Monday, March 12, 2012

Why Kids that Hug Everyone Trust No One

I was reminded recently about the contradiction (one of many) that trust disordered kids present. Many kids with detachment disorders and trust issue present themselves as overly affectionate. Like stray puppies almost, they will run up to you and hug you, hug complete strangers, and seek out affection. Those who don’t understand the disorder don’t really understand how this child might be troubled when they seem so loving and charming.

Some people think its sweet, that they are seeking out love and affection, but really, they can do this because they don’t trust people, they don’t really know what love is, but what they Do understand, even at very, very young ages, is manipulation.

Children as young as 4 and 5 can see that giving hugs makes people happy, and that by showing affection, they can then get what they want, like that extra cookie, or allowance. They use the show of affection without guilt because they are not “attached” and therefore, the affection itself means nothing to them.

They are some of the most challenging and frustrating kids to deal with in foster-care because you want so badly to help them, so that they can lead a healthy and normal life. A life with real love in it. Luckily, love can always be given, even if it can’t always be received.

Image: AttributionNo Derivative Works Some rights reserved by RunningTractor


  1. It's nice to see another man out here in the blogging world! My wife and I live in China and foster three children and are raising three of our own as well. Have a great day John! -Matt

  2. Hi Matt, Nice to meet you! Thanks for reading and be sure to check out the next one on whistle blowing techniques. Raising kids in China huh? Sounds interesting! I will link up your blog here if you like, and please add our link to yours as well!
    Have a great day
    _ John,
    (via Diane- blog diva)

  3. Amen! Amen! Amen! This is what I have been trying to tell my friends and family for YEARS!

    1. Yep, everyone falls for it for a while at least!

  4. Luckily, love can always be given, even if it can’t always be received.

    While did I need to hear that. We are really struggling with our 9 yr old foster son (with us for last 2 years) as he has so many attachment/oppositional etc... issues.

    By the way great site but I couldn't get the Whistle Blowing Techniques page to work?

  5. Hi Friend, Sorry to hear you couldnt get the Whistle blowing techn. page to work. I just tried it and it worked, I will ask some other readers to try to access it as well to double check it, but please try it again.. its a great technique and I would love to have you read it.
    We have written a lot about working with RAD kids, try our Search This Blog tool to read more about building trust with these kids and I hope you can find something useful.
    Good luck!
    John and Diane

  6. Hi again friend, We fixed the problem with the whistle blowing tech. article. Thanks for calling our attention to it!