal with. Although I had brought him from being a nearly feral condition to being able to be in school and usually under my control, he was beginning to fight me on basic rules and was becoming a negative influence on the other foster kids in the house. 

The other posts (Knowing When To Let Go: When Giving Up is Giving a New Chance,   Part 2: Getting the Child Ready and Losses and Gains) went through the decision making process of me getting to the point of letting the child go, telling the rest of the family, and dealing with my own feelings about the situation.  In this post I wanted do a final reflection on the dynamics in the home and how they have changed.

Sometimes when we are in the midst of a situation it is hard to see how things are affecting the many aspects of lives in the house, now, seeing how things are changing, and improving, I hope that my reflections might give others courage to try their hardest for the kids they love, and let go when need be for the kids they can still help.

Hindsight is 20/20 A Look Back to Help Others

So, Bobby has been gone now for a month or so, and although we still interact with him via phone calls and his sibling, who is still in my care, has had visits with him, I am able to see things more clearly and to take one final look at what having a particularly destructive force in my home did to both me and my other foster kids.

 Although here the situation was a bit rare perhaps, in that I am a single Foster dad, Bobby has a sibling here, and many of my kids had complex behavioral and emotional issues including attachment disorders and sexual abuse histories, I know I do share a common theme with a lot of foster parents out there. We get into foster care to help hurt kids, and admitting failure is very, very hard.

So, with that, I just wanted to summarize my experience, knowing many of you can commiserate, or that perhaps it will inspire some, or be a learning tool for others.

Let’s get to it: I look back and think about Bobby and how he related to the others in the home:

1.     Yelling:

a.     He would yell at the other boys, call them names or swear at them or me.

2.      Physical Assaults: 

a.     He was physical with the other boys in the home and even with me at times.  He would have good days or even weeks, but then he would blow up and would hit or would “accidentally” hit his foster brothers.  It would often occur during game play or when he wasn’t getting his way.

3.     Controlling:

a.     He was the oldest in the home so he would try to control the other boys. He wanted to determine what they could watch on TV or games they play.  

b.     Now he could use this power for good to, if he wanted, to make me happy with him. He could get everyone to work hard. They would clean the house or the yard and pile firewood, so he could be as good as he could be bad. That is the thing about RAD children they are smart and most of the time they will work hard at whatever they set their mind to.

4.     Sibling Manipulation:

a.     One of the boys in the home was his real brother and his brother would take most of the abuse from him. He was much younger and did not want his brother to leave the foster home.  Most of the time he did not even want to tell me about some of the hurtful things Bobby would do to him and he would try to deal with his older brother by himself-which meant he would get hurt. 

5.     Poor Role Model

a.     Bobby’s bedroom was always the dirtiest room in the home.  Bobby would give me a hard time when I would talk to him about his room or his sloppy work. I could get him to do a better job by using “carrots” or punishment, but this would take a lot of my time away from the other kids.

6.     Instigate Chaos:

a.     He would try to push the buttons of the other foster children in the home to get them to fight with him or to get them in trouble, so he could get his way.  I always had to be watching him for this reason.

7.     Breaking the house rules:

a.      Now he did not do this all the time, but in our house, rules have “carrots” or perks tied to them, so he always wanted to get those extras.  If he would break the rule and was going to lose money or privileges, he would throw a tantrum.

8.     Stealing:

a.     He could go weeks without stealing, but then he could start up any time, so I always had to be watching for this to try to stop it as soon as possible. I talk about why this is important in other blogs posts on stealing.

9.     Lying:

a.     He was a good liar and would use this to get his way. Thank God I have cameras. This is something I had to watch closely so I could try to stop it. I talk about lying in other blog posts.

Now we have cover what it was like to have him in the home… what was it like when he left?

1.     Fighting Lessened:

a.     First thing I noticed was the fighting between the other boys was a lot less and the two boys left in the home could work things out without me stepping in.

2.     Mornings routines went smoothly:

a.     Getting the boys off to school was a lot easier and they were able to get things done that were hard for them to do before.  Getting their chores done before school went much more smoothly without numerous reminders and fighting.

3.     Socialization Increased

a.     The other boys could have friends over without having to make sure Bobby was not fighting with them or trying to take his younger brother’s friends away. This allowed the other boys to work on their friendships. 

4.     Failure as an Example:

a.     The other boys learned why Bobby had to go, and this helped them to understand what they had to change in their life, to make it better. Now I took a lot of time explaining to the kids how Bobby gave me no choice but to let him go and how they could make changes in their lives so they wouldn’t have to leave or so they could get back to their own homes.

5.     Smaller Problems Noticed:

a.     I had more time to work with the other boys on their schooling and their social problems.   Bobby could be so bad that I was letting lots of the little thing go and the other kids were getting away with small things.  Always remember the little things grow to be big things, so try to deal with them when they are still small.

6.     More Family Time:

a.     I was back in control and we as a family were able to do more things like roller-skating and movies, walks in the woods and shopping trips without problems.

7.      I was the Role Model:

a.     The children in the home learned better cleaning habits and followed the house rules better.  They wanted me to be happier with them and share my smile with them more often.

8.     Stress for everyone decreased:

a.     The stress of the family was gone. His younger brother was doing better in school.  The stress on me was a lot more than I thought it was, so I am happier to and have more patience with the other children.  

Well I will say this seems to be the best thing to happen to us here. We are all doing so much better and so is Bobby.    He is finally getting help that I could not give him and better special educational opportunities.

Ultimately his future is his to make.  

We all continue to pray for Bobby and hope that God heals him and never lets him forgets the love that wrapped its arms around him here at our home. 

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